


Making Amends

by raincheck8



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Enemies to Friends, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, I try to be canon compliant, Other, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, connverse - Freeform, hopefully friendly to all shippers, one-sided Stevinel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:46:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 57,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26096578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raincheck8/pseuds/raincheck8
Summary: Set after the events of I Am My Monster, Steven learns how to cope and move on through an unlikely friendship. Spinel comes to Earth with the hope of giving Steven a proper apology and a hope that they can actually be friends. Steven, exhausted from helping people and cautious of Spinel's history of instability, takes a while to warm up to the idea.
Relationships: Blue Diamond & Spinel & White Diamond & Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe), Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Spinel & Steven Universe, Spinel/Steven Universe
Comments: 91
Kudos: 134





	1. The Gift

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set after I Am My Monster and before Steven leaves on his road trip. Some disclaimers before we start, because apparently shipping fictional cartoon characters is a matter of heated debate in this fandom: Connie is in the picture, and Steven loves her very much and always will. I will disclose I do like Stevinel as a ship and would like to work it into the story if it makes sense and I can do it in a way that is in-character, even if it's just one-sided. Accurate characterization is more important to me than indulging my own fantasies, so if it can't be done then I won't push it. No matter what, this story is primarily about Steven and Spinel's friendship post-show, and them working through their respective emotional baggage.

Making Amends  
  


* * *

Four days had passed since the Incident.

Steven hadn’t once had a moment alone in those four days. Garnet had taken to gatekeeping gems and humans alike who came asking what had happened, why was there a giant pink monster attacking the coast, where it had gone, if Steven knew about it, and of course, if he was okay. Family and Connie were the only people permitted inside the house until the pandemonium settled, but of course Steven couldn’t keep something like turning into a rampaging monster a secret. It was all he could do to sleep to avoid the overwhelming barrage of text messages from friends and pointed worried looks from the gems. The concern was _exhausting._

“Steven.” The boy in question looked up blearily from the darkness of his pillow to see Garnet standing in the doorway. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and glanced on the other side of the room. Connie was still there where she had been before his nap, perched in Steven’s bean bag chair and studiously reading from a textbook. She had been a frequent visitor in the last few days since his meltdown. She had a small duffle bag next to her, mostly filled with books, but also a few change of clothes so that she didn’t have to leave too often. Connie was determined to be here for him, but her presence wasn’t filled with the stifling worry and paranoia of the gems. Connie didn’t ask questions, didn’t push him to talk, didn’t look at him like he was a fragile eggshell she couldn’t step on. She was simply there, and Steven loved her for it.

“You have a visitor.” Garnet paused as she considered Steven’s mussed hair, his vacant expression and dark circles under his eyes. “…But I’ll tell them to come back later,”she offered.

“I don’t want to inconvenience them if they came all the way here…,”Steven said slowly, swinging his legs over the bed, already moving to get up.

“It’s not going to be a productive visit for you. I just needed to see you to confirm it.”

“Garnet, I’m _fine_ ,”Steven tried to assure her, “I just woke up is all.”

“They’ll be back. You need to worry less about others right now, Steven,”she asserted, then looked over at Connie, “…I’ll be back with a board game for Connie’s study break in twenty-two minutes.” Steven sighed and collapsed back on the bed with a resigned sigh.

“She’s right, you know,”Connie chimed in. Steven leaned his head back so that he was looking at his friend upside-down. At this angle, she almost mistook his frown for a smile.

“It’s sweet that people are worried about you and want to check in, but you do have a tendency to put on a face for people, Steven,”Connie stated evenly, “She just doesn’t want you to wear yourself.”

“She could have at least told me who it was so I can apologize later,”Steven grumbled.

“You’d just feel guilty. You know Garnet would have let them in if it was someone you needed right now,”she pointed out, “Come on, let me finish this chapter and then we can take a break together.” Every minute was a break for Steven the last few days, but he wouldn’t complain to Connie – not when she was so obviously going out of her way to be there for him, study schedule or not. Instead he just smiled and nodded, reaching to unplug his phone from its charger to glance at it and then immediately set it back down. 52 unread messages. _Nope._

At first Steven had hated being overly doted on. But he was beginning to understand that it was simply what his friends and family needed. He resisted it at first, but as Connie had pointed out the other day – he spent all his time and energy helping other people to make himself feel useful, he didn’t get to be the only one who gives and gives for some self-assurance that things were okay. “You’re gonna have to sit down and let us love you and deal with it, Steven. We were scared. The gems loving on you might be just what they need to do to feel like everything’s okay again.”

“Everything is okay, though.”

“Convince them.” She thought a moment, then amended her statement. “No. Convince _me_.” That got a frown and a resigned groan from Steven. They both knew what a harder task that would be.

Back downstairs, Garnet closed the front door behind her to face Steven’s visitor. Spinel waited anxiously on the front porch, having abandoned standing and opting to curl her legs over the railing and hang from the beams upside down. She swung herself back upright at the sight of Garnet’s return, her feet kicking off the edge of the railing.

“Hey! What’s the deal-io with good ol’ Steve-o?”

“You can’t see him right now.” Spinel’s feet froze and then sunk to the floor with a comedic thunk. The frown on her face, though, was very real and genuine. Somehow, even after all Spinel had done to him to hurt him, hurt his friends, she still felt the pang of rejection at Garnet’s words. She couldn’t see him…or he didn’t want to see her?

“Wait…what? Did… he say that?”

“No. _I_ did.” Spinel stared at the taller gem, not knowing how to react to such an admittance.

“Walk with me,”Garnet gestured, ushering for Spinel to follow as she walked down the steps, away from the house. Spinel looked forlornly back at the door she had been barred access to, the hurt giving her pause. Her gloved hands balled up into fists of their own accord. She didn’t know whether she wanted to break the door down and demand an explanation from Steven himself, or quietly resign herself to an explanation that she surely wasn’t going to like. Of course Steven didn’t want to see her. Surely Garnet was just going to lay down every reason why he couldn’t tolerate her presence. Still, she found herself springing off the railing anyway, trotting after Garnet in the sand.

They walked for a while in silence, Spinel’s bouncing steps losing their vigor as she prepared herself for all the ways that Steven must hate her.

“You should know,”Garnet began, stopping abruptly and turning to the smaller pink gem, “There’s not a single future where you don’t hurt Steven again in some way.” Spinel stared at the fusion, her eyes wide, struck speechless by such a statement.

“Most of them aren’t on purpose,”Garnet amended, as if reading Spinel’s mind, “But nevertheless, Steven will be hurt by you.”

“Huh? I wouldn’t hurt Steven again,”Spinel said, a pleading tone to the edge of her voice, “’Specially not after all _that_.”

“I know you probably had good intentions in coming. You put him and the earth through a lot, and you may see this as an opportunity to make amends. I do see many futures where you and he are able to be good friends. I’m not opposed to letting him explore those possibilities with you.” Garnet paused.

“But as his family, I can’t let someone I know will cause him pain, even accidentally, near him so soon. He’s very fragile right now, Spinel.”

“Well obviously, that’s the whole point! That’s why I wanted to come cheer him up!”

“He doesn’t need to be cheered up right now. He needs time.” Spinel tilted her head to the side.

“Time for what?”

“Time to figure out how to be okay with himself. Without distractions.” Spinel blanched at the unspoken accusation. For a moment, she was back in the palace, 6,000 years ago, hiding behind Pink’s legs as White Diamond berated Pink for neglecting her diamond duties and wasting time with her little _distraction._ But no, Pink was gone, White loved her dearly, and Spinel had changed…surely she was more than what she was. It was so easy to forget the ever-present self-doubt when she was with the diamonds, but here, standing on the beach that Spinel had nearly destroyed with her mistakes, she felt herself feeling so small and powerless. Was that all Spinel was? A distraction?

“I just wanted to show him I can be a better pal and check up on him…”

“I believe you,”she said, much to Spinel’s surprise, “But if you truly have his well-being in mind, Spinel, I’m going to need you to show me.”

“Show you what?”she asked, her arm looping into the shape of a question mark as her hand came up to scratch her head.

“That your visiting him will do him good. He wasn’t the only one you hurt. You’ll need to earn my trust back, too. Otherwise, I can’t let you in.” Spinel stared hard at the fusion, testing her resolve. For a moment, she considered stretching herself all the way up to Steven’s window, just because she could. She could see Steven if she wanted to. She had beaten this fusion once before – she could do it again.

Except she knew taking what she wanted by force wasn’t going to put herself in anybody’s good graces. She had learned that lesson the hard way. Hanging her head in shame, she remembered how Garnet had been moreover kind to her throughout the whole ordeal she had put them all through, and, just like Steven, had tried to talk her out of her rage. Garnet wanted her to show that she could do Steven some good? Fine. Spinel wanted to know that for herself anyway. Spinel wanted to _be_ good.

So she left, with a promise of a quick return.

It took Spinel a day for an idea to come to mind, and another day to relay every possible pro and con with the diamonds before taking the warp pad uninvited back to Earth. Her presence got her a few pointed stares, but she was able to slip by most of the Little Homeworld residents and make it to Steven’s house discreetly enough, her precious cargo secured inside her gem.

Garnet met her at the door as before, taking her in with a prolonged, characteristically stoic once-over. This time, however, Spinel was prepared. She presented Garnet with the treasure she had brought with a sheepish smile, feeling self-conscious under that emotionless stare. For a moment the only sound between them were the rolling waves of the ocean behind them. Spinel hadn’t an opportunity to open her mouth to explain when Garnet abruptly nodded and stepped aside.

“He’s upstairs. You get ten minutes.” It took a moment for the realization to sink in that Spinel was being granted access after all. Whatever conflicting feelings she had for the fusion aside, Spinel couldn’t help but punch the air in her excitement, springing into the house with a triumphant grin. Garnet just stared at her as she shut the door behind her, then wordlessly pointed to the stairs. Spinel took that as a green light.

“Steeeeeven!”Spinel called from the bottom. Her pigtails flopped as she poked her head up above the landing. He was alone today, reading something spread out on the bed and taking notes. She couldn’t help the happy cartwheel the rest of the way into the room, nor the enthusiastic hug she flew around his shoulders. She was genuinely happy to see him.

“Surprise! Guess who came to say hi?!” The young human couldn’t manage more than a surprised expression, already tense and ready to defend himself against another frontal assault – on his being, or his face. He was stiff against her, gently pushing her away to give himself some room before she decided to do more than just hug him.

“Whoa. Hey…Spinel. What are you doing here…on Earth, and…in my house?” Spinel released him with an oblivious giggle.

“Funny you should ask! I came to check on the ol’ happy meter!”

“…The what?”

“Don’t worry, Steven, I’m a professional!”she saluted, her hand stretching to him so that her hand bent straight and stiffly horizontal. Starting at his feet, she elevated her hand slowly while making intermittent “boop, boop, boop” sounds, as if Steven’s body was a thermometer that only her pointed hand could read.

“Uh-oh, looking pretty low, there, mister!”she said when her hand stopped just at his knees, “The doctor’s orders are in! You know what you need?”

“Spinel, I really don’t think”-

“Some vitamin D! Come on, Steven, you been getting enough of that Earth sun? Natural light is supposed to be really healthy for you organics, you know.”

“I don’t have the energy for this right now, Spinel, just tell me why you’re here.” The smile on Spinel’s face dropped immediately, and her pigtails sagged. His choice of words hurt more than anything, and Spinel found herself fighting back hard a familiar wave of panic.

“Ouch, straight to the heart,”she teased sarcastically, a smile still plastered on her face despite the real hurt behind it. “I didn’t actually come to get you out of the house, anyway. Your gem friends probably wouldn’t let me anyway. I just…came to check in and give you something.” Steven’s expression softened, thoroughly chastised for snapping at her now.

“You didn’t have to check on me, I already got my sandal back.”

“Not that,”Spinel said anxiously, shuffling her feet to distract herself from the sudden nerves. “Um…I wanted to apologize.” This did surprise Steven. Slowly he sat down at the edge of the bed.

“You already apologized, after the explosion.”

“Well yeah, but…I don’t think I really told you how I meant it. Or I did, when you were…yeah. But I don’t think it really counted if you didn’t hear it,”she explained, nervously scratching her cheek, “Um. I’m sorry if I was part of the reason for…all that. I know I really, really messed up and hurt you and your friends a lot. I was a real wreck then, and I shouldn’t have taken out my anger on you. You earned your happily ever after, and I know that now, seeing how different everything is for myself. I’m sorry I tried to ruin that for you…” Spinel paused, her cheeks flushing as she barreled on before she had time to overthink things.

“The diamonds are sorry, too. They really, really want you to know that. I don’t think you heard back there, but White…White knows she didn’t make things easy for anyone, least of all you. They’re sorry, too, for putting you through more than you deserved. I know you don’t like them, so I…thought I’d pass along the message.” Steven stared at her, not quite knowing what to say to all this.

“It’s…not that I don’t like them…”

“They’re not stupid. Why else would it have taken so long for you to ask for their help, much less visit?”

“It’s not…it’s complicated, Spinel. It goes back a long time. Their actions had effects on not just me, but a lot of people I care about.”  
  
“Mine did, too, though… So if you don’t want anything to do with them, I’m guessing you don’t want anything to do with me now, then, either.”

“What? No, Spinel, we’re fine. Thank you for the apology - really - but I forgave you ages ago.” Spinel looked away, unconvinced.

“Sorry, I’m not good at this serious talk stuff. I just…I get kinda defensive of them, y’know? The diamonds are my family now. And they’ve worked so hard to fix their mistakes. I’m so proud of them, and I wanna show off all their hard work off. You told me I could change, but they’re the ones that really made it sink in.” Steven allowed a small smile to reach his face.

“You really love them, huh?”

“I really, _really_ do,”Spinel said with a small smile, looking up, “Thanks for re-introducing me to them, Steven. And for…everything else before that.”

“Of course. Is that all you came to tell me?”

“Well, yeah. And Garnet said I had to prove I’m not gonna try and kill you again if I wanted to get all serious, so I brought this. I didn’t really get to explain, but she said it was enough. She’s kind of cryptic, that one.”

“What is it?”Steven asked, his curiosity piqued now. Spinel touched her gem, pulling out what appeared to be a container of some unknown chrome-like gem material. She held it in her hands for a moment, considering its contents before raising her eyes to Steven’s with a knowing smile and folding her legs like a pretzel on the floor.

“It’s a secret. Between friends. Got it?”she said with a wink. Steven slowly climbed down from the bed to sit with Spinel at her level on the floor.

“Got it,”Steven agreed, waiting eagerly for the reveal. Spinel hesitated, looking into the container one last time before abruptly turning it toward Steven to see inside.

“It looks like…a plant sapling,”Steven said, glancing up for confirmation. Spinel beamed.

“It’s not just a sapling, silly! It’s a metaphor!” Steven couldn’t help but chuckle, leaning back with Spinel’s precious pot in hand, waiting for an elaboration.

“See, I got to thinking, after everything that happened…Everyone, even the diamonds, they all got lots of opportunities to grow and change and live their lives, except for me. I…was kind of scared, honestly, when I first moved in with the diamonds, that I’d be able to change at all. I figured…I might just be the toy that got outgrown for these diamonds, too.” She paused to nervously twiddle her fingers.

“It’s kinda embarrassing to admit, but…I didn’t do too well when I first got there. The diamonds were super nice and supportive, though, and I started to feel a little better about myself over time. I needed something to feel like I was making any kind of progress, though. So I went back to the garden…”

“Spinel…,”Steven said worriedly, looking concerned now.

“I asked Blue to go with me. Her clouds helped a lot. I don’t think I could have gone back without her,”she explained quickly, “There were these flowers there. They were always there, just in the left corner of my vision. Pink and I planted them together a looooong time ago. They have these deep roots that keep stretching down if they can’t get the nutrients they need at the top. They’ll just keep burrowing and burrowing, so they never die. They were the only flowers that survived. Even after 6,000 years, they kept burrowing, finding nutrients to sustain them, fighting to keep going on. I kind of wanted to be like that, y’know? They’re not the prettiest to look at, but I thought, if I can grow something from that place – the place I was stuck in for so long – then there’s no reason why I can’t grow in my new home, too.”

“Wow…so you replanted those flowers.”

“Bingo! I’ve got a few more pots back at home, but I have a good feeling about that one. Maybe it needs some of Earth’s natural light to help it along, but it’s strong….You can keep this one…if you want. If you really think I can change, I know you and this flower can, too.” Spinel could feel Steven staring at her, and she shifted uncomfortably, self-conscious that she had said the wrong thing.

“Thank you, Spinel. This is really special, and it means a lot. I’m going to take really good care of it.” Spinel smiled, her relief melting any tension in her expression.

“Don’t forget to take care of yourself, silly!”she chided, stretching her arm across to him to gently boop him on the nose. This earned her a weak smile for her benefit.

“Heh…yeah. Guess I’m still working on that.”

“Hey, me too,”she answered with a thumbs up. For a moment they just stared at each other, the distance between them still palpable but maybe – and Spinel hoped she wasn’t imagining it – a little lighter. She wanted to believe that the soft smile on his face when he looked down at the plant meant that the gesture wasn’t lost on him. 

“Time’s up.” Spinel nearly jumped out of her gem at the sound of a voice behind them. She spun around to see Garnet, stoic as ever, staring at her from the landing.

“A-ah, right. Coming.”

“She gave you a time limit?”Steven asked, raising an eyebrow. Spinel smiled sheepishly.

“Yeah, you try and kill someone _one_ time and I guess that makes them untrustworthy or somethin’. Weird, right?” Steven chuckled, standing and bringing Spinel’s pot to his bedside table.

“Eh, plenty of gems have tried to kill me. I think she’s just being extra paranoid right now, all things considered,”he replied with a shrug.

“Heh, she sounds like Yellow. Oh well. She said I needed to leave after I gave you my present anyway. Something about ‘not risking making anything worse,’”she said, using her hands as air quotes.

“The gems have been pretty protective of me lately,”Steven half-laughed, “I can…ask her to lay off for a bit, if you want. I know I kind of blew you off last time we saw each other when you were just trying to help. And you came all this way.”

“Really?”she asked a little too excitedly. She wanted to stay. Stars, she wanted to stay. He stood there with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, literally asking for her company when she had an opportunity to try to put a real smile on his face – asking her to fulfil a long-ingrained purpose to cheer up a friend. But she forced down her selfishness with every ounce of self-control and offered a forced smile instead.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but. Garnet said I was gonna hurt you more if I wasn’t careful. I don’t wanna make things worse, especially not if you’re still not feelin up to snuff. So I’m gonna take a raincheck today,”Spinel explained, looking embarrassedly at the floor as she considered saying something. Finally deciding, she blurted out, “Look, I know you just wanted my injector off, and maybe you didn’t really care, but…you were the first person to be nice to me in 6,000 years. You introduced me to my new family, and I have a real home now because of that. Weird baggage aside…you kind of mean a lot to me, Universe. I wanna be careful with you from now on. Even if I really really _really_ do wanna stay.” Steven’s expression softened.

“That’s nice of you to say, Spinel. I don’t know what Garnet saw, but whatever it is, you don’t need to worry about offending me. I’m good at working things out, after all.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course.” Spinel beamed, her shoulders relaxing, having not realized she was so tense to start. That’s right, she had to remind herself. Even if she messed up, Steven never gave up on anyone. She just had to believe she wasn’t an exception.

“Even so, I know what it’s like after a meltdown, hehe,”she said, nervously scratching her cheek, “Definitely needed some time to adjust and cool off from that one. I’ll take a hug before I leave, though!” 

She didn’t wait for his consent before she roped herself into his space in one go, her arms wrapped twice around his torso. He tentatively hugged her back this time, a little more prepared now for her spontaneous closeness. Spinel hadn’t been hugged by someone her own size in a long time, and the warmth emanating from his human body felt so nice and comforting, like being encased in a blanket. He smelled good, too, like dirt and sea salt - earth and sky and ocean all mixed together.

“Wowie, you give really good hugs,”Spinel commented with a contented smile against his shoulder. Steven was beginning to relax, realizing she wasn’t going to shake him, or trap him, or assault his face this time.

“I was just about to say the same thing,”he answered back. Spinel unwound her arms to lean back with a grin.

“Well, they’re free when you want one. Just give me a call. You know where I live.”

“Thanks, Spinel. For coming over and…everything else. Sorry we got off on the wrong foot. I didn’t know you cared that much.”

“Well quit feeling sorry – you don’t have to fix everything. I’m the one who came over to say sorry, anyway.”

“Heh, I guess it’s a habit.” She stuck her tongue out at him, playfully flicking him on the nose.

“Hope you _change_ out of that one!” Steven deadpanned.

“Ha ha…” Spinel giggled.

“See you on the flip-side, Universe!” Spinel waved and left before she could have second thoughts. She was halfway down the stairs when Steven’s voice stopped her.

“…Spinel, wait.” She paused at the landing, glancing back, unable to help her figurative heart leap a little.

“…The next wave of Little Homeworld students are graduating next month, and we were going to throw them a celebration party on the beach. I don’t know if you know any of the graduating gems or not, but you’re welcome there, if you’d like to come.” Spinel blinked, uncomprehending. Steven invited her somewhere…? Her face broke into a huge grin.

“I’ll be there!”she exclaimed happily.


	2. Quiet Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Spinel in this chapter, just some Connverse fluff

Chapter 2

* * *

Connie had decided to pack up her study materials and move them to Steven’s room this afternoon. By noon Connie had set up a cozy work station situated in Steven’s bean bag chair with Steven catching up on miscellaneous projects on the floor next to her.

“You look hard at work,”Connie commented from her book.

“I’m just making invites to the grad party. It’s a big group this time – a lot of the original Crystal Gems are graduating, so Bismuth is pulling out all the stops and asked if I could help spread the word.”

“Do you need any help?” Steven paused. When the gems asked him the same question lately, it was laced with a tinge of fear and paranoia. But when he glanced over at Connie, she wasn’t even looking at him, still absorbed in her textbook. She wasn’t asking because she was worried, walking on eggshells like his family often did – she was genuinely just asking to be nice.

“Nah, Bismuth told me that gems on Homeworld would typically get party invites by hologram, so their standards for cards would be pretty low. I do wish I knew more Gemtech, though.” For a moment he waited for Connie to push, to insist that he needed to be coddled and babied – to leave the work for someone else for fear of “overstressing him.”

“Can’t help you with that one,”she laughed instead, “I’ve been thinking of asking Pearl to teach me, though.” Steven held back a sigh of relief.

“Why don’t you? You’ve basically mastered sword training. Pearl’s running out of things to teach you.”

“I was planning on it, once I’ve taken my last entrance exam. And then I can help you write more very professional hand-made construction paper invites.”

“Hey, I’m using cardstock.”

“Oh, how fancy. I didn’t realize this was a black-tie event.”

“Makes you want to reconsider coming, doesn’t it?”

“It sure does. I’ll just have to tell Hale University to reschedule my interview for the day after.”

“Well, then here you go, m’lady,”Steven said, handing Connie a rectangle of paper with a handwritten note on it. It was one of his throw-aways, with graduation misspelled and then crossed out when Steven realized his mistake. Connie stuck it in between the pages of her book as a bookmark with a chuckle.

“I do really wish I could go.”

“Me too, but you’ve got tests to conquer and worlds to save, right? And Hale was one of your top choices. You should go in well-rested and prepared.”

“I know, I know.” For a while the only sound between was the scratching of Steven’s pen and shuffling paper. Connie felt comfortable in the silence, content to just be with him while they both worked on their own things.

“Hmm…I guess I don’t really need to make one for Spinel since I just told her she could come.” Steven said after a few minutes of working. Connie looked up from her book.

“Wait, Spinel? Like ‘Spinel’ Spinel?”

“Yeah, didn’t I tell you? She came over the other day to apologize for everything. She gave me one of the flowers that grew in the garden she was stuck in. Garnet kicked her out really soon after, though, so I invited her to the graduation party so she didn’t think I was just blowing her off.” Connie frowned.

“Wait…you invited her to the party just because Garnet didn’t let her stay?” Steven heard the concern in Connie’s voice and turned to look at her.

“Well, she seems like she’s doing a lot better now after nearly a year with the Diamonds. She’s still a lot, but she did come all the way to apologize. It was nice of her – I figured I owed her a chance.” Connie had his full attention now, slowly closing her book and setting it in her lap.

“Do you actually want her there?” Steven paused, unsure where this was going.

“I don’t know? She’s not exactly first choice for easy company, but it was really nice of her to come over and apologize, and the plant was really a sweet gesture. She’s really trying. I thought I’d throw her a bone.”

“Steven, you’re justifying being uncomfortable with a genuine threat because she gave you a _flower_. She injected poison into the entire planet and poofed your family. You were reconstructing for months afterward! You don’t _owe_ her anything. An apology is the _least_ she could have given you after all this time.”

“I’m not holding it against her any more. If I held a grudge against every gem who has tried to kill me, I wouldn’t be where I am today.” Connie’s expression softened.

“And I love you for that. You’re forgiving to a fault, and you never give up on people’s ability to change. But Steven…” Connie leaned across the bean bag to inch closer to her friend. “You don’t _owe_ people who hurt you your time and energy. You’re allowed to set boundaries with who you help.”

“You’re talking to the guy who literally helped the entire universe. Are boundaries really a thing in space?” Connie frowned at his deflection.

“Of course they are,”she said seriously. “Steven, I just worry for you. Spinel needs a lot more help than Bismuth, Lapis, or Peridot did, and I know you well enough to know you’re the type who will help someone even when they’re not able or willing to be helped, just because you feel sorry for them. From what you’ve told me about her…I just worry that she’s going to milk that kindness of yours and still be just as unstable.”

“I mean, I’m hearing what you’re saying, but you haven’t seen Spinel since the incident. She’s really, genuinely happy living on Homeworld with the Diamonds. She really is doing a lot better. I know she needs help – she’s always going to need help. But I know my own limits better now and I think I can at least trust Spinel to show me hers. She needs some friends right now, and if she can handle her own, I’m happy to point her in the right direction.”

“You know she’s only looking in your direction.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”Steven laughed, perhaps too uneasily.

“I’m just saying, from what you were telling me, she seems to get pretty strongly attached. I hope you 'throwing her a bone' doesn’t mean you’re never going to be left alone again.” Steven just laughed.

“I’m already never left alone,”he half-joked with a roll of his eyes in the stair’s direction, “Plus, I can handle her. She’s harmless now.”

“Maybe to Earth. I’ve got to watch out if I don’t want her to steal you completely away from me.”

“Are you perhaps jealous?”

“Of Spinel? No.” Connie’s gaze shifted, a faint flush staining her cheeks.

“…But I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be upset if you got snatched up by someone else before we give us a chance.” Steven blinked, surprised at the direction this conversation had taken them.

“Yeah?”he asked, his voice hopeful.

“Yeah,”she answered, finally shyly looking away.

“I don’t think you have to worry too much about that. I kind of already have my heart set on someone else.” Flirting. Steven was flirting. His cheeks flushed with the novelty of it, his stomach tying into knots as he trained his expression to remain composed. The pause that followed felt weighted down by steel discomfort, the newness of this strange dynamic a violating thorn in their comfortable friendship.

“I mean, I figured. You did already propose,”Connie commented with a chuckle, trying to regain some of their light-heartedness they were more accustomed to.

“Nooooo don’t mention that embarrassing thing,”he pleaded, hiding his face in his hands. Connie had to laugh. Silence fell between them, the implication of Steven’s confession hanging between them. Before she had time to think too hard about it, Connie reached for Steven’s hand next to her, drawing his gaze up to hers.

“Hey…I’ve still got to study for entrance exams next month, but once things calm down…I don’t know. I’d at least have a little more time to spend with you. We could actually go to the next graduation together.”

“You know I’m glad you’re following your dreams and applying for all the schools you want to go to. I can wait however long you need. But when you do finish your applications…maybe I can celebrate by taking you out on a real date?”

“’Maybe _you_ can celebrate?’”Connie laughed, “I thought I was the one celebrating the end of applications.”

“I know. But I did miss you a lot while you were studying. I want to commemorate my patience.” Connie laughed.

“In that case, I think I should be the one to take _you_ out on a date,”Connie teased. They both laughed, comfortable and familiar. Her expression softened. “…I missed you, too, you know. I feel…kind of partially responsible for not being there more for you the past few months as is. If you felt like you had someone to talk to earlier, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so bad…” Steven shifted closer to Connie’s seat, his hand instinctually squeezing hers. 

“We’ve been through this, Connie,”he gently reminded her.

“I know. I just…take my best friend responsibilities very seriously, you know.”

“I know.”

“And I’m not even here all the time when you need me…,”she continued.

“You’re here when you can be, and that’s what matters. I’ve got to learn how to pick up my own pieces, too, you know.”

“But are you going to be okay? With the party, and Spinel, and the gems hovering over you? What if you start swelling up and have to go to the hospital again? I need to be there to protect you.” It was the first time since the incident that Steven could hear the edge of panic in her voice, the tell-tale fear and paranoia he heard every day in the gem’s voices. She was scared, too, she was just better at hiding it. Steven absently rubbed soothing circles against the back of Connie’s hand as he thought of what to say to chase away her fears.

“…I guess I’m going to be extra mindful of my limits to make sure I’m okay then, so you can study and finish your applications without worrying about me,”he finally said, gently raising her hand to his lips to kiss her knuckles. Connie flushed at the gesture, new and unexpected.

“Just be careful for me, Steven,”Connie pleaded, “Especially with a big personality like Spinel.”

“I can take care of myself,”he gently reminded her.

“I know,”Connie answered, leaning in to gently press a kiss against Steven’s cheek. The blush that followed was worth the nervous fluttering in her stomach. 


	3. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel goes to a party with Steven and is not okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got longer than I intended it to, but there's just so much I want to lay down to build up later. With some exceptions, I'm going to try to keep each chapter focused on one specific character and their POV, this chapter focusing on Spinel's. If I gave equal attention to what both Steven and Spinel are thinking, the word count would just double, and this chapter is already as long as I want to go. Steven and Spinel are in very different places mentally right now in their lives so we'll take them one at a time. 
> 
> Also, my hand slipped and I made a Wreck-it Ralph reference. Oops.

Chapter 3: The Party

A small chunk of Homeworld was already buzzing about the graduation, whispering rumors that some of the graduates would be returning to Homeworld after finishing ‘Pink Diamond’s little Earth school.’ The attention it was getting was beginning to make Spinel nervous.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go after all,”Spinel was saying to the diamonds.

“You must, Spinel! Steven invited you personally,”Blue Diamond insisted.

“He probably won’t even have time to say hi to me if it’s gonna be a big crowd. I’d just be in his way.”

“Starlight, you would dazzle the event. Surely, you must go,”White said.

“…I’m scared,”she admitted truthfully, only because she knew White would see it anyway.

“You must be brave, Spinel,”Yellow gently reminded her, “Remember you can always come home if you need to, but we know you can do it.”

“I don’t even know any of the other gems going! What if I mess up and Steven hates me? I’ll be back at square one with him…”she said, her fingers tangling in her hair as she looked helplessly up at the three diamonds.

“How could anyone hate this sweet face?”White cooed, “You know instinctually how to put a smile on other’s faces, dear one. Remember, you are a friend.”

“I’m a friend…,”Spinel echoed, nodding to herself.

“And you’re adorable,”Blue added.

“I’m ADORABLE!”

“And everyone loves an adorable friend!”Yellow summarized.

“Yeah! You guys are right! I’ve got this!”Spinel exclaimed, invigorated, “Thanks for the pep talk, guys! I’m gonna go now! Love you, bye!” She turned around as she waved goodbye, beaming to see her family smiling and waving back. Blue Diamond blew a heart-shaped cloud after her, catching Spinel in the back on her way out that made her insides tingle with a familiar warmth and lightness. Invigorated, Spinel made for the warp pad. She could do this.

She could do this.

She most definitely could not do this.

The effects of Blue’s clouds dispersed with the sudden rush of dread that flooded her as she stepped off the warp pad. The beach was packed, beings of all shapes and sizes intermingled. Gems she didn’t know mingled freely with humans she knew even less, yet they all seemed to know each other. She tried to keep her smile on, say hello gems she vaguely recognized from Homeworld, but quickly felt left out of conversations and was soon forgotten when they found more engaging company.

After a minute or so of walking aimlessly around, secretly hoping for a glimpse of curly black hair, Spinel was starting to realize she seemed to be the only gem here who didn’t already know somebody. Helpless, she wandered the crowd, feeling smaller with every step as gem after gem ignored her as if she wasn’t there. Or worse - if an Earth gem did recognize her – panicked and quickly moved away. She clenched and unclenched her hands a few times, trying to distract herself from the growing panic welling in her chest. She was fine. She wasn’t alone. Why wasn’t that enough?

Except she felt alone. Alone and scared and completely out of her element. Surrounded by dozens of faces who all may as well be as distant and inaccessible as the warp pad she had stared at for 6,000 years. Unwanted, forgettable, as if her standing there didn’t matter to anyone. The crowd felt as if it was pressing in on her, claustrophobic, even in the cool night air. With the raucous music blaring from the stage, the relentless chatter from all directions, everything felt unbearably loud and overwhelming.

She was on the beach before she realized it, her breathing hard and ragged, trying her best to fight off a panic attack she had been so sure she had seen the last of after a few months with the Diamonds. The quiet, rhythmic roll of waves were a more soothing soundtrack than the one playing at the party, and Spinel found the festivities fading into the background with every gasping breath. She crouched down low, wrapping her arms twice around her knees for comfort, and tried her best to calm down.

“Spinel?” She hadn’t realized how long she had been sitting there. Or the tears hanging in her eyes as she stared forlornly up at Homeworld’s galaxy, wishing it was somehow closer. She jumped in surprise, turning to see no other than the boy she had been looking so hard for, staring at her with concern.

“Steven! You’re here!”she exclaimed, jumping to her feet and closing the distance between them with a single stretch of her arms. Her relief was so great, she didn’t notice him flinch away at her sudden proximity.

“Y-yeah. Everything okay?” He gently pushed her off of him, and Spinel quickly masked any distress with a stretched smile.

“S-sure am! I was looking all over for you. You sure are good at hide and seek.”

“Must have missed each other. I was looking for you, too.”

“Ha… Just…needed some air. ANYWAY. Some party, huh? You, uh, having fun?”she asked too loudly. Steven frowned at her deflection.

“Yeah, are you?”

“Me? Y-yeah, of course. I’m happy to be anywhere you invite me to be.”

“You sure? How come you’re out here, then?” He tilted his head to the side, his hands casually in his pockets. She pressed her lips together, but one look at those patient, compassionate eyes and the floodgates broke.

“I’m trying really hard, okay? I know it doesn’t look it, because I’m on the beach by myself and not at your party. I said I was going to try and I wanna try but now I messed up avoiding the party you invited me to and”-

-“Spinel, whoa, slow down. It’s okay,”Steven reassured her, “Really, it’s okay.” Spinel glanced unsurely at him, tears glistening in the moonlight.

“I’m sorry. I freaked out. I promise I’m doing better. It’s just…kind of a lot. Is that okay? Please say it’s okay. I swear I’m okay. Maybe not right this second, but I will be okay! Are _we okay_?!” Steven answered with a nervous laugh.

“Hey, it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize. Just breathe,”he assured her, modeling a deep breath, waiting until she copied him and the tension in her shoulders visibly relaxed. “I didn’t realize a big party like this might still be too much for you, but it makes sense. It was only less than a year ago that you were on your own for so long. This much noise and activity must be a lot after all that quiet.”

“Y-yeah…Yellow says I have to be brave, though. I’m a mess, but I’ll tolerate whatever you want me to,” Steven frowned.

“I don’t want you to have to tolerate something that makes you uncomfortable. I invited you because I thought you’d have fun and get to make new friends. But if you’re not wanting to be here, don’t push yourself.”

“…You invited me to hang out… with other gems?”she asked slowly.

“Well…yeah. That’s the whole point of parties, is to meet people.”

“It is?”she asked, her brow drawn low, “I don’t think that’s what Pink’s parties were for.”

“Maybe not,”he agreed with a knowing smile, “But if you don’t like that, parties can be for hanging out with people you already know, too.” Spinel’s expression relaxed.

“Like just us two?”she asked, perhaps too eagerly.

“Well I’m kind of helping Bismuth to host, so I can’t stay here the _whole_ time,”he said with an apologetic smile, “But if you can’t stay, we can take another raincheck and hang out another time. No pressure.” It was strange, the intensity of the panic that welled within her at the thought of Steven leaving her to go hang out with other gems for the rest of the evening. In mere seconds, her entire demeanor shifted, and she was all forced laughs and wide smiles.

“Whaaaa? No, psh, I’m _fine_! Better than fine! Just needed a breather is all! Your old pal Spinel is totally and _completely_ ready to party!” Could he hear the uneasiness in her voice? The hint of hysteria laced in between her pleas for his attention? She stood and pulled him up with her, linking her arm in his without asking. She was fine, they were fine, everything was fine. Luckily for her, Steven was buying it.

“Okay, only if you’re sure, though. We’ll take it slow. Let me formally introduce you to the other Crystal Gems, at least,”he said. Spinel didn’t like the idea of meeting Steven’s friends as much as she liked the idea of spending time just them. But she swallowed her reservations and nodded.

“If you get overwhelmed, you can take deep breaths and concentrate on the waves instead, just like you were doing. And if you want to leave, just squeeze my hand and I’ll walk you back to the warp.” Spinel nodded, experimenting with a deep breath to calm herself. She didn’t want to let Steven down. He was too kind, too good to her. She couldn’t mess up with this friend.

Spinel put on a plastic smile for all the gems Steven introduced her to and forced out as many bad jokes as she could muster. She felt her gem ache with a foreign, unnamable feeling when Steven introduced her to Peridot, Bismuth, and Lapis, as “my friends who also tried to kill me at some point.” She couldn’t help the sense of unease that came over her as she watched their easy banter, the effortless smile and laughter they got out of him even as they joked about crimes that really weren’t _that_ much worse than Spinel’s. His smile for them was real, though, not like the wary, forced smile he offered her sometimes when he caught her staring at him too long. She wondered if these gems were just easier to forgive than she was.

She did her best to act like she was having a good time. She flashed a practiced smile and a thumbs up for Steven whenever he turned around to check on her. A friend. She was a good friend. Good friends don’t stress their friend’s out with their complete inability to function. The effort took so much energy, Spinel was utterly drained when the party finally started to clear out. She was shaking as Steven wished one of his remaining human friends goodbye, awkwardly standing to the side as she stared wantingly at his hand. But she didn’t take it.

“Want me to walk you home?” She didn’t realize he had asked the question until he had to repeat it a second time, now looking concerned as he took in the strain in her expression.

“Spinel? Are you okay? You’ve been pretty quiet the last hour or so.” She nodded silently, knowing if she spoke he would hear the tension in her voice, pulled vocal chords like strings on a guitar, ready to break. Instead she allowed herself to silently slip her trembling hand into his, finally giving in to what she had wanted since she got here.

“You’re shaking…Spinel, seriously, are you okay?”

“Y-yeah. That was just…a lot!”she laughed nervously. Steven frowned at the shakiness of her voice, the wildness in her eyes. “A lot of people…who all know what I did, and probably don’t want anything to do with me, even though they…act so nice….probably just because you’re with me. Haha…ha…I mean, why would they be friendly otherwise? Why is… _anyone_ friendly to me? They could just be pretending for all I know. I’m not…I’m not…”-

-“Spinel, stop. Let’s get you home. It’s okay – you’re okay.”

“H-ha, well obviously. Look at me, your new best friend, j-just like the g-good old days,” she half-laughed, but the sound was hollow and empty, giving way to the tears surfaced behind it. She swallowed them with a sniff, quickly hiding her face in her pigtails.

“Spinel…”

“Quit looking at me all sad like that. I know how stupid I look. I don’t need your pity, Universe. Just give me a second, that’s all,”she snapped, holding her arms to brace her hands against the trembling. She whirled around to look at him with panicked, pleading eyes.

“No wait no no no, I messed up, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m sorry I’m sorry.” Steven stared, not knowing what to make of her rapid mood swings. From feeble and scared, to angry and snappy, to overly compliant and apologetic – she was as unstable as the day they met, if not slightly less hostile. He sighed.

“Come on, let’s get you back to the diamonds. This was a bad idea.”

“I-it wasn’t, really!”

“Why are you trying to pretend you’re not overwhelmed? It’s okay, really. Nobody’s blaming you if you don’t know how to interact with other people that well yet, least of all me. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

“But…you’d invite me to something like this again, right?”

“I mean, if it’s going to overload you and make you upset, no? I wouldn’t intentionally set you off like that.” Spinel didn’t like the way the insinuation hung in the air. Her hand slipped out of his, her eyes narrowing.

“…Wait. What do you mean, _set me off_? What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” She didn’t mean for her voice to rise, or the for the anger in her tone to carry into something more threatening. Steven’s hands came up in a defensive gesture, and Spinel didn’t miss it. For a moment, they just stared at each other, caught red-handed in a familiar dynamic - Steven, trying to help, doing whatever he could to defend himself against her, and Spinel, unsettled and overly sensitive. She looked away, ashamed.

“F- Forget it. I’ll just…walk myself back. Thanks for the invite, Steven. And for…everything else,” she sighed defeatedly. She started to walk away.

“Spinel, wait,”he called out for a second time, “Come on, don't leave upset. Let's go for a drive, I'll take you to Little Homeworld’s warp instead.”

“I’ll just wait,”she sighed, not turning to look at him, “I’m good at that.”

“My car’s right here,”he urged, pressing something in his hand to make the strangest ship Spinel had ever seen flash lights a few meters away from them. “We can talk on the way.”

In the end, Spinel ended up with her legs curled up to her chest in the front seat, her arms wound tightly around herself as Steven started the engine and pulled out of the beach parking lot. For a long time the space between them was silent, except for the soft music playing from the car’s speakers. Spinel could barely hear it, all her energy spent on fighting back tears. She felt like a failure. Why’d she have to snap at him when he was nothing but nice to her? She really was hopeless…

Spinel sat silently in Steven’s car, pressing her shoes together to create a soft, rubbery squeak. She didn’t realize they had arrived until he had stopped the car.

“I’ll just wait by the pad,”she mumbled, her words muffled in her knees. Steven pulled the keys out of the ignition.

“You’re not going home?” Not when tears stained her cheeks and she was so visibly upset, unable to hide the hurt on her face any more than she would be able to hide the misdirection of her gem.

“They were so excited for me to go. I can’t go back looking like this.” Steven looked over at her, the moonlight reflecting her lingering tears. They were both quiet for a long time.

“…I’m not good at this, huh? This whole friendship thing, I mean.” She waited for Steven to disagree.

“You’re doing it with the diamonds,”he finally said.

“But not with people I really want to be friends with.” Steven frowned.

“I know you said I’m important because I was the first person to be nice to you in such a long time, but that could have been anyone, Spinel. You don’t have to try so hard once you realize most people generally have good intentions for you – not just me or the diamonds. Most people are good and decent if you get to know them.” Spinel frowned, shifting uneasily and pointedly avoid Steven's stare. 

“Even if that's true, that doesn't mean I am,”she countered quietly into her knees, “I hurt you bad, plus your planet and your friends. You gave me a chance, and then I hurt you _again_. Maybe I deserved what I got, if that's what I'm capable of doing to nice people like you. Maybe I'm not capable of being a friend at all, if I can't even meet new people without getting overwhelmed. If anyone's not friend-material, it's me.”

“Nothing you did will ever justify what happened to you. It just takes practice, is all. And you've got all the time in the world now to keep practicing,”he said softly, "Just because you got hurt in the past doesn't mean you can't be a friend now."

“Yeah, but… what if it does mean I can't be a friend? What if I was just made broken? I really, genuinely thought I was doing a good job making Pink happy. But obviously I don’t know a thing about how to make my friends happy,”she said, her body physically drooping.

“That’s not what friendship is, Spinel. It’s not your job to make me or Pink happy. That’s our job.”

“Then what’s my job supposed to be?”

“You don’t have to have a job. You can just be there for your friends when they need you, and you can focus on being happy the rest of the time for yourself, too.” Spinel considered that for a moment.

“…That's it? That's all I have to do? So I just need to be there for you, and then we’ll be better friends? Is that just for you or is that for everybody? What do I gotta do for that?”she concluded, looking intently at him. Steven quickly shook his head, laughing uneasily.

“I know you mean well, Spinel, and I appreciate you wanting to help and be better, but don’t fall into the same people-pleasing trap that I did. You’re more than what you can give to other people,”he said, “I’ve got to learn how to be happy on my own, too. So do you.” Spinel frowned, contemplating this.

“Hmm. Well I’m probably not going to learn how to be happy at a party,”she said matter-of-factly.

“That’s fair. I’ve started to wonder if I’m ever going to learn how to be happy in Beach City.” It was a thought that Steven had never once said out loud to another person, but that had crossed his mind on more than one occasion. Realizing what he had just admitted, he glanced anxiously over at the pink gem, as if looking for some confirmation that the statement was as insane as it had sounded in his head. But Spinel looked completely unperturbed, and Steven felt himself tentatively relax.

“…This is hard,”she concluded softly, drawing her knees tighter to her chest, “…How do you be happy on your own?”

“No idea. Still figuring that out myself.” Spinel laid her head on the tops of her knees, her eyes fixed on the dash in front of her. Finally she shifted, turning her head to look at him.

“…I want you to know I really, really haven’t freaked out like that that in a long time,”she said, glancing nervously at him, “I really _am_ doing better. Tonight was just extra hard.”

“I know. I believe you.” Spinel looked back at her knees, unconvinced.

“But still… I probably haven’t changed much at all to you, have I? Getting all worked up over nothing, needing you to talk me down from another dumb meltdown, asking you for all the answers when I’ve ruined everything already…I’ve still got a lot of work to do, huh? And I was so excited to finally get to spend more than a few minutes with you,” she explained with a defeated sigh, “Y’know, I’ve wanted to apologize _months_ before this, but the Diamonds said I needed to give you your space, so I did. I didn’t even figure we were on speaking terms until you came back to Homeworld to ask for their help. That’s why I was so excited when you invited me. I really really _really_ wanted to make things right and show you how much I’ve changed. What a joke…”

“I wouldn’t have invited you if I didn’t think you hadn’t changed, Spinel,”he answered simply.

“…You mean it?”she finally asked after a beat of silence, “You’re not just saying that?”

“Of course I mean it,”he assured her, “And you didn’t ruin everything. To be honest, you were actually a big help tonight, all things considered. This party was the first time I’ve been out around gem and human friends since the whole Incident. Having you there gave me an excuse to talk about something other than what happened.” Spinel beamed, perking up a little in her seat at the idea of being helpful to Steven.

“Well whad’ya know, happy to be of service, then!”she said with a captain’s salute and a wide smile. Steven chuckled.

“What’s so funny? I got something on my face?”

“Kind of. I just realized this is the first time I’ve seen you smile all night.” Spinel’s cheeks puffed out with air.

“No way! I don’t like what you’re implying, Universe. Me, a sourpuss? I’m the epitome of smiles,”she teased, playfully nudging him in the ribs with a stretched elbow. Steven swatted her arm away with a grin.

“Besides, you've got home field advantage,”she challenged, “Come visit again and I’ll show you how Homeworld likes to party.”

“I’ll…think about it,”Steven replied evasively, glancing away. Spinel’s smile dropped half an inch at his lack-luster response. Silence hung between them again, less heavy than before but nonetheless uncomfortable. Spinel didn’t know what to say to fill it. She thought joking around would make things better. Joking around always made things better. So why did he look so sad all of a sudden?...

“…Did I say something wrong?”she finally asked.

“No. I was just…thinking.”

“Bout what?”

“Us, joking around like we just were. About everything I’m dealing with…and about how I think you and I met at the wrong time,”he explained, his eyes fixed on the steering wheel ahead.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I think we could have been really, really good friends two or three years ago.” Spinel’s brow lifted in surprise. She had not been expecting that.

"...Huh?"

“…But that’s mostly because I was a lot more insecure back then. I would have bent over backwards to get you back on your feet. That’s just what I did back then. I guess that’s what I’m still doing with other people, to a lesser extent.” Spinel didn’t know where this was going, but she listened silently. He had listened to her all night – she owed him that much.

“I think it would have killed me, though, to find out what my mom did to you then, when so much of my identity was still wrapped up in her. I don’t think I would have been able to handle knowing she hurt someone I cared about so directly. It would have been harder for me to empathize with her cause if you and I had been friends back then.” Steven paused, then sighed. “I don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s just…everything feels so different now. And I don’t know what that means for me.”

“I don’t get it…Can’t we be good friends now?”

“Someday, maybe. I guess I’m saying I’m just…in a really different place than I was back then. I think all this talk about being happy and change has me thinking about how I don’t know how much I can change when I’m clearly not happy myself.”

“What do you mean…? Is that… a no?” They _could_ have been good friends, he had said. The distinction rang horribly loud in her head now, a gnawing, painful reminder of the time Spinel had lost and all the windows of opportunity she had missed. She hadn’t even considered that Steven might have been one of them. The panic in her voice was evident, even as she tried to keep it together in front of him. Why did he look so calm? Was this really just a casual conversation to him? Inside she felt like she could combust at any moment.

“It’s an ‘I don’t know’ – I don’t know what anything means for me anymore. I don’t know how I feel about you suddenly showing up to work things out right after I had a huge public meltdown because I’m so insecure that I can’t not help people. I don’t know if you’re a temptation I can’t handle right now, or if I’m just overthinking my limits because all my friends and family are. I don’t even know how or what I want to change – I don’t have a direction to go to like you do, or a place I feel truly settled in like you are with the Diamonds. I don’t know how to be happy, and I hate that I don’t know when it’s always been so clear before. I’m just trying to figure out what to do now, but not knowing what’s going to help or make things worse just…makes me scared of _everything_.” Spinel stared at him, trying to work through the swirling vortex of emotions going through her – hurt, sadness, concern, but mostly confusion.

“…Even me?”she finally asked. She waited for his response, but he never gave it. She sucked in a breath and held it, trying to calm the confusing mess of emotions inside her.

“So let me get this straight,”she said, her voice forcibly even, “You don’t know if you want to be friends…because you’re scared if you have to help me too much, you’ll turn into a monster again?”

“N-no. That’s not what I said.” But he couldn’t offer a better explanation. Spinel stared down at her hands, the overload of emotions from earlier settling now into a disorienting sense of numbness. A way out of inevitable abandonment. A way to make her friend happy. The shift allowed her to look over and finally face him.

“Welp. I guess I’ll have to try harder so you don’t have to worry so much about me, huh? You won’t want to help me if I’m A-okay, right? Then you at least won’t have to worry about being a monster again, and you can figure out the rest later.”

“Spinel…that’s not what I meant. It wasn’t that simple.”

“Hey, I don’t want to be more responsible for all that than I already feel. Smiles and jokes, right? That’s what I’m best at, anyway.”

“Just forget it – I was just venting anyway. You shouldn’t have to pretend you’re okay in order for us to be friends.”

“I’d rather pretend and get to hang out with you then make you sad and have you hate me,”she countered softly.

“I don’t hate you, Spinel.” Her eyes widened at this, warmth flooding through her chest.

“Really?!”she asked. He tried not to laugh at the genuine tone of surprise in her voice.

“Yeah, really. Did you honestly think I did?”

“I dunno. Sometimes I think everyone hates me.” A beat of silence as neither knew what to say to this admission.

“Do you hate me still?”Steven asked finally instead. Her response was immediate.

“Nah. Only when the diamonds won’t shut up about you.”

“Heh. That’s fair.” Another long period of silence.

“Sorry, that was a lot to unload on you,”Steven said with a long exhale, “I think I just…needed to get that out to someone, though.” Spinel didn’t dare mention how her fear and unease lingered still – probably always would, with Steven at least. He was too important to lose.

“No biggie. Anything for you,”she said instead, swallowing her reservations with a smile instead.

“Anyway…all that being said. Next time we hang out we can do something more low-key so you’re not so stressed,”he said, tearing her from her thoughts. Spinel’s head whirled around to look at him so fast that her pigtails whipped around and hit her in the face, making Steven laugh as Spinel held her nose.

“There’s a next time?! Even though I messed up?!”

“You didn’t mess up, Spinel, you just had a hard time,” he said, looking at her with a smile that was doing funny things to Spinel’s head, “Look, I don’t know what the future holds for either of us, but if there’s anything I don’t want to ever change, it’s that everyone deserves second chances. So let’s just…pretend tonight didn't happen, okay?” Spinel stared at him blankly for a moment, momentarily dumbfounded by his request.

“Even though I’m already way past my second chance?” Steven considered this.

“You’re making up for a lot of lost time. You can have as many tries as you need.” Spinel stared elatedly at him with hearts in her eyes, her hands holding her face.

“Steven I could kiss you right now,”she whispered.

“Please don’t,”he said, laughing nervously.

“A hug, then?”she suggested instead, her voice hopeful.

“At least you asked this time,”he said with a resigned sigh. Taking this as a yes, noodle arms wrapped twice around him, closing the distance before he had a chance to protest. Spinel had to stretch her torso to reach him in his seat, but it was worth it when his hand came tentatively to awkwardly pat her back.

“You really are the best, Universe.”

“Just…do me a favor and be upfront next time if you’re not ready for something, okay?” Spinel nodded eagerly, finally releasing him.

“You betcha!” Steven laughed uneasily, gently pushing her away to give himself some breathing room.

“You feel ready to go back now?” Spinel sighed with a relaxed nod.

“Oh yeah. I think I’m going to just live in one of Blue’s clouds for a while after tonight,”she said with a light-hearted laugh.

“Have fun with that.” Spinel glanced over at him one more time, her chest bubbling with affectionate warmth for the boy that continued to chase her worries of unworthiness away every time. She got another chance with him. The thought alone made her giddy and perhaps impulsive. She stretched her head to steal the quickest of kisses on his cheek before attempting to make her escape. The door impeded her getaway.

“Steven,”she said, oblivious to the irritated blush sweeping across his cheeks, “Where’s the eject button for your ship?...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapters from here on out have very little already written, so your comments and feedback are appreciated more than ever, as they are my main source of motivation. Thank you all for the wonderful comments left already. If anyone is wondering, yes, Spinel's violation of Steven's physical boundaries will be addressed.


	4. Slow Boil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving week! I was not sure if I had the headspace to keep working on this, but here we are. I'm happy to say I'm doing a lot better now than I was a few months ago and have been able to write more. For context, this chapter took 2 months to get barely 1000 words , and I finished the other 1600 words in two days after the right medications finally started kicking in and I was able to rest. Self-care during this time is important, everyone - for your working and creative brain. I sincerely hope everyone is taking good care of themselves and going to see their doctor's regularly. 
> 
> Anywho, this chapter features mostly Steven - no Spinel this time around. She will be back next chapter!

Chapter 4: Slow Boil

Steven was getting ready to check on the greenhouse when his phone began vibrating. Pulling the device out of his pocket, he saw Connie’s name and picture flashing across the screen. Grinning, he accepted the call and immediately put the phone on speaker and set it on his bed while he tidied up his room.

“Hey Connie! Any good news?”

“Yeah, actually! The interview went really well, and the dean said as long as there aren’t any surprises when my test scores come in, I have a spot!”

“That’s great! I’m happy for you, Connie. You worked so hard to get everything ready for that school’s application. Hope you get to celebrate some tonight.”

“Hehe, not until my last interview this Tuesday. Then maybe I’ll treat myself to a fantasy fiction I’ve been eyeing. After all this studying, I can’t remember the last time I read for fun,”she answered, her easy laughter ringing pleasantly through the static of Steven’s phone, “Anyway, how was the graduation party? Did Bismuth keep you busy?"

“She had most of the preparations done herself, but yeah, it went pretty well. We had a surprisingly big turnout. I think some of the original Crystal Gems were more popular than they led on. Even gems from Homeworld came.”

“Sounds like a crowd! Did Spinel show up?” Steven scratched his cheek, his eyes shifting around the room once he finished throwing away the last of his trash from the day before. Deciding he didn’t need to just sit there while he talked to Connie, he tucked his phone in his jacket pocket, speaker side out.

“Yeah, she did. I didn’t see her for the first part of the graduation, but we met up after and talked a lot.” Steven made his way up the stairs to the greenhouse.

“Yeah? How’d that go?”

“Uh, well…she got pretty overwhelmed and tried to hide it, so it did get tense at one point. I think she got to vent a little bit to me and I got to vent to her, so all in all I think we’re okay.”

“Oh good. How was she with the other gems?”

“Honestly I thought everything was fine until the party cleared out and suddenly it wasn’t. I think she’s really insecure about looking bad in front of me for some reason.” Steven paused at the staircase to grab a sack of fertilizer, hoisting it over his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” The smell of earth filled Steven’s nose as he made his way up the stairs, grounding him amidst the emotional strain of that particular question that was beginning to grate on his nerves. He shook it off easily, reminding himself that Connie didn’t mean any harm by it.

“…Yeah, I just…feel bad. I haven’t quite put words to it.”

“Well, what happened to make you feel that way?”

“I don’t know, maybe I just relate? I think of how much I looked up to other humans as a kid and wanted to be friends with everyone. Being involved with all this gem stuff, I missed out on a ton of opportunities to figure out how to even act like a human myself, and it makes me feel super weird and out of place even now. So I kind of get it, Spinel wanting to feel included but feeling really insecure that she doesn’t know how to act around me or other gems. I tried to make her feel better, but I think I just made her feel worse….”

“What do you mean?”

“She looked sad when I was venting to her about how I don’t know what’s good for me right now. And she immediately interpreted it as me saying her neediness was this huge burden for me that she just had to hide in order for us to be able to get along. Which, I mean, she _is_ needy, but I didn’t mean it like that. I definitely don’t want anybody to think just because I’m going through a weird time means they have to just not talk about hard things with me.”

“Isn’t that what the gems are doing, too, though? Being extra careful with you?”

“Well yeah, but I’m not asking them to! I don’t know…when you put it like that… _am_ I asking for it?”

“It sounds like you kind of were with Spinel.” Steven frowned, picking up the watering can on the way into the greenhouse.

“I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, though,”Connie continued, “At least with Spinel. You barely know her, and maybe not unloading on you for once is the only way you guys will get along right now.”

“I don’t want people to think they can’t ask for help. That’s so counter-intuitive to everything I stand for.”

“You stand for a lot more than just helping people, Steven. You’ve got a lot more going for you as a friend than just your ability to solve problems for others,”Connie reminded him.

“Do I, though? I don’t even know what Spinel and I would talk about if we weren’t working out some crisis…,”Steven admitted. He paused watering his perennials. It was a familiar problem - the same that he had faced with Peridot: the panic of not knowing how to be a friend to someone without something to fix with or for them.

“Well, you and I weren’t always working out some big problem,”Connie reminded him, tearing Steven away from his thoughts, “What did we do together?” She was trying to help him figure out the pieces on his own, gently steer him in the right direction. Steven paused to think as he watered a hydrangea bush.

“Um…we watched shows together, and read the same books?”he offered, trying to remember a time when he and Connie hadn’t been involved in some gem catastrophe.

“Yeah! We shared our interests, told each other about our days, and just hung out together. That was fun, right?”she asked, and he could hear the smile in her voice, “I know most of your gem relationships have always been fix a problem, first, hang out later. But it doesn’t have to be like that. You can do dumb stuff with your friends like we do. That’s enough.”

“I don’t know if I remember how,”he admitted as he sprinkled the perennials, “It feels like forever ago when our biggest worry was what movie we wanted to go see.”

“That’s okay, too. You’ve got time to figure it out.”

He froze when he pulled back the shrubs in the corner to check on Spinel’s plant. He had placed it in the shadows of the greenhouse, unsure what it needed but vaguely remembering the garden being mostly dark when Spinel had taken him. He couldn’t be sure though – frankly the ecosystem had been the last thing on his mind at the time. Its stem was sagging, and the one sprouting leaf was beginning to brown.

Clearly darkness was not what this plant wanted. He picked up the pot and instead placed it on the windowsill where it would have more sun, giving it a little water before leaving it alone. He didn’t think a plant that had survived as long as it had would need too much water, but the soil had looked soft and moist when Spinel had given it to him, so he couldn’t be sure.

He changed the subject and asked Connie to fill him in on the details of her interview. He attentively listened and asked lots of follow-up questions about the school itself, but he couldn’t help the nagging uneasiness in the back of his head. It seemed there was always something to worry about nowadays, whether it be Connie going to school, his own insecurities, new and old relationships changing, or the underlying emotions underneath his intermittent pink flare-ups that Steven didn’t know how to begin to address.

When he hung up with Connie, the greenhouse had been watered and he was getting texts from Lapis and Peridot asking if he could swing by Little Homeschool to help out with an extra troublesome construction project if he was up for it. He left after swigging down a late breakfast protein shake, thoughts of Spinel’s plant temporarily forgotten. 

Things were not necessarily back to normal, but they were as close to normal as Steven figured he was going to get for a while. The gems still blatantly hovered over him at most hours of the day. Connie called him daily now. His dad was being more proactive on checking on him. The pink glow appeared effectively distracted, and yet the anger and shame underneath it simmered. Steven didn’t know what to do or how to even begin to address it other than to keep himself busy. So he warped to Little Homeschool and helped Bismuth with some heavy lifting. He asked Peridot about her projections on future upgrades and let her prattle excitedly about their plans for future extensions to Little Homeworld for over an hour. He made meep morps with Lapis. All in all, his day was full, happy, and _normal._

So why did he feel on edge at all times?

“Dad? Is there such thing as a doctor, but for feelings?”he asked later that night, sitting outside the porch with a steaming cup of tea in hand. Greg turned his gaze away from the stars to settle on his son.

“You mean like a therapist?”

“Yeah, I guess. Is that what they’re called? I’ve only heard of them on tv.”

“Sure. They’re people you go to talk about your problems, and they help you figure stuff out. Why, you feel like you want to go see one?”

“Maybe. What do they do? I mean is it like the tests Connie’s mom had me do at the hospital? Those were kind of uncomfortable.”

“No, no, it’s nothing like a hospital. Usually you just talk. They’re professionals, so they know how to help you make sense of whatever you’re going through and sort out your feelings. You can even learn and practice some ways to change your emotions, too, from what I’ve heard.” Steven’s eyes widened – this sounded exactly like what he needed.

“I didn’t know doctors like that existed,”he said honestly. At this, Greg’s expression softened to one of apologetic understanding.

“Oof, I might have done too good a job of keeping you sheltered. Sorry about that, kiddo. I should have thought of that, myself, honestly.” His apology touched something nameless in Steven that he didn’t even realize he needed to hear until Greg had said it. Steven’s fingers curled around the bowl of his mug, the heat chasing away some of the residual anger he still felt for his father and his negligence.

“I think seeing one might be really good for me, if what you say about them is true,” he said instead, taking a sip to ignore the confusing mix of emotions bubbling inside him, “Are they hard to find?”

“Not with the internet,”Greg said with a wink, pulling out his phone. Steven smiled and did the same. Together they spent the rest of the evening looking up qualified therapists, reading their bios, specialties, and backgrounds, trying to find a good fit. Finally Steven came across one that he felt drawn to and saved the number to call in the morning.

The next day, a calm, kind voice greeted him on the other line when Steven got the nerve to call the number he had saved. They talked for a few minutes about what therapy was, what to expect, and agreed to meet in person to talk more specifically about what Steven needed help with. His first appointment set up for two weeks from now, there wasn’t a lot to look forward to in the meantime.

Another week passed. The nameless rage that boiled deep within Steven was being kept at bay with distractions for now. He couldn’t – wouldn’t – engage with it anymore. He knew what was at stake if he did. If keeping himself busy with menial pastimes was the only way to protect himself, his friends, and family from the potential danger he could pose to them, he would happily fill his day with busy work.

And yet, he knew full well this wasn’t what he needed. He felt stuck, unable to confront the awful feelings for fear of what danger he could pose, but unable to fully run from them, either. He stood as a beacon of hope for change to so many gems, and yet, he was beginning to understand the feeling of routine and safety in doing the same thing every day that gems had maintained their entire existence. There was comfort in not being expected to confront one’s faults, to keep doing only what one was good at. Steven wanted to grow, but if growing meant confronting the angry, hurt pink inside him, he knew he couldn’t. The memory of waking up to relieved, tearful faces in the middle of the ocean ate at him every day, reminding him of how much he had worried his friends and family, and how much danger he had put them in. No, he reasoned, if growing meant risking his loved one’s safety, maybe now was not the right time to grow. Not without help.

The greenhouse was thriving under all of Steven’s free time. He hadn’t checked on Spinel’s plant in a while, certain that a week wouldn’t make much of a difference for a plant made to last thousands of years. What he found when he did pull back the other desk plants startled him. Inside, the sproutling had wilted and withered, its two sturdy green leaves sagging into a sickly yellow. Panicking, he picked up the plant and looked around, but of course there was nothing in the greenhouse he hadn’t already given it.

He stared at it, dumbfounded at the apparent discoloration and the implications of what this implied in the context of all he had fought to achieve. He was Steven Universe – harbinger of peace and change. This wasn’t supposed to happen. For stars sake, he had _healing powers_ and he couldn’t even fix this one thing. Tears prickled uncomfortably at his eyes as a familiar pink glow spread across his skin like an unwanted contamination. Too late he realized he and this plant matched in that they were the wrong color and had failed to grow. What would Spinel think of him if she saw what had happened to it under his care? Did he even care what Spinel thought of it?

He buried his hands in his hair, pacing the floor of the greenhouse for a few moments, trying to calm down. He was taking this metaphor very personally. He couldn’t shake the feeling of failure, though – the idea that this plant was supposed to be a symbol of hope in his potential to change, and its dying cruelly mirrored his own loss of hope in himself.

And the worst part was, he had no idea how to help it. How was he supposed to know how to help a flower from space grow when he didn’t even know how to grow himself?

But _someone_ knew how to help the flower, at the very least. And he didn’t have to wait two weeks for her first available appointment.

Feet guided him upstairs toward the warp pad before he had consciously realized it. The pot weighed heavy in his hands, slipping from the sweat from Steven’s clammy hands and requiring frequent readjustment. Steven took a bracing breath before stepping onto the warp pad. It wasn’t dead, just struggling, like him. He would get help. He would save it.

In a flash of light, Steven warped away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments amidst a mostly dead fandom are literally priceless. Any feedback helps tremendously for motivation.


	5. Free-Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven goes to Homeworld to ask Spinel what the plant she gifted him needs to grow. Spinel challenges his negative perceptions of her home and questions how he can stand for the belief that anyone can change if he can’t even entertain a different perception of Homeworld. She invites him to experience Homeworld through her eyes, and shows him sights of Era 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! Going off of my attempt to alternate POV's, this chapter centers around Spinel. This chapter is mostly fluff and world-building. I tried to shave off some length, but it still ended up being pretty long.
> 
> There are smidgens of Stevinel this chapter.

Spinel was worried.

Granted, she worried a lot when it came to her friends. She had agonized for days with the diamonds over her less-than-charming meltdown at Steven’s party, catastrophizing over her perceived failure and lost opportunities. She was sure that Steven wouldn’t want to waste his time on her after that disaster. He was, after all, going through a lot, she reminded herself whenever hope would bubble up, and he wasn’t going to hang out with someone who clearly couldn’t handle herself. She had all but mastered the art of not getting her hopes up – had spent 6,000 years doing it, in fact. The defeated resignation she felt now was all too familiar.

Which was why she felt like a deer in headlights when, only a week after said incident, she heard his voice calling to her from the end of the main palace hallway.

He was here, in Homeworld? And he was waving at _her,_ right? There wasn’t another gem standing behind her? No? No, it was her. That was him. This was real.

Happiness quickly replaced the initial shock. She didn’t care if she knocked over any other gems in her eagerness to get to him. Her arms flew around him with enthusiastic glee, the excitement and relief she felt in just seeing him radiating, ready to burst from overflow. _He doesn’t hate me. He came back._ She couldn’t shake the smile on her face if she tried.

“STEVEN!”Spinel greeted too loudly, topping off the over-the-top greeting with a several loud, smacking kisses against the side of his face. _He’s here he’s here he’s here._ “You came back! You’re really here!” She danced a little in a circle around him before throwing her arms around him a second time, “Ho boy, I almost thought you wouldn’t wanna see me again! But you’re _here_! I’m so happy!” Steven was rubbing the spot she had kissed him with one hand with a somewhat irritate expression, the other wrapped around something hidden in his arm.

“Of course. Why’d you think I wouldn’t want to see you again?” Spinel, surprised and relieved at his genuine confusion, considered her response. The last time they had talked, Steven said he wasn’t sure how to feel about them reconnecting.

“ _I don’t know how I feel about you suddenly showing up to work things out right after I had a huge public meltdown because I’m so insecure that I can’t not help people. I don’t know if you’re a temptation I can handle right now, or if I’m just overthinking my limits because all my friends and family are.”_

Spinel hadn’t completely understood everything that Steven had said, and neither had the Diamonds when she explained what happened. “Whatever happened in the last few months, he’s clearly struggling with something we don’t understand. I know you’re excited, sweetheart, but maybe it’s best you don’t burden him with your own troubles for the time being,”White had suggested. That would be hard when he was literally asking her why her crippling fear of rejection would make her doubt why he would want to see her. No, that talk was too heavy for the elation she felt now being with him. Spinel instead politely put on her best smile and carefully deflected the question.

“No reason,”she replied evasively, then abruptly changed the subject. “So, why _are_ you here?”

“Oh! I came to ask you something,”he explained, shifting the item in his arm to show her. Spinel’s pink eyes dropped down to it, as if just noticing it for the first time.

“Hey! It’s my plant!”she said, enlarging an eye to make a point of looking inside. What she saw made her frown.

“I know. It’s seen better,” Steven said by way of a sheepish explanation, “I realized I don’t really know how to take care of it. Maybe you can help?” Spinel glanced up at him, her earlier glee from earlier leveling out to perplexed confusion.

“Take care of it?”she echoed.

“Yeah. Look, I was thinking about what we talked about last week, and…I don’t know how the future’s going to change or what it’s going to look like, but I can’t make a change if I don’t even know what’s good for me. I don’t know what kind of soil or lighting I need, I don’t know how often I need to water or even if I should water it at all.”

“Are we still talking about the plant…?”Spinel asked, tilting her head to the side.

“I know you don’t know what this is, but…I made an appointment with a therapist for the first time. I’m hoping he can help me work out some of my human problems. The rest…I guess I need to ask for help to figure out. So that’s what I’m going to do. So…can you help me with this?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about exactly, but…how about I show you something instead? Come on!” She took his hand and pulled him forward, leading him through the main hallway, through a succession of corridors, and stopping at a relatively small door that needed her authentication to open.

“Pink’s first pearl and I share this room. You’ve met her, right?”Spinel asked, letting the scanner read her gem as doors slid open.

“You mean Volleyball?”

“Ha ha, yeah, she told me you called her that! She’s really nice. She’s one of the friends I’ve made other than the diamonds. She spends a lot of her time exploring the galaxy and hanging out at that school you made, so she’s not here a lot because she has a lot of time to make up for. But we got to talking about keeping a room of stuff from the past that we don’t really wanna hold on to, but we don’t wanna get rid of, either. So, we came up with this!” Spinel ushered Steven through the open doors into a rounded room filled with…well, junk. Spinel allowed him only a moment to look around, not wanting to waste time with the pink paraphernalia from a past she wasn’t in the mood to engage with. Instead she excitedly pulled him toward the back of the room, where lines of pots of varying sizes waited for them.

“Ta daaah!”Spinel announced, waving her hands, “Welcome to _my_ garden, hehe.”

“There’s so many…,”he remarked, noticing the small garden box behind stacked rows of pots. Their growth varied, many pots only sporting a tiny sapling, while others were in full bloom, pale pink petals stretched proudly out for all to see.

“Sure are! Cross pollinated them all myself!”

“Wow… This is amazing, Spinel.” Steven looked genuinely impressed, making Spinel’s cheeks flush and her chest warm with appreciation for his approval.

“Let’s have a looksie, then!”she said, motioning for the plant still in Steven’s hands. Once in hand, Spinel enlarged her hand to form the shape of a looking glass – unneeded as it was. She considered the plant with a contemplative hum, moving her “glass” down to compare the vibrant green of her leaves to Steven’s sickly yellow. Steven waited patiently for the verdict.

“Hmm…What’s the nitrogen level in Earth’s atmosphere?”she asked after a moment of thought.

“Oh, uh. Connie told me it’s like 80 percent, or something like that.” Spinel’s expression dropped, her hand reverting back to its normal size and shape.

“Well there’s your problem, silly! That’s 30 percent more than the average planet in this star system alone! This little guy’s probably drowning in it.”

“How do I fix it?!” There was a genuine edge of panic in his voice that made Spinel hesitate to use the opportunity to crack a joke. Instead she tapped her chin in thought.

“You need something to neutralize it. Maybe some kind of organic mulch? Most organic material uses up nitrogen as it breaks down, so applying a layer of dried wood or sawdust may kick it down a notch.” Steven nodded as Spinel returned his plant to him.

“I’ll try that, thanks,”he said with a relieved sigh, “Since when did you know so much about gardening, Spinel?” A tense moment of silence hung in the air as Steven clearly realized his mistake.

“N-nevermind, obviously you”- Spinel shrugged it off in an effort to save him.

-“Forget it. I spent a lot of time in the garden even before the Wait. I guess I know a thing or two about plants now!” She laughed uneasily, quickly redirecting the conversation.

“Mhh, oh yeah! Come to think of it, Earth’s water would probably have a different base acidity than most other planets, huh? That’s probably not helping your plant, either. You humans got a way to measure your hydrogen ions? You can take back some of ours and try and match it, if you want.” Her decoy worked, his attention distracted. His furrowed brow worried at the yellow stem as if hoping it could translate what she said for him. His ignorance was lost on Spinel.

“Ohh…yeah…good thinking. I think I’m just going to….write that down and ask my friend back on Earth to help…measure…the…whatever you just said.” Spinel couldn’t help but snicker.

“Hydrogen ions!”she repeated. Silly Earthling, forgetting such a simple thing.

“H-hydrogen,”he echoed with a nod, “And I’ll try the mulch, thanks.”

“Anytime, sunshine!”Spinel said with a grin and a thumb’s up, “Hey, you gotta head back right away or do you have some time to kill?”

“Uh, that depends. What’s up?”

“Well I only get you here when you need something. How about I make good on my promise to show you how Homeworld likes to play? I can show you some fun stops and nice sights, if you want.” She bat her eyes hopefully.

“Oh…that’s really nice of you, Spinel, but me and Homeworld…we’re not really, uh….,”he started, appearing unsure how to summarize his traumatic experiences of Homeworld into a single sentence, “I just…don’t have the most “homey” association with the place that you do.”

“Yeah, being put on trial and getting your friends poofed must have put a sour taste in your mouth,”she acknowledged, seeing the surprised look on Steven’s face, continued, “Oh, the Diamonds told me all about their little mishaps, with them thinking you were Pink and all. Junk in the atmosphere! Homeworld’s totally different now, anyway. The Diamonds said your last visit was like…the first time in almost a year! Come on, buddy, let me show you around town!”

“Uh, thanks Spinel, really, but I don’t think I can just….It’s…Well, it’s complicated. There’s a lot of baggage around this place.”

“And I got arms for days to carry it!”Spinel exclaimed, stretching and looping her arms for effect, “Aren’t you supposed to be Mr. Change? The guy who sings the big song to try and make people see a different point of view? How are you gonna live up to your title, Mr. Change, if you can’t even entertain a different view of Homeworld? It ain’t even hard – and I’m not just saying that because I live here. It’s swell here!” She nodded as if this was the final word of it. Steven had to laugh, knowing when he was beat.

“Okay, okay, you’ve convinced me. Just your top three recommendations, though.” _He said yes!_ Spinel felt as if she was about to explode with joy. She got to spend time with Steven, and in the comfort of her own home, no less! With a happy cartwheel and an excited squeal, she grabbed his hand and yanked him out of the room, back into the hallway.

“Whoa, what’s the rush?”he shouted as he struggled to meet her pace.

“I’m just really excited! This is our first _real_ time getting to hang out!”she shouted back. She heard Steven laugh softly to himself behind her as Spinel over-enthusiastically guided him to the nearest warp pad.

Spinel knew exactly where she wanted to take him first, but the moment the warp beamed them to her chosen destination, she began to doubt. What if Steven didn’t like this? What if this was her last chance, and he wouldn’t ever want to see her again if she blew it? She really _really_ wanted him to see the home she had come to love so much, but what if he hated it? He’d be just another friend Spinel had failed to make happy.

“Wow, what is this place?”Steven asked instead, slaking any remaining fears. With a steadying breath, Spinel turned to face him, her inhibition pushed aside and her enthusiasm renewed at the sight of the boy’s wide, starry eyes.

“This is the new central hub of Homeworld!”she explained, “They’ve got tooooons of stuff to do. We could spend days here, but I’ll show you the highlights. Come on!” To Spinel, the bustling crowds of gemkind talking and laughing, meandering in and out of older Era 1 and 2 buildings were a welcome sight. Even if Spinel rarely got up the nerve to talk to anyone, she felt connected here. Here, among so many other gems who had also been freed in their own ways, Spinel felt part of a community of gems liberated from orders, free to enjoy their lives however they wanted to. Just like them, Spinel felt sure that she would make the most of her life, free of the garden and from Pink.

Chancing a glance at Steven, Spinel was delighted to see a similar wonderment in his eyes as he took it all in.

“Over there we’ve got a travel agency,”Spinel explained, stretching her arm to point at one of the larger Era 2 buildings, “Gems will tell them what they’ve always dreamed of doing, and they find the best suited planet to let them do that. As long as the planet isn’t cockeyed about visiting species, gems can go visit and do their thing for a few days, then high-tail back lickity-split!” She reached over Steven’s shoulder to point out a more open structure of gems exchanging wares.

“That’s the trade center! Gems who are really good at a thing can go to ask gems who are good at a different thing for a trade! A lot of Bismuths hang out here because they can make stuff a lotta gems never had for themselves. I asked one to make me a me-sized tool kit once, so I could help Yellow with her shard repair.”

“What’d you trade for it?” Steven asked.

“Oh, I just told jokes to her and her friends for an hour. She said it was a fair trade, hehe.” As they walked, Steven paused to ask Spinel questions, pointing out similarities in Earth culture when possible, and generally appearing engaged, much to Spinel’s relief.

“This isn’t overwhelming for you?”he asked as they passed a music hall Steven had asked to come back to another time.

“This? Nah, not as long as I don’t have to talk to people. There’s warp pads every block, and I’m never alone. Besides, all I have to do is turn around and I can see home right there!” She made a point of spinning her torso while they walked, glimpsing the Diamond palace behind them looming above the market streets. They made their way past a foreign plant trader that Steven paused to stop at.

“Do you have any other friends here other than Volleyball and the Diamonds?”he asked.

“Sure - I’m friendly with most everyone I meet. I spend the most time with the Diamonds, though,”she replied evasively. She wasn’t lying. After everything she had been through, she just wasn’t sure what constituted a “friend” anymore, and she hesitated to put a label on anyone so as not to get her hopes up if they suddenly weren’t. She looked over at Steven, who appeared enamored with a colorful, folding plant on display. Steven was a friend. She didn’t know how she knew, but she felt it. There was a comfortable warmth sitting in her chest when she wasn’t worrying over what to say around him. There was kindness in his eyes and a forgiving heart that she couldn’t help but be drawn toward. There weren’t words to describe the sense of safety around him, but she knew it was real, and that had to count for something.

“You ready for act two?”she asked, breaking him away from the display with a tug of his arm.

“There’s more?”he asked, “I thought you were exaggerating, but, you were right, we could spend days here.”

“I know, right!? We can come back. I want to show you my favorite, most killer-diller ride, though!”

“Ride?”Steven echoed in a confused tone as he followed Spinel to the nearest warp pad.

“Hee hee, yeah! You got a taste for the city life, now let’s go see the countryside!”

Steven looked profoundly confused when Spinel warped them to a new location and showed him what she declared to be “countryside.” The same pristine white of the city center expanded before them like a glassy sea - tall, gleaming structures placed in an orderly line until they abruptly stopped 200 yards or so to the west. She began walking in that direction, leading a confused Steven behind her.

“It doesn’t look like there’s much up ahead. Are you sure we’re going the right way?”he asked. The buildings thinned out and disappeared behind them.

“Don’t be fooled just because we’re out in the sticks! The action’s right here!” she announced. She stopped at an abrupt cliff edge, holding out her arm for the boy who would have unknowingly walked right off where the ground abruptly disappeared in front of them. Before them stretched a mile-wide spans of empty space from the cliff edge where they stood.

“Whaaaa, what is this?”he asked, his voice rising in panic as he looked down at the thousands of miles below them.

“It’s the Big Crack!”Spinel answered, smiling as if this was all the information Steven should need.

“The…what? You mean the giant crack in Homeworld where it split?”

“Yeah! Like I said. The big. Crack,”she said, “And guess what? We’re going to jump in!” Spinel couldn’t help but giggle at the incredulous look on his face.

“There’s an updraft, silly,”she explained, “Right at this spot, there’s a huge wind current miles and miles down that goes off every four minutes that you can ride up and down to your heart’s fancy. Best kept secret in Homeworld!”

“I-I don’t know about this, Spinel. I don’t see any updraft…”

“Timing is everything! Come on, Mr. Hero. You said top three – you don’t think I would take you somewhere that wasn’t fun, would I? Don’t hold out on me now,”Spinel countered with a cheeky smile, “Nothing to it! Just jump off and let gravity do its thing!” Before he could protest, Spinel abruptly tipped herself backward, arms straight out as she free-fell off the cliff. Steven’s panicked face poked out over the ledge, but he was already shrinking as she fell further and further down.

Spinel knew he wouldn’t have to worry long. With only a low rumble as a warning, a massive burst of concentrated air suddenly ripped upward from the bottom of the chasm back to the surface, and with it shot the laughing pink gem bouncing jovially atop the air current.

“Jump in, Steven!”she called out, her voice barely audible over the rushing wind. From her place atop the stream, she watched him tepidly glance between her and the dark abyss below. Deciding he needed a nudge, she stretched an arm toward him and lassoed it around his middle, abruptly yanking him off the ledge. He yelled and kicked frantically to no avail, flying unwillingly into the current with her.

“Ahh, Spinel, you can’t just”-he started, but appeared to forget his sentence as he glanced down. They were well off the cliff’s edge now, floating freely in the middle of Homeworld’s massive planetary crack with nothing below them but a dark abyss. “O-oh geez. This is very high. W-what do you do when it stops?”he yelled, his voice barely audible over the gush of air running through their ears.

“What? Can’t hear you,”Spinel lied with a cheeky grin that Steven doubtless didn’t see looking down. Spinel waited with excitement as the ebb of air began to slow down, giggling at the panic on Steven’s face as the two of them began to lose altitude. Frantically Steven made himself float, catching Spinel by surprise when, her arm still wrapped around his middle, she abruptly stopped falling.

“Hey!”she called up, hanging underneath him by just her arm as he hovered, frozen in the middle of the chasm in terror, “It’s not as fun if you don’t follow the current.”

“What current?! It’s gone!!”he screamed, his skin flashing pink, “And you can’t just…pull someone off the edge of a cliff and expect them to be okay to fall!”

“You can literally fly, ya yuck!”Spinel shot back with a shameless, teasing grin, “Trust me, you’re missing the best part!” Kicking her legs like a swing to gain momentum, Spinel swung herself up and around, landing flatly on Steven’s shoulders with an acrobatic flourish. Releasing her hold around his middle so that she could use both arms, she sprung upward from her place on his shoulders, somersaulted once for effect, and dive-balled into the chasm below, the echoes of her excited “Wheeee” following her descent down.

Four minutes later, the current came once again fast and hard, right on schedule, and right back into Steven’s trajectory. Arms up, she laughed as the air pushed her up and over the surface’s level where Steven still worriedly hovered. With the current back on, she made a show of doing a few tricks and “swimming” through the air to show him how fun it was. To her delight and relief, Steven slowly allowed himself to try moving more naturally with the current after a minute of watching her, struggling at first with his core balance but quickly getting the hang of it. Soon they were both tumbling through the air, mirroring each other’s flips and tricks (or attempting them) and laughing off the initial apprehension.

Spinel stretched out her hand when she knew it was about to end, pulling herself toward him so he could hear her.

“The current turns on again after four minutes on the dime. Let yourself fall this time, okay? You can hold my hand if you’re nervous.”

“What if we crash?”

“You _won’t_ crash.” Through the wind pushing against his clothes and hair, Spinel saw Steven’s gaze shift nervously from the ravine to hers. Something that Spinel could only describe as trust shone bright in his eyes, something that made her cheeks warm despite the icy air pushing them upright. She felt his fingers tighten around hers and his body move closer. He could trust her. She nodded firmly, hoping he understood the unspoken message. She wouldn’t let him get hurt. Not now, or ever again.

She gave him a ten second warning for his sake. Then suddenly, for the briefest moment, the howling wind was replaced by a singular moment of silence. In that moment, Spinel caught Steven’s unsure gaze, as if he was still debating until the last second whether to just let her fall alone again and wait there. But then they were falling, and Spinel the last thing Spinel registered was Steven tighting his grip on her hand.

As they plunged into the darkness together, it was all darkness, wind, and laughter. Spinel couldn’t see Steven’s expression, or hear him over the wind. This was her favorite part. There was freedom in falling, in giving oneself completely over to higher forces and letting the very planet you were home to take you where it willed. For all of the monotonous waiting Spinel had done for most of her life, falling felt like willful opposition. It was movement, it was chaos, it was rebellious and dangerous and everything she had never allowed herself to be. The dark abyss of the canyon fall was scary, but no more scary than having to be still. Ever the practiced counter, she knew exactly when to anticipate the current’s return - dependable and never one to keep her waiting for when it would carry her safely back home.

And return it did, the rip of the planet’s air current rumbling below them in warning before she began to feel the resistance, that sudden tell-tale end to her free fall. It was only then that she registered the pressure of Steven’s vice-grip that he still had on her hand. So he had followed her all the way down after all. The realization unexpectedly touched her, although the tears didn’t last long. The current was pushing against them hard and strong now as it carried them swiftly back to the surface. The light of the surface hit them hard and fast. Steven released her hand as soon as they stopped ascending. She watched as he used his power to float back toward the safety of the canyon edge. Spinel followed, stretching her arms to the nearest ledge to pull herself the rest of the way.

As soon as his feet touched ground Steven was trembling with his head between his legs. Spinel approached him slowly with a worried frown, for the first time wondering if falling in and out of the sky in between a giant rift might not have been Steven’s particular definition of ‘fun.’

“You okay?”Spinel asked, tentatively gauging his reaction as she stood at his head, looking down on him upside down, “You’re breathing really funny.” Had she overdone it? She might have overdone it. Maybe humans didn’t like things like that. Maybe that was too much for him. Maybe _she_ was too much for him. Maybe-

“Holy shit that was awesome,”Steven made out in his next labored breath. Spinel blinked, pausing to make sure she heard him correctly.

“…Yeah?”she asked, cracking a hopeful smile. His wide-eyed vacant stare focused more clearly on her.

“Oh my gosh. I was _terrified_ the first minute down, but after a while I stopped screaming and…wow, I’ve never let myself just _fall_ like that.” Spinel leaned closer to him, encouraged.

“I know, right?! You just let yourself go and suddenly you’re”-

-“free,”Steven finished. Finally beginning to catch his breath, Spinel’s nerves jumped as he opened his eyes to look up directly at her. Heat rushed unbidden to her cheeks, realizing how close she had unconsciously leaned in, her windswept pigtails dangling low enough to brush his face. A foreign warmth swelled and ebbed like a flame in her chest behind her gem as she continued to stare down at the half-gem boy with the wind-tousled hair and flushed cheeks. His breath, soft and warm, ghosted against her face as he breathed in evenly, in and out. _He’s so beautiful._ The thought came like a shock to the system, seemingly out of nowhere and completely unprovoked. It made Spinel jump back upright with her hands clutched tightly to her chest. Steven slowly sat up, seemingly unaware of the shift in Spinel’s demeanor. With his back turned, she quickly shook her head and slapped her cheeks a few times, effectively snapping herself out of her own thoughts.

“I’m glad you liked it,”she said honestly, rubbing the back of her head, “It’s not exactly a tourist spot…but it’s one of _my_ favorites.”

“Hey, I’m glad you’re showing me your favorites,”he said when he had his bearings, “We definitely don’t have anything of that scale on Earth.” Spinel grinned, pleased with his approval.

“You have enough energy for the grand finale?”

“Oh geez. There’s more?”

“Hehe, don’t worry, this one involves mostly sitting. Come on, I’ll show you the best view in Homeworld.” She tried not to notice how he reached for her hand this time instead of waiting for her to grab and pull him. With his hand wrapped voluntarily around hers, she could better appreciate the subtle warmth radiating underneath his skin and the fact that their hands were the same size. She took a breath, trying, as White had taught her, to be mindfully aware of both the faint fluttering sensation behind her gem and the accompanying panic that followed. _Be aware of your feelings, but don’t let them consume you. You are in control of your actions._ Spinel released the breath she was holding. The painful mix of longing and fear remained, but she remained walking, leading Steven back toward the warp pad with convicted focus on the task. She could unpack those strange feelings later.

Arriving at the warp pad, Spinel turned around to offer a smile to her accompanying friend.

“Last stop!”she announced cheerfully, “Ready?” Steven nodded to show he was ready. He had stuck out this long. As far as she could tell, she wasn’t screwing anything up. Spinel gave his hand a small squeeze, daring to surrender herself to hope – to the dangerous, terrifying, and exhilarating freefall of having faith that _maybe_ this friend might like her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be in Steven's POV. This week is my birthday! I will shamelessly use the opportunity to ask for feedback of any kind. Thank you to everyone who regularly does make it a habit when you're reading a fic! Whatever fandom you're reading for, even the shortest comments can literally make your author's week. Thank you all, and hope everyone has a safe holiday season!


	6. A Talk on the Tower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am quite sick of editing this, so I'm publishing it now. Thank you all soooo so much for your comments, they were very motivating to help get this out in a week. This chapter went through a lot of revisions as I struggled not to accidentally input Spinel's POV or have her disclose too much for the sake of force-pushing the story along. She is a very complicated character who trusts people very sparingly. Even though this chapter focuses on Steven's POV, hopefully some of that distrust still shows.

Chapter 6: A Talk on the Tower

When they landed on the warp Spinel had guided them to, Steven was surprised to realize he recognized the place. It was the only place in Homeworld he had really spent any time in – the Diamond palace.

For a moment, he panicked, wondering if Spinel’s last chosen spot involved the Diamonds. He had hoped not to run into them if possible, especially when the whole point of this was to entertain a different perspective of Homeworld that didn’t involve all the convoluted feelings he had for the former dictators. He didn’t even want to think of how to approach that topic if it came up in front of Spinel. She clearly loved them and didn’t understand that the Diamonds’ actions had far more reaching effects than just misunderstanding that he wasn’t his mother.

But Spinel wasn’t taking him inside the palace. She was leading him around, in fact, where the crowds of passing gems noticeably thinned as they walked. The palace perimeter was huge, and Steven was beginning to lose track of how long they strolled until there was no one around.

“This should be good,”Spinel suddenly announced, “Only a few gems can reach where we’re going, but I still don’t like too many eyes. Pink and I were the only ones who knew about this spot, so I’d rather keep it secret.” Steven nodded in understanding, looking up. All that appeared to be above them was the unique material the palace was made out of, spanning upward thousands of feet.

“You ready?”Spinel asked, tearing Steven’s gaze away from the sky. She was coiled to spring – literally, her feet spiraled in a tight loop. She bounced eagerly with excitement, clearly ready to go. He nodded, bracing his legs to kick off. He had followed her this far, after all.

“Then follow me!” She took off, launching herself high into the sky. Steven followed suite, watching Spinel land at the next available landing before kicking off again. He did the same, rocketing into the air after her. Higher and higher they went. Steven’s legs were beginning to ache, bewildered at the height of the palace that he had never truly noticed before he had attempted to climb it.

Finally Spinel paused at a landing a few levels from the top, turning to wave at him to let him know to stop there. Steven welcomed the reprieve, slowing his descent to land next to her.

“This way!”Spinel urged him on, leading him to climb into the closest window. Steven followed, tumbling ungracefully into a dark, circular room. Spinel was already on the other side, encouraging him on without a second to look around. He hurried to catch up to her.

“Why are we going this way?”he whispered.

“Shortcut,”she answered simply. At the end of a short hallway, Spinel had them climb out of another window. Steven noted how everything outside was covered by a massive decorated trellis, obscuring their view of the bottom and of how high up they really were. In through another window and down another hall they went, until Spinel stopped at the end and motioned for Steven to stand next to her. A hidden button made the floor beneath them come to life and slowly descend, forcing Steven to grab on to Spinel in surprise. The elevator took them to a small, unenclosed alcove jutting out of the exterior of the palace – a semicircle landing underneath the hall above them that, unlike the landing above, did not have any protective covering surrounding the perimeter, allowing a clear view of the sights below. It was small and obscured by the landing above and below them, allowing for complete secrecy.

“We’re here!”Spinel announced, hopping off the elevator with a flourish. Steven followed after, approaching the ledge with curiosity. What he saw made his mouth fall open. Homeworld lay before them in a bird-eye view. White, blue, yellow, and pink structures of varying heights dotted the cityscape across a sea of brilliant, shimmering white – a sparkling white world to match the brightness of stars.

“Come sit with me!”Spinel urged, tugging at Steven’s arm. He nodded distractedly, unable to take his eyes off of the sight below them.

With some encouragement from Spinel, the two settled near the lip of the balcony edge, their feet hanging freely off the edge. Despite what they had just done together, Steven felt his stomach flip a little uneasily at the sight of the drop below them. They were so high up that he couldn’t make out the forms of even the largest gems at the bottom.

“You can see everything from up here, huh?”Spinel pointed out, looking at Steven for his approval. Steven brought his legs in to sit cross-legged, feeling more comfortable with his legs not sticking out so vulnerably to the open sky.

All day, he had felt Spinel’s eyes shifting toward him, checking his reaction, or just openly staring. It was a little unnerving. She clearly cared deeply about his opinion, if the multiple times she had asked if he was having fun was anything to go by. He figured her excitement was just because it was so rare to get to show someone around Homeworld for the first time, since most gems were native. He didn’t think too much of it.

“It’s great,”he said, giving her the assurance that she wanted. She beamed, pleased.

“…It’s not Earth, but it is pretty, isn’t it?”Spinel continued, her eyes still on him instead of the view.

“Yeah. It is, actually,”Steven said, surprised himself to realize he meant it. Homeworld wasn’t the picturesque naturescape he had come to associate with the word “pretty,” but there was soothing tranquility in order and stability. Perfectly aligned spires, elegant mounted structures juxtapositioned exact distances from each other – it looked like a picture of sparkling white perfection to match the over-drop of sparkling stars above. Two years ago Steven might have thought it too perfect, too artificially contrived. But there was a soothing quality to even spaces and perfect balance. A world without confusion, without chaos, with only pretty lines and unchanging environments. He could appreciate that more now.

He looked up at the stars, foreign stars and foreign moons blinking back at him, but to gems here, they were the only things that changed in their lives. He glanced over at Spinel, the lights of the distant city shimmering in her eyes, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips as she looked down on her home with genuine happiness glowing in her countenance. For Spinel, change was a welcome breath of fresh air, but Steven…Steven found himself feeling slightly jealous of the gems below him. They had spent the majority of their lives knowing what they needed to do, where they needed to go. They had always known permanence. They could always count on everyone and everything in their lives to stay the same.

That is, until Steven had changed everything. Ironic, how the thing he had freed gemkind from was now the one thing Steven craved.

Feeling his skin begin to prickle with the tell-tale warmth of pink, he quickly shoved that thought aside.

“What’s your favorite thing about living in Homeworld?”he asked abruptly, breaking the silence in an attempt to redirect his train of thought.

“My new family, for sure,”Spinel answered without hesitation, then tapping her chin, added, “I like that there’s always something to do in Era 3. It’s not at all like the Homeworld I remember, but I’m glad for that. Every day is so much fun, and time passes really quickly. I like that a lot.”

“So you’re happy?”

“So happy!”she exclaimed with an excited kick of her legs that made Steven smile with genuine affection.

“I hoped so. You didn’t seem happy at the party, but I didn’t know if it was just the situation or Earth or me or something else.”

“Oh, well that was just cuz I’m not very good with big social situations anymore. And I was pretty nervous to hang out with you for the first time.”

“Really? Why would you be nervous about that?” Spinel flinched as if the question had startled her. Steven waited as she thought, but she just smiled innocently. “Mmm…pass. ANYWAY. Did I tell you how Yellow helped me not be so scared of other gems?” Steven took the hint and allowed for the change in topic, pocketing Spinel’s admission in his memory for later.

“No, tell me.” Spinel grinned.

“Well you know how at the party I got all nervous? Imagine that, but like…all the time! Around anybody! I had completely forgotten how to be around other gems. And the Diamonds, being so nice and smart, they picked up on it really fast. Yellow was the one who came up with the idea. She told me I gotta challenge myself a little every day if I really wanted to change like I said I did. So when she started reconstructing gems from gem shards, she had the great idea of having me start out being the first gem to greet them! I’d be the first friendly face they see, and if I was awkward, well, the gems were usually just so happy to be whole again it didn’t matter. And once I had some practice, the other Diamonds got in on it, too! White would take me to her charity runs and let me demo her new power for everyone, and Blue would let me sit in her clouds while I practiced talking with visiting gems so I could practice while I felt more like myself. And after a few months, I was a lot less nervous!” She paused to consider something.

“I guess it worked so well it didn’t even cross my mind when you invited me to your party. Or that I only was able to do all that because I had Blue, White, or Yellow with me to help.”

“It sounds like you put in a lot of work.”

“I think so! But I couldn’t have done it without the Diamonds,”she said, then adding a little shyly, “And you, obviously.”

“Compared to all that, I hardly did anything,”he said, laughing uneasily, “…Did you do anything else that helped? I’m…kind of selfishly asking for ideas for myself.”

“Really? Aren’t our problems pretty different? I mean I can totally relate to turning into a big grumpy monster attacking Earth,”she teased with a wink and a knowing grin, “But I hardly see you as the total wreck I am most of the time, especially with my suitcase full of issues.”

“I don’t think we’re that different, actually,”he said thoughtfully, “I haven’t been alone most of my life like you have, but I definitely understand how scary it is for people to leave you behind.”

“…Really?”she asked, her curiosity piqued.

“Yeah. For humans, it’s pretty normal for people around my age to start thinking about moving away, or pursuing a job, or school. We don’t have warps everywhere like you guys do to visit whenever we like. So when a human leaves, you never really know when you’re going to see them again. You can still talk to them on phones, but if they go far away it can get hard to see them regularly. All my friends will be leaving soon. And I worry that even when I do see them again when they visit, it’s not going to be the same, because they’re going to make new friends and have a completely different life to go back to.”

“Oh…that would be really scary,”Spinel said slowly, “I know how that is, though.”

“I know,”Steven acknowledged with a sigh, “So that’s why I ask. I don’t know what my friends are going to do, or where they’re going to go. But if all I can change is my own attitude about it, then I’ll take all the advice I can get from someone whose been there.” Spinel couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re asking _me_ for advice about change?”

“Well, yeah. You’ve changed a lot since we last met – probably the most of anyone I know.” The pink gem’s eyes widened at this.

“Whoa really, you think so? That’s probably only because I started out at level 0, and you started out at like…level 50! I’m just catching up as fast as I can, but you’ve already done a ton of work!” Steven smiled at the analogy.

“Heh. Maybe. Still, you seem really happy. More…centered, I guess. More so than I feel right now, anyway. So what’s your secret?”

“Aw geez, I don’t know that I’ve really done anything at all. I’m still a wreck over the kind of stuff you’re dealing with. I’m just trying to make up for lost time however I can,”she said, looking up in thought, “I guess… it helps to have supportive people make being alone not so scary. Like how whenever White left for one of her events and I got super nervous about her leaving, she’d always leave me with something to do to calm down until she got back. And how Yellow would push me to talk to other gems other than the Diamonds. And Blue lets me sit with her for as long as I want so I won’t be alone, even when I’m feeling kind of messed up.”

“So…you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, but your friends made it safe.”

“Bingo! I don’t know that I’d be able to do much of anything if it weren’t for them,”she beamed.

“Did you ever mess up, even though you had them?”

“Pssh, are you kidding? Every day for months was a meltdown any time one of them left the room. I tried to hide it for a while, but that just made it worse and more obvious. We talked it out eventually, but geez-louise that was haaaard!” Steven nodded, his eyes focused on the cityscape before him.

“It’s hard for me, too. I always thought I could do anything as long as I had the gems and Connie around. I’m not so sure, now…Especially since Connie’s planning on leaving, too.”

“Hey, cheer up, buttercup. Maybe you just need someone encouraging you, like I did?”

“Encouraging me to do what, though? To not completely combust and wreck everything I touch?”he asked sarcastically.

“I dunno, maybe? I can definitely relate to wrecking things... For me it was kinda like…’Well, if I’m gonna completely combust anytime someone leaves, how can I make sure I’m not alone if they gotta leave?’ And once I worked up the nerve to talk about it, we actually started brainstorming ways they could help me out. And then I stopped combusting as much once I had more options. So maybe you just gotta figure out what’s making you combust first?”

“It’s not just one thing, though. It’s…complicated…” He supposed that was something he could talk about with his new therapist when he finally met in person with him, he thought. It wasn’t a bad idea. Next to him, Spinel kicked her feet lightly against empty space.

“Maybe it’s kind of like that building blocks game, where you take a piece out and put it on top without knocking over the rest,”she continued after some thought, “If you’re scared you’re gonna fall over if your Earth friends get pulled out, do you need to put in new ones?” It took a moment for Steven to connect that Spinel was talking about Earth’s version of Jenga, and another to fully visualize the metaphor.

“You mean like…make new friends?”he finally asked when he thought he understood the comparison.

“Yeah. Then you’ll have lots of help for when you combust. And when your friends come back to visit you, you can put the pieces back where they were before.” Steven immediately shook his head.

“I appreciate the analogy, but I don’t think our problems are quite the same. I don’t want to replace the friends I have, it’s more that I need to figure out how to be okay with them moving on with their lives without me.” For a long moment, neither of them said anything. Steven glanced over to see Spinel suddenly not looking at the city anymore, but at her knees.

“Oh,”was all she said. Too late, Steven realized why his comment seemed to stop Spinel in her tracks. Of course Spinel couldn’t relate to being okay with friends leaving her behind. What Pink had done to her was not okay, and Spinel never had the surety that he did that his friends would reconnect at some point in the future. Her friend had lost her form while Spinel was waiting for her, and Spinel would never be able to see her again. Steven could understand how accepting that other people could leave felt incomprehensibly impossible, especially after only less than a year since she had left the garden.

“…But that’s _not_ okay,”she finally said, looking at him, “You should get to move on, too.” The smallness in her voice gave Steven pause. Spinel’s legs had stopped kicking. Her posture had deflated and her energy from before appeared sapped. Steven hated to think that he was responsible for her change in demeanor.

“Spinel…it’s okay. I will, some day,”he said, even though he didn’t know if this was true at all, “It’s just…” He had to think of his wording carefully, realizing how close to home this was hitting her. “…I can’t be Mr. Change or whatever you called me but not let my friends grow and change, too. I have to figure out how to be okay with that, even if I’m not okay with it right now.” Her hands tightened in her lap, her brow furrowed in willful defiance.

“Yeah well _I’m_ not okay with it. In fact, it’s stupid,”she said, her voice rising and her arms folding over her chest as she continued, “Why should you have to force yourself to be okay with your friends leaving you behind? _They’re_ the ones leaving you. It’s not fair.” Steven paused, wildly touched by her indignance and not knowing what to do with it. No one had ever just…gotten mad for him - other than Connie.

“…You know, I think you’re the first person whose ever said that to me,”he said slowly, looking at her with an appreciative smile, “…Thank you.”

“It shouldn’t take someone with my sob story to tell you that whole scenario is the pits,”she snapped, genuinely angry for him. Steven laughed, soft and half-heartedly. Spinel’s expression softened somewhat to hear it, finally lowering her arms and glancing at him.

“I always figured this was just something I needed to get over and learn how to be happy for them. But…you’re right. It sucks. I’m not okay with them leaving.” Spinel snorted, side-eyeing him with a half-smile.

“You’re telling me,”she retorted sarcastically, “It sucks ass.” Steven couldn’t help a laugh at hearing the once cute and innocent gem swear, feeling a small weight lifted from his shoulders to have someone unequivocally on his side validating him, illogical as it was.

Beside him, Spinel fell silent again, her eyes falling back down to the city scape, a tiny, almost inaudible sigh escaping her lips. Steven glanced at her, the insurmountable grief and anger weighing uncharacteristically open in her countenance, unconcealed by her usual jokes and high energy. He couldn’t help but frown in concern, knowing something was off but not knowing what or how to address it.

“…Are you okay? I know I’ve been talking about myself a lot, but if there’s anything you want to talk about, too, you know I’m here.”

“Oh, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? I had a really good day with you, I don’t want it to end with me making you sad.”

“I’m not sad,”she said evasively, raising her eyes to meet his as if to prove him wrong, anger quickly replaced by hopefulness, “Hey. Did you really mean it? That you had a good day?” Steven didn’t want to change the subject, ever mindful of the tension remaining in her shoulders, the glassiness in her eyes that told him something he had said had touched something painful in her he itched to help ease. But she looked at him so hopefully, so genuinely wanting his assurance that she had done well - he couldn’t just ignore that.

“I had a great day,”he confirmed with a soft smile for her benefit, “Thank you, Spinel.”

“But…do you like Homeworld even a little more now? Enough to visit again, maybe?”she asked hopefully, “I could show you some more fun spots next time…or I could think of some other activities? I’ll come up with something fun.”

“Of course I’d come back. I like Homeworld a lot more now, thanks to you. And don’t get me wrong, this is really beautiful and all,”he started, gesturing to the view below them, “But I’d come to visit you, not to see Homeworld.” Of all the things that they had talked about that day, Steven was surprised that this of all things was what made tears unexpectedly fill Spinel’s eyes. She blinked twice, appearing stupefied by his response until one traitorous tear spilled over and snapped her out of her trance. She touched the wetness on her cheek as if she wasn’t sure how it got there, quickly turning around to wipe the rest away. Steven didn’t know what to say, frozen in surprise. Slowly he raised a hand to settle on her back, unsure what else to do. She turned back to him with dry eyes and a forced smile suspiciously quick.

“Sorry! That was really dumb and random,”she said too cheerfully. Steven frowned, daring to be a little direct.

“Can I…ask what upset you?” Spinel shook her head, her pigtails waving with the movement.

“No need! I’m not upset.” Steven hesitated.

“It’s just…talking about it might make you feel better…”

“It’s nothing, really. It’s windy up here, must have gotten some dirt in my eye is all.”

“Spinel…”

“It’s _nothing_ , Steven,”she snapped, surprising him with her unexpected harsh tone. Slowly he removed his hand from her back. Her expression relaxed, looking apologetic. “Sorry, it’s just…I had a really good day, too, and…I don’t take those for granted. I just cry sometimes, it’s no big deal-io. I’d rather talk about you or happy things.” Steven hesitated, fighting against every natural urge to push her to open up to him so that he could help her.

“Okay,”Steven answered instead with a small nod, “Whatever you need.” Spinel shifted, uneasy.

“…Did I mess up?”

“No, of course not. I just wish I could help you and I don’t know how.”

“Heh. That makes two of us.” Silence settled between them for a long, awkward minute, neither quite knowing what to say.

“Would hanging out again cheer you up?”he asked, the first to break the silence. The suggestion indeed appeared to perk her up.

“You really want to?”

“Sure. I guess it’s my turn now, to show you around my home. If you want to keep hanging out, that is.”

“Are you kidding?”she asked with a tiny laugh that cut through some of the tenstion between them, “I’ll always wanna hang out with you.”

“Even though Earth doesn’t have any crazy planetary rides?” Spinel tilted her head with a contemplative frown.

“Like… _any_ rides?” Steven laughed at her genuinely concerned expression.

“Don’t worry, we have _some_ rides, they’re just man-made,”Steven assured her, “I can show you Funland for real next time, if you want. I don’t think taking you while you were rejuvenated really counted.”

“Yeah, my memory of that is pretty fuzzy,”she acknowledged, tapping her chin in thought, “Did Garnet and I have a dance party or something…? I remember a lot of singing…like, at _least_ five musical numbers…” Steven laughed and began to fill her in on what had actually happened. They fell into comfortable small-talk after that, swapping stories of adventures long past. Steven was glad to see her acting like herself again, but a lingering worry remained in the back of his mind for her. Spinel was loud and sometimes overly enthusiastic, but he fretted at the grief hiding behind her smile that she had made too good a practice of hiding. He worried, when she joked and laughed with him, how much was real and how much she was putting on a show for him. He couldn’t put a finger on how he knew she was a practiced liar – perhaps because he recognized it as something he did himself. Still, he couldn’t force her to open up to him, so he let it go for now.

The Homeworld sky didn’t change, but Steven knew a significant time had passed when his stomach began rumbling and his dry mouth alerted him to his dyhydration. He let Spinel know he needed to go. Unprompted, she wrapped her limbs around his arms and legs with her body pressed against his back like a rucksack.

“Hee hee, your method of getting down is much less work!”she said by way of explanation. Steven rolled his eyes but allowed it. The jump down was indeed much less work than going up, the two floating weightlessly toward the ground. When they finally landed in front of the Diamond palace, Spinel unwound herself from his limbs.

“Forgetting something?”she prompted, reaching into the light of her gem to pull out Steven’s plant.

“Oh! I didn’t realize you were carrying it this whole time,”he said, accepting it from her with a sheepish laugh. The whole reason why he had come in the first place. 

Spinel’s expression dropped as she glanced down at her feet, suddenly shy. “Um. You weren’t just offering to hang out on Earth to make me feel better, right? I mean, I am going to see you again?”

“Of course,”he said, understanding, “Want to plan for next week?”

“Oh, for real? I-I mean – yes, yes, I’d like that,”she said, uncharacteristically flustered.

“Great. Meet you at my place?”

“O-Okay.” Steven turned to the warp pad with a casual wave, then turned back after a second thought.

“Hey, Spinel?”

“Yeah?” Awkward as it was with one arm carrying the potted plant, Steven wrapped his free arm around her in a hug.

“Thanks for your help today. And for pushing me out of my comfort zone. _And_ for listening,”he added with a light laugh against the side of her hair, “You’re a good friend.” He released her with an appreciative smile, finally waving a parting goodbye to her as she stood there, her hand frozen mid-wave. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have admittedly not started writing the next chapter, so I can't promise an update exactly a week from now, but I will do my best! Thank you all who commented!


	7. Banter with the Diamonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays! This chapter features only Spinel. This chapter ALSO features some shameless representation of gay rocks. Said gay rocks will not be a main part of the story, so if it’s not your thing, don’t worry, they’re just there to be a part of Spinel’s supporting cast.
> 
> I'm not ignorant to the Diamond’s issues and that Spinel’s family would not be as perfect as she makes them out to be, I just don’t have the time to give the diamonds a ton of attention for this particular story when I want the main focus to be on Spinel and Steven. Also, I already wrote an entire Spinel/Diamond fic :/

Chapter 7

* * *

“White, hold still!” The former matriarch in question paused in her commentary to allow the small pink gem standing on her shoulder to regain her balance as she attempted to weave another lily through White’s dense mass of hair. Said pink gem’s tongue poked cutely out of her mouth in fervid concentration as she worked.

“Hmm, I think just a few more sprigs here and I’ll be done,”Spinel said thoughtfully, stretching an arm all the way down to the floor where the flowers she wanted grew, “Aw White, you’re gonna look so pretty!”

“She already does. Well done, Spinel,”Yellow Diamond complimented. The three diamonds and Spinel were relaxing together in one of White’s many chambers, large enough to house three giants. Spinel had offered to do her friends’ hair while they small-talked. As some of the flowers Spinel wanted to use were twice her size, Yellow had enlarged her threefold to accommodate the troublesome project.

“Did he give you a parting hug this time?”Blue asked Spinel, “You returned so happy last time he offered.” The smaller gem had been in the middle of telling the diamonds about her last hangout with Steven. The only thing to break Spinel’s attention away from an otherwise detail-oriented task, Spinel tugged hard on the giant flower’s stem, pulling it through before she turned her attention back to the topic at hand.

She had spent time with Steven twice since Spinel had shown him Homeworld – once on Earth at Funland, and a second time back on Homeworld, where Spinel had taken him to see a music concert. Steven had commented that he had never heard “space music” before, and encouraged Spinel to come see an Earth concert next time “shady kill her shush pets” came into town, or something like that. Spinel had been glowing with anticipation ever since, and had scarcely been able to talk about anything else.

“No, but I did,”Spinel answered, carefully weaving a stem through the bouquet she had made at White’s temple. The colors offset the natural brilliance of the diamond’s perfect white. In it, Spinel had made sure to include flowers of varying hues of blue, yellow, white, and small sprigs of pink – their complete family. “He acts so funny when I surprise him with hugs and kisses. He gets all blushy and mad – he’s so fun to mess with, hee hee.” And, Spinel privately thought, she couldn’t help that his face was so soft and squishy and fun to kiss. 

“Remember when she was so nervous when Steven invited her to his party?”Blue sighed whistfully to Yellow, “Now look at her, spending every week with him.”

“Frankly I’m jealous, Spinel. He’s never once visited us of his own volition, and we’ve known him for over two years now. You must be very special for him to want to spend so much time with you.” Spinel paused, looking up.

“Do you really think so?”

“Of course. Hmm…I do hope we haven’t offended him in any way. He’s visited her here twice now and never stopped in to say hello…,”Blue said wonderingly.

“Of course we haven’t. We’ve barely seen him – what could we have said or done to offend him?”Yellow reasoned.

“Has he said anything to you, Spinel?”White questioned. The two waited for Spinel to respond, who appeared distracted, braiding smaller, more manageable stems into White’s hair as if on autopilot, a dopey, toothless smile plastered on her face.

“…Spinel?”Blue asked.

“Oh – sorry! I got distracted. White, I broke the stem, I’ll get a new one.”Spinel acknowledged with a sheepish grin. She made an unnecessary “zrrr” sound to accompany the stretch of her hand back down to the flower bed at White’s feet.

“What exactly has you so unfocussed, Starshine?”White inquired, “You’ve been more preoccupied with your thoughts than usual as of late. It’s unlike you.”

“She’s daydreaming of Steven, of course,”Blue interrupted with a knowing smile.

“Oh gee, is it that obvious?”Spinel laughed as her arm retracted back with the replacement flower in hand, “Sorry, when Yellow said I must be special to him, I just spaced out.”

“Hmm…that is hardly a shocking statement, though, yet you’ve been ‘spacing out,’ as you say, nearly every day now. Are you well, dear?”

“I can’t help it. I’ve been…feeling all kinds of weird feelings lately whenever I think or talk about Steven, and it’s all so new that I get wrapped in my head, trying to make sense of it all.”

“What kinds of feelings, dear?”Blue questioned.

"Oh, well maybe not _that_ weird. We don't have to talk about it,"she said quickly.

"Oh come now, Spinel. Please tell us,"White urged. Spinel tapped her chin in thought.

“Well, it feels kind of like when I was Pink’s, but different somehow. I don’t know how to describe it. I’ve been feeling _warm_ the more I’m with him, but…not like a temperature? It’s like, even when I just think about him, all the light in my gem is smiling. All I can think about is him and the next time we’ll get to be together, even when I try and keep busy and distracted. I think about his voice and his eyes and how nice he is…I replay all our conversations over and over again. I think about all the things I want to do together and imagine us doing them…” She paused, nervously twisting the end of a stem. “…And lately, I’ve been thinking more about…us touching…” Her face burned as she immediately pretended to preoccupy herself with the end of the stem she was holding.

“What do you mean?”Yellow asked. Spinel sat on White's shoulder, pulling her pigtails in front of her face and drawing her knees up self-consciously. Why did she admit that? Why on earth would she say such an embarrassing thing out loud? She didn’t know a single gem who had ever described an experience like the one she was having, so obviously she was just messed up and weird. Why would she reveal that aspect of herself to her most important friends?

“J-just normal stuff. Hugs, maybe holding hands. N-nothing weird. Just y’know… thoughts…” _That won’t go away._ She neglected to mention her more embarrassing fantasies as of late, mostly of Steven holding her in his arms, perfect for keeping her warm and safe. She didn’t mention how her figurative heart literally skipped whenever he would initiate a friendly touch, even as pitifully small as a high-five. She was so pathetic and touch-starved, that’s all this was, she reasoned. Who wouldn’t want to wrap their entire being around him just to feel some semblance of closeness? Who didn’t wish they could bury themselves in that warm, earthy scent he carried around him, capture that perfect smile in their memory and turn the world around to keep it there? He was the most amazing, selfless, beautiful being in the galaxy. It wasn’t weird, Steven was just _that great._

….And yet, as Spinel glanced self-consciously around at her three best friends, she found herself wondering, as she often did the last few days, why those same thoughts didn’t come interrupting her day unbidden when she thought about the diamonds. Her three beautiful, inspiring, incredible friends, who Spinel looked up to both literally and figuratively. Why did obsessive thoughts of hugs and hands and beautiful eyes not plague her every thought when she thought about those friends? She loved their hugs and pats and gentle little rubs on her form to show their physical affection, but she didn’t obsess about it. Something about her affection for Steven and the diamonds felt very…different.

“…That’s not weird, right?”she asked, slowly peeking an eye out from behind her pigtail. She was checking for disgust and rejection, but to her great relief, her friends only appeared thoughtful and confused.

“Hmm, it is nothing like I’ve experienced, but it seems you are happy for it nonetheless,”White acknowledged. Blue and Yellow said nothing. Spinel didn’t miss the fact that they weren’t smiling, and she felt her gem grow heavy with the dread of not knowing what they were thinking. Without consciously willing it, she felt her body grow tense as she imagined Blue and Yellow hating her, whispering about how much longer they’d have to put up with such a strange gem before they could get rid of her. Knowing how close she was to White’s line of sight, sitting right on her shoulder, Spinel quickly shook her head, planting her hands firmly on her friend’s shoulder pad and taking a deep breath. Snap out of it. White wouldn’t let that happen.

“Uh, well, happy is one word to describe it,”Spinel said slowly as her nerves settled, forcing herself to appear casual and relaxed by gently kicking her feet against open space, “More like…all my feelings are just amped up to maximum sensitivity. Like when he says something nice I’m WAY happier than if someone else said it, but if he has to go I’m way more messed up about it than usual.” Spinel missed her friends sharing a look with each other.

“…Was that why you came to me the other day to sit in my clouds?”Blue asked, concerned.

“Oh-no! I mean, yeah. But it was no big deal, really! I just got to overthinking, and well – I just didn’t want to deal with that stuff. So I didn’t!” Blue frowned, leaning her head thoughtfully on her hand.

“Hmm. If I may, dear…my powers are not a replacement for true happiness. You know you can always talk to us if something is troubling you.”

“What’s the point of having a super cool power like instant happiness if you can’t use it?”Spinel challenged with a pout, “Doesn’t it make more sense to just sit in a cloud and zap! – feel too good to think about it?”

“A temporary relief to be sure,”Yellow acknowledged, exchanging a look with Blue, “…But I’d have to agree with Blue that feeling better is not always the same as doing better. And if you are experiencing more frequent distress, dear, a few hours in a cloud cannot magically solve the source of your distress.”

“You guys worry too much. I’m just happy to finally be friends with Steven, is all. I mean, sure, sometimes I wonder if I really deserve him and think a lot about how he probably has more reason than anyone to dump me and is probably just hanging out with me because he feels sorry for me because I literally cry over any little nice thing he says. But I mean, he’s so great, who wouldn’t be a little razzle-dazzled about the savior of the universe spending time with them?” She laughed uneasily, turning her attention to the final touches of White’s hair piece to avoid the uneasy looks of her three friends.

“How long have you been having such thoughts, dear?”Blue asked. Spinel had sported thoughts of unworthiness and inevitable rejection on a daily basis at most hours of the day, but she didn’t tell them this.

“I dunno, a while,”she answered vaguely.

“Starshine, you know we love Steven,”White Diamond started, trying to stay still for Spinel’s sake, “But if anyone should be happy to have such a wonderful companion as you, it is him.” Spinel flushed at the compliment, rearranging pieces of White’s hair to cover up the messier bits, shyly averting her eyes from the other two diamonds emphatically nodding their agreement.

“Aww…thanks, White. That’s real nice of ya to say,”she finally said. With her enlarged size, she didn’t have to lean in too far to press a quick kiss to White’s cheek, causing a matching blush to appear on the giantess’s face. “I finished, by the way.” She summoned a hand mirror from her gem, stretching her arm to show White the finished product.

“Oh Darling, what exquisite artistry!”White complimented with a pleased smile, turning to see the elaborate design Spinel had created, “I love it. Thank you, Starshine.” Spinel’s gem warmed with affection and satisfaction for White’s approval, only growing by Blue and Yellow joining in to compliment the finished product as well. Spinel beamed in delight as White Diamond brought a hand up to affectionately press Spinel to her cheek. Spinel hugged as much of White’s face as she could without stretching, which, even in her enlarged state, wasn’t much.

“Lovely, to be sure,”interrupted Yellow with a frown, “But don’t change the subject, dear.”

“I wasn’t! We were talking about Steven, right?”Spinel asked with a naïve smile.

“No, we were talking about _you_.” Spinel’s smile dropped with a groan.

“I don’t wanna talk about meeee,”she whined, “I’d rather talk about you guys or Steven, anyway. Hey, Yellow, I have your brooch almost done, and Blue’s flower crown! I’ll go get them while the fonsips and crotadils are in bloom.”

“Spinel, wait”- but the pink gem had already theatrically somersaulted in the air and used her legs as an air-propeller to shoot across the room to the door on the opposite side.

In truth, Spinel was glad to be out of the spotlight for a moment. Perhaps if she gave her friends a few minutes to talk amongst themselves, they would inevitably stray to a different topic of conversation and leave her and her unwarranted insecurities alone to never see the light of day again. Whatever weird feelings Spinel was experiencing regarding Steven, she would have to do a better job of keeping it under wraps to avoid an interrogation. After all, the diamonds couldn’t help her with it, so why bother broadcasting what a misfit she was when she already felt unfit as it was? A spinel, living with a family of diamonds. It was humbling moments like these that reminded Spinel to remember her place, friend or not.

She took her time in her room, taking a few moments to pace the floor while she bided her time. The creep of panic edged at the back of her mind whenever she was alone, but she found that moving around helped keep it at bay. She couldn’t hold it back for a long time, but she was getting better every day. She took a deep breath and paced, reminding herself that there were gems just outside the hallway, that her door remained permanently unlocked so that she never felt trapped, that the diamonds were just a few halls away.

She had left the projects she had mentioned on a bed of anti-aging soil to preserve the giant flower’s freshness. Just as she had decided she had waited long enough and was about to put the items in her gem for the trip back, she heard a knock at her door.

“Come in,”she called out. Who would be visiting her? She had only been in her room for five minutes – no one should know she was here.

“Hello, dear,”Blue Diamond called out, ducking her head as she entered. To Spinel’s surprise, Yellow appeared behind her. They had followed her to her room? But why?

“Long time no see!”she joked through her confusion, “Sorry I forgot to send out the invites, but – party in Spinel’s room! Is White not down to shin-dig? I always figured you were secretly a part animal, Yellow!”

“White doesn’t know we’re here,”Yellow answered simply. Any humor Spinel could have managed withered and died instantaneously.

“…Oh,”was all she managed, “You guys in cahoots about something? Did you guys want sneak peaks at your flowers?”

“No, sweetheart,”Blue said, the soft flowing cadences of her voice always carrying a soothing quality that Spinel especially appreciated right now. Blue knelt down so she was closer to Spinel’s eye level, which Spinel also appreciated. “We wanted to talk. About the feelings you were describing earlier.”

“Oh.” _Oh._ “Oh stars, that was just a bunch of dumb gobbledygook, really! I think some of those flowers I’ve been around are making me feel a little sauced, because I don’t even know what I was saying. It’s totally fine, like I said, I’m just happy!”

“You know we’re happy if you’re happy, dear. Truly, you deserve nothing less,”Blue started gently with a kind smile.

“These feelings you have for Steven, though,”Yellow continued, exchanging a glance with Blue, “Are you sure they’re nothing?”

“What are you getting at? I’m just excited to have another friend, is all.”

“Just a friend? Is he someone who you have an unexplainable longing for? Who occupies your thoughts and heart on a seemingly permanent basis? Who you long to know more intimately on every level?” Spinel stared wide-eyed at the giant, caught off-guard by the surprisingly accurate description.

“Y-yeah,”she finally responded, stupefied by Yellow’s comparison. The two diamonds exchanged another look, seeming to agree on something.

“…Spinel, sweetheart,”Blue said gently, “Have you ever considered that you might be developing… _romantic_ feelings for Steven?”

“Romantic feelings? What’s that?” Yellow bent down to join Blue at her level.

“Well, it’s…similar to a deep friendship, but…hmm…Yellow, how would you describe it?”Blue asked.

“Perhaps a deep connection, but with an added component of physical attraction to your partner,”she offered, “There’s a much stronger desire for physical proximity to someone you have romantic feelings for than other friends.”

“And…would you agree there would also include a desire for a more permanent, committed relationship between two gems who had romantic feelings toward each other?…”Blue asked, looking suddenly shyly at Yellow.

“Y-yes, I would agree that’s so. When two people share romantic feelings for each other, they can commit to be in an exclusive loving relationship to each other, and to…share in their emotional and physical affections exclusively as well.” Spinel felt completely lost during this whole interaction. Her arms crossed over her chest, looking between her two friends who had hunted her down to talk to her alone but didn’t even appear to be talking to her anymore. They were looking directly at each other, blushing for no apparent reason.

“Um…are you guys still talking to me?”Spinel questioned with a tilt of her head, “You’re acting weird.”

“Y-yes, of course,”Blue said, quickly shaking her head to refocus on the smaller pink gem, “Spinel, we wanted to speak to you privately because, from what you described earlier, what you are feeling for Steven may be very similar to the experience of… _other gems_ …who have had romantic feelings for their partners. And we wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings, dear one.”

“And that, if you ever have questions navigating your own feelings, we know… _other gems_ who have felt similarly,”Yellow finished. Spinel stared hard at her two friends, her mind whirring with questions until two wires connected, and suddenly it hit her.

“Ooooooh,”she voiced aloud, her face breaking out into a huge grin, “You’re talking about _you_!”

“No, no, not us - we were talking about _you_ , Spinel,”Blue tried to rescue herself, but Spinel’s grin was so wide it stretched across her entire face. Her hands came up to cup her cheeks, hardly able to contain her glee.

“Oh my stars. Ooooooh golly. Blue and Yellow. Yellow and Blue. Why didn’t I see this before? It’s so obvious now that you’ve explained it!”Spinel exclaimed as she paced, too excited now to keep still, “You guys have those feelings for each other!”

“Shh, keep your voice down!”Yellow Diamond shushed her, glancing worriedly at the door.

“What, you afraid to let White know you wuv each other?”Spinel teased in a high voice, making immature kissy faces at them. Blue and Yellow exchanged defeated glances between one another. Blue leaned down closer to the smaller gem who was skipping animatedly around her room, throwing confetti that seemingly appeared in her hands out of nowhere.

“Spinel, you have to understand,”Blue whispered, hushing the energetic gem, “White has spent thousands of years isolated from us in her ship. It may have been of her own volition, but she has still spent enough time feeling left out. If she knew, she would only feel more left out than she already has been. Regardless, it is a rather…recent development, and there’s no need for her to be bothered with mine and Yellow’s personal affairs. Please don’t tell her until we are ready to ourselves.” Spinel stopped skipping, recognizing the serious tone in Blue’s voice. Yellow had her arms crossed over her chest, her shoulders tense and her expression tight, waiting for Spinel’s response. Spinel watched with new insight how Blue wordlessly reached around to touch Yellow’s back in comfort, how she instinctively leaned in closer even as her eyes remained solidly locked on Spinel’s.

“Like a secret? Just between us?”Spinel asked slowly, looking between the two.

“Yes. That would be for the best,”Yellow agreed.

Spinel extended her arm, thumb and pinky finger sticking out. “Sealed with a promise?” It was something she had done with Pink, that she had showed the diamonds and then modified. When she and Pink made a promise to each other, they would touch pointer fingers and Spinel would wrap a free finger around both of theirs. The diamonds recalled doing something equally as unique and silly with Pink themselves, but decided a more collaborative approach was needed for their new family. They now hooked their pinky and thumbs to the person next to them, forming finger chains. Blue and Yellow smiled affectionately and nodded, reaching down to connect their hands together.

“I promise I won’t tell anyone your secret,”Spinel promised, nodding once to emphasize her pledge.

Thank you, Spinel,”Yellow said with a relieved smile, “We trust you.” Spinel released their promise hold to instead wrap her small hand around their fingers, beaming up at them.

“You guys are sweet to worry about me, and come all this way to try to make me feel better even though you were risking your secret,”Spinel said, affectionately tilting her head to the side, “You really are the best friends I could ever ask for.” Spinel felt silly now. She had assumed her friends were disgusted with her, but all this time they were just trying to help her feel less insecure. She could feel every ounce of tension coiled in her limbs gently release, leaving Spinel feeling warm and loved.

“Likewise, dear,”Blue agreed, “And please don’t hesitate to come to us if you need a listening ear for these types of things.”

“Oh I have no idea if what I’m feeling is even close to what you guys have. I mean, you guys have known each other for…who knows how long! Steven and I have only been buddies for less than a month,”she said with an uneasy laugh. _How long until Pink….?_ No, Spinel didn’t want to think about that right now. Not when she had two diamonds smiling down at her, caring for her, trusting her, making her feel warm and valued. It was such a rare feeling that Spinel rarely got to keep for very long, and she wanted to hang onto it as long as she could.

Stretching all the way to Yellow Diamond’s shoulder in one leap, Spinel leaned eagerly close to her friend with a large grin spread across her face.

“Well don’t leave me hanging! Tell me the story of how it happened.” She saw Yellow and Blue exchange one last look with each other, appearing to agree on something and nodding with a smile.

“Alright, but it’ll have to be the short version. White will be suspicious by now, so we’ll tell you on the way back.”

“Yes! Long version, to be continued!”Spinel exclaimed, punching the air in delight. The three gems made their exit after Spinel had remembered to collect the items she had come in for and stored them safely in her gem. Spinel listened eagerly to the watered-down, and admittedly anticlimactic, version of Blue and Yellow realizing they were better able to love each other when their focus shifted to healthier outlets in Era 3. She asked as many questions as she could fit in the short two minutes it took to return to White’s chamber. They promised they would provide more details another day.

Spinel made a point of keeping the conversations focused on her friends for the rest of the day. She sat on top of Blue’s head threading stems together and listening to the three diamonds share stories. All the while, her preoccupied mind privately flitted with images of dark brown eyes and a toothy, compassionate smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because a lot of what I write is inspired by fanart, here is the link for a lovely work of Spinel doing White's hair: https://ladylore97.tumblr.com/post/188307701190. Here is the link for the artist's Tumblr if you would like to follow them: https://blumenbeets.tumblr.com
> 
> Happy holidays to all and a happy new year! See you in 2021!


	8. Beach Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Sorry for the wait! This chapter sets the stage for plot points I want to include in later chapters, so I had to really stop and take some time to reevaluate what’s going to go in each subsequent chapter to make it work. I ended up deciding to add two more character development chapters before we get to the juicy drama, because…well, these kids have a lot of issues. That being said, this chapter is a bit longer, with a lot of different character focus. 
> 
> My sincerest apologies to Converse shippers who wanted more this chapter, but I'm already almost at 6,000 words.

Chapter 8: Beach Day

Steven’s therapist was a kind man about his dad’s age with a gentle voice and demeanor. After some paperwork and introductions, Steven’s first session was spent mostly attempting to explain his history, powers, and unusual family dynamic to the gentleman who was just barely able to make it through the hour with a straight face. By the end of his second session with Dr. Phillip, Steven knew he liked him. They agreed to meet twice a week.

“I’m curious, Steven,”Dr. Phillip began at the start of Steven’s fifth session, “You said that you initially sought me out to work on your anger and better understand your new powers, but you haven’t once brought it up since. I wonder if that is intentional, or if you were waiting for me to ask you.”

“It was intentional,”Steven sighed, fidgeting nervously in his seat. He still wasn’t completely comfortable in this setting. Dr. Phillip’s office was clean and professional, and nothing like any environment Steven had ever known. “I know I said I wanted to work on it, and I know I need to. I just don’t know if I can.”

“Can you expand on that a little?”

“Well, I was turning pink even when I was just thinking about distressing stuff, much less talking about it out loud.”

“It sounds like you’re scared of what might happen if you do connect to what is truly upsetting you.”

“Well, yeah, the last time I really tried to connect with that feeling, I hurt someone. I almost hurt a lot of people.”

“And yet, I’ve seen you glow pink briefly every week so far at some point in the session. I wonder what you imagine would happen if you allowed yourself to stay with that feeling, to allow us to explore it together?”

“You mean, like just let my body swell up and glow…?”

“You can put it that way. What would it be like for you to allow yourself to feel and explore those feelings instead of immediately snuffing them?”

“I couldn’t do that. I don’t have a strong enough grasp on these powers. I could seriously hurt you if I lost control again like I did.”

“And yet, I have no gem to shatter. You are safe to share anything you want here, or to share nothing at all. I am not a villain aiming to harm you or your family, nor will I ever threaten you to do anything you don’t want to here. If you want to leave, you can leave. If you ever need a break, we can stop. It sounds like you’re afraid of losing control, yet you have full control here.”

“I…don’t know if I’ve ever had control over anything in my life,”he admitted after a moment of thought. His therapist nodded, unperturbed by his response.

“You’ve never had control over anything in your life,”he repeated gently, his gaze hanging onto Steven’s avoidant ones, “I can imagine that must make it difficult and frightening to even entertain the thought of relinquishing safety if that was true. Even to your most trusted relationships.” Steven didn’t say anything. For a long moment, the two sat in silence. Finally Steven released a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

“Yeah,”was all he managed, “It really is.”

* * *

Outside his therapist’s office, Steven pulled out his phone out of habit and began walking while he caught up on some texts. The boardwalk was only a ten minute stroll away, and Steven decided he needed some fresh air.

A quick lunch and some replies later, and Steven realized it was late enough he might catch Connie on a break. His thumb hovered over her contact, needlessly hesitating.

There was always a brief moment of tentativeness when butterflies would abruptly make work of his stomach whenever Steven pulled up Connie’s number now. Things weren’t necessarily different between them, but there was a newfound sense of heightened confusion and anticipation. They were teetering on the edge of something old and new ever since their first date two weeks ago, and Steven was surprisingly confused to realize it was leaning distinctly toward old. Was he supposed to feel so normal after kissing his best friend for the first time? Was this just what it felt like to be dating someone you already felt completely comfortable with? He didn’t have anything to compare it to, but he liked the newness of the situation – liked it like he liked roller coasters and training and reading a good book. It felt fun and scary, never knowing where the next part was going to take you but enjoying the rush that came from wanting to find out nevertheless. But it was still _familiar._

Steven had done well on his promise to plan the first date. Connie teased him the entire time for it, completely normal, as if Steven was making a big deal about what to eat for breakfast. She liked their relaxed relationship, she had said. Steven did too, but this was a celebration of her and all her hard work, he had insisted. He had taken Connie to a relatively nice restaurant in Ocean Town, and then planned a ceremonial “burning of the books” bonfire on a cliff overlooking the ocean which had Connie laughing in firelight glow as they took turns throwing in stacks of papers detailing admission requirements that Connie had already finished. They had settled by the fire as Stevonnie to watch the stars, and when Steven drove her home, it just…happened. Like the silly romcoms they always watched together from countless movie nights, Steven kissed his best friend outside her door underneath a porchlight glow and felt his heart leap to see her cheeks flush and smile for it.

And then they hadn’t made a big deal about it. Maybe this was where Steven felt loss – grown up as he was only on movies and fanfiction to fail to tell him what was supposed to happen next after the big, romantic kiss. Were they a couple now? Was he supposed to follow up with something? Everything felt so _normal_ between them still, he worried something was wrong. It wasn’t as if he wanted anything between them to change, but he figured something would at least _feel_ different.

“Steven!”Connie picked up by the second ring, her voice cheerful as usual, always glad to pick up his calls. “I was just about to call you!”

“Great minds think alike,”Steven responded with a small smile Connie couldn’t see, “I’m guessing that means I caught you on a break?”

“Sure did! How are you?”

“Good! Just finished therapy and grabbing something to eat.”

“Yeah? How was your session?” Steven paused, debating if he really had the headspace to talk about it. Deciding that standing outside of Fishstew Pizza probably wasn’t the time or place, he deflected the question.

“It was fine. How are you?”

“Marie Kondo-ing my room before I have to start packing,”she explained with a light chuckle. They had watched the first three episodes together last week together, and Connie had been really taken with the concept. Steven was admittedly, less convinced. “What have you been up to since we last saw each other?”

“Nothing much. Other than therapy, I’ve been keeping busy hanging out with some friends who are going away soon. I’m trying to cram in as much friend time as I can – gem friends included. I’m even scheduling in Onion, and he’s just starting middle school!” Connie laughed on the other line, her voice a cheery melody in his ear.

“Look at you, Mr. Social Butterfly.” From the other line, Steven could hear the sound of dishware being moved. “Hey, I’m making sandwiches and salad for lunch if you want to eat here instead.” Steven looked guiltily down at the fruit smoothie in his hand.

“I literally just ordered a smoothie and was going to ask if you wanted me to get you one,”he moped.

“It’s no problem. I have free evenings now, remember?”

“Of course I remember. I’m cashing in all the Connie-time I can get now that you’re done with applications. Does that mean date night tomorrow?” Connie laughed, her voice slightly muffled as she put him on speaker phone to be able to use two hands to prepare her lunch.

“We don’t have to call _every_ time we hang out a date. Besides, I need some casual Steven-time, too,”she said, missing the slight tinge of disappointment in Steven’s face, “Are you free tonight? I promised tomorrow to my dad. He’s getting all nervous for his only daughter to go off to college. It’s really cute.”

“I can relate,”Steven said with a sigh. “Hmm…I’m hanging out with Spinel today, though. We usually spend the whole day, but I can tell her we need to cut it short this time.”

“Oh, no you don’t have to do that. I’ve got tennis practice until five, anyway.”

“Are you sure? You just said you wanted Steven-time.”

“I do, but I can share. It’s not like I’m not going to get my fill at some point,”Connie said knowingly, “Besides, you’ve been saying nothing but nice things about her lately. The fact that you’re actually getting a lot out of being friends with her is…surprising, honestly, but a good surprise. You should go have fun.”

“Why is it a surprise?”he asked, confused.

“Oh come on, Steven, you know why. You have to admit the circumstances of her trying to kill you were different than a lot of the other gems. I was just worried you were biting off more than any one person could chew, trying to befriend her after everything she went through. But I’m glad to hear you say she’s able to hold her own.”

“Yeah, for the most part. I think,”he said unsurely. “We are having fun, but it’s hard to tell with her. She has me convinced she really is happy half the time, and the other half it feels like she’s just trying extra hard to convince me she’s happy when she’s really hurting. But every time I ask, she says she doesn’t want to talk about it or lies and says everything’s fine.”

“Sounds like someone else I know.” Steven blanched, unprepared for the implied accusation.

“…What are you talking about?”he asked, confused.

“Well, you. You know you bottle things up a lot, right?” She didn’t say it meanly, just matter-of-factly. He didn’t know why, even though he had heard the exact same thing from every member of his family, and knew it was true, but Steven still found himself feeling defensive.

“What? No, I don’t. And besides, it’s totally different. Spinel will start shaking, and she’ll literally start crying at random times. And if she sees me looking, she’ll just crack a joke and force herself to stop and pretend to be bubbly and cheerful right after.”

“Like how you glow pink and tell everyone ‘it’s probably nothing?’”Connie countered. Steven didn’t know what to say. His smoothie slid an inch down his hand, the ice melting even under the afternoon shade and making the cup slippery. On the other end of the line, he heard Connie sigh.

“I’m sorry, I’m sure you don’t need this right now. I’m really glad you have a new friend, Steven. I think I’m just high-strung because every time you talk about your worries for Spinel, they sound a lot like the worries I had for you, when you were spiraling. I don’t mean to compare you to her, and I know you’re not being avoidant on purpose. I just can’t help getting a little defensive whenever I see you putting on a face for people. But I know you’re trying hard in therapy, and I completely trust you that you’re working on whatever it is you feel like you need to hide from.” Steven found a bench and sat down, suddenly feeling as if the act of walking was too distracting for such a conversation. He took a deep breath and breathed, focusing on the sounds of the boardwalk, just as Dr. Phillip had taught him. What would Connie say if she knew that he wasn’t working on those issues at all? What if she knew he had essentially told his therapist earlier that day that he wasn’t even willing to address them? Was it really to protect other’s from getting hurt? Or to protect himself from being seen?

“Y-yeah. No, I’m…sorry if I worried you,”he finally replied.

“Definitely not the issue you should be worrying about,”Connie countered gently.

“Not to…completely validate everything you just said, but…I don’t really want to talk about this anymore,”he said, his voice forcibly light, though his heart felt suddenly heavy.

“Okay,”she replied easily and immediately, “So, Friday night, then? Fantasy or romantic comedy?”

“Hmm…I’m thinking horror-thriller with a car chase scene? And maybe a comedic relief character best friend? Oh and definitely a giant animal of some kind. Friendly or malicious - I’m not picky.”

“I’ll have to sit on that order,”Connie laughed, “Anyway, it’s going to be hard to eat and talk at the same time. See you Friday?”

“See you Friday,”Steven confirmed. Steven stared at his phone as Connie ended the call. His reflection stared back at him with worried eyes. He shook his head, deciding he wasn’t going to think too much on that. Today was supposed to be fun. He was going to spend the day with Spinel and show her the beach. Most Homeworld gems would just stare with puzzled looks whenever Steven tried to introduce them to the appeal, but Spinel would take to it. She always found a way to make everything fun and light and a little easier to breathe in. He wasn’t going to worry about his avoidance, or Connie, or anything today. Tossing his finished smoothie in the trash, he started down the walkway toward their agreed meeting place.

He arrived five minutes early and decided to wait. He had only been thumbing through his phone for a few seconds when he was suddenly struck hard by an unidentifiable force from behind. With only a moment to slow his descent, he fell face-forward into the sand.

“STEVEN!” A bright, familiar voice shouted directly behind him, two rubber arms wrapped twice around him. The next thing he knew, Spinel’s cheek was nuzzling against his, squeezing him hard enough to hurt.

“Spinel…stop…,”he gasped, desperately trying to push her off him. Why did she have to greet him so enthusiastically every time? He could feel the pinpricks of annoyance begin to boil, fast and hard, and before he could turn pink he used a fraction of his diamond strength to free himself from her iron grip and sit up. He hadn’t glowed, but it was nonetheless annoying being glomped like that, and it planted an unwanted seed of resentment that he didn’t want there when he was finally starting to look forward to their weekly hangouts. He opened his mouth to finally say something about it, but she beat him.

“Surprise! I was so excited to see you, I got here early! I missed you!” And then he closed it. Inside, the dregs of unsaid resentment remained, but Steven didn’t know how to begin to voice it. He saw only a smiling gem who was genuinely happy to see him – what right did he have to deny her happiness when she had missed out on so much already? If just his presence was enough to make her happy, didn’t she deserve that much?

“Hey,”he said, forcing his voice to remain even as he swiped the dust off his jeans, “You made it.”

“I took the Little Homeworld warp!”Spinel explained, keeping one arm wrapped around his, “I got a peeksie at your school thingy you started. Pretty spiffy, mister!”

“Heh, thanks. Most of the credit goes to Bismuth and the original Crystal Gems, though,”he replied sheepishly.

“Oh yeah, I saw your friend Bismuth, from a distance. And Amythest, too,”Spinel said, rocking on her feet, “She actually came up and said hi. Well, kind of.” This did surprise Steven. Of course he had told the gems he had been talking more with Spinel and that he had invited her to hang out a few times recently. They were as surprised as Connie had been, albeit more confused, but they didn’t say anything other than to be careful. Steven didn’t know what to make of it.

“What’d she say?”Steven asked, curious.

“She didn’t say much at first. She just kind of stopped and stared at me like this,”Spinel explained, mimicking Amethyst’s nonchalant stance, her arms crossed over her chest, “And then she said ‘sup,’ and ‘heard you were hanging out with Steven today.’ Then when I said yes, she just turned around and left.” She paused, cocking her head to the side. “Is that weird? It felt kinda weird.”

“Yeah, that is a little weird for her. I’ll ask her about it later,”he said, “Anyway. I said I’d show you the beach today, right?”

“You mean the Earth’s water?”she asked, raising an eyebrown, “You’re gonna have to sell this hard, you know. I still don’t get what’s so great about a giant puddle of salt liquid.”

“I told you, the beach is just the sand and the shallow part of the water,”Steven laughed, leading her away from the sidewalk and toward the beach, “Have you ever even played in water before?”

“…How do you play with water?”

“Wow, am _I_ going to get to teach you how to play around for once?” He couldn’t help but laugh at the genuine distress playing over her face.

“Wait, hold on, I’m freaking out now. _Are you_?”

“Spinel, you can’t tell me you haven’t splashed around in water before,”Steven pressed.

“I never thought to do that! I thought water was just for plants and terraforming!!”she shouted, then pulling her pigtails down, whispered, “I’m having an identity crisis right now.” Steven couldn’t help but laugh. They bantered and teased each other back and forth until they made it to the waterfront. Spinel was eager now to get in the water as soon as possible. Steven made quick work of his jeans and shirt, having already planned to wear swim trunks underneath. He caught her staring between him and his neglected pile of clothes on the sand.

“You change form to get wet?”she asked, confused, “Should I change mine, too?”

“You don’t have to. You’re fine the way you are.” Spinel didn’t look convinced. After a moment of consideration, Spinel shut her eyes in concentration. Her form engulfed in light; her pink bottoms extended to look similar to Steven’s trunks. It looked silly, but she gushed at their “matching forms” regardless.

As soon as Steven began splashing her, Spinel got the gist. They immediately fell into a creative rhythm, Spinel stretching her limbs under the water to bombard him with splashes from behind. Steven retaliated by thrusting large chunks of his shield to create tidal waves. Spinel dodged, flattening herself against the ocean floor where Steven couldn’t see her, using the opportunity to sneak up under him and yank his legs down into the water. He knocked her back by forming a bubble around himself. Spinel tried fruitlessly to break the bubble, but realizing she was beat by a diamond’s power, switched tactics. With one last futile tackle against the bubble’s surface, she abruptly retreated, limping away and holding her hands tightly against her gem.

“Ow…ow, ow, ow…”

“Spinel! Are you okay?!”Steven called out, quickly dropping the bubble to rush to her side in concern. He had barely reached her when out of nowhere, his face was assaulted with a massive wave of water clean to the face. Spinel turned around with a victorious grin.

“I win!”she declared. Steven coughed twice, blinking the salt water out of his eyes as he stared incredulously at the snickering gem, dumbfounded.

“Y-you tricked me!”

“And you fell for it,”Spinel laughed, keeling over.

“I thought I hurt you!” Spinel cocked her hip, a teasing smile on her lips.

“Aw, did Steven never learn how to play dirty? You should know you can’t expect to win without exploiting your opponent’s weakness.”

“Geez, Spinel. That’s just mean.”

“Maybe you’re too nice,”she chided, abruptly shoving him hard so that he fell backwards with a loud splash. Steven flailed only for a moment but managed to break water fairly quickly, only to see her sticking her tongue provokingly out at him. He braced himself against the shallow bottom to stand.

“You know what this means, don’t you?”he asked, struggling briefly to regain his balance. But Spinel was already leaping across the sandbar, cheating by stretching her legs to get a league ahead of him in an instant.

“I can’t hear you, but if you said ‘war,’ then I accept your challenge!”

The two were lucky there weren’t many tourists lounging around today, because with unrestricted powers, their ‘splash fight’ quickly turned cataclysmic. The two were beat by the end, with Spinel reigning victorious and Steven – human limitations aside – exhausted. They decided to retire to the sand for the rest of the afternoon.

“I can make _anything_ I want?”she asked for the third time after Steven had shown her the basics of sand sculpting.

“Yeah, literally whatever comes to mind.” Spinel continued to stare at the sand as she had for the last five minutes.

“What do _you_ want me to make?”she asked after a moment of thought. Steven held back a sigh. It wasn’t that he wasn’t used to this – gems not knowing how to act on their own opinions. But it still surprised him when even the most spontaneous of Homeworld gems inevitably got stuck on something that required independent creativity. He stared at Spinel, staring disgruntledly at the ground, and wondered if she had ever been allowed to play any games she wanted to play that didn’t revolve around keeping Pink happy. He wondered if she had ever even entertained the idea that she was allowed to have personal opinions at all until recently.

“Why don’t I start making something and you can add on to it?”he suggested instead. Eagerly, she nodded with apparent relief. They fell into comfortable silence after that as Steven began working, Spinel intently watching him. He felt when her gaze would shift to stare at him instead, but he didn’t say anything. She would do that a lot, and he knew if he just asked her again she would just say “it’s nothing” like she always did.

He had been concentrating so intently on shaping one of the cornerstones of his sand fort, he didn’t register where Spinel was until her arms came looping around his shoulders from behind. He jumped, surprised by the sudden contact. Her chin rested lazily against his bare shoulder.

“Um, hi? You okay?” Staring aside, she had also been getting more touchy lately – even more so than usual. This, Steven didn’t know if he would ever get used to. Spinel had a history of overly friendly unwanted physical affection, and though usually innocent and genuinely sweet, there were enough instances of the former to make Steven wary.

“Yeah,”she said softly, “I just like your hugs a whole lot.”

“Is there some reason you need one?”he asked, worried. She shifted slightly, her body pressed against his back. Steven could feel his gem pressed flush against his spine.

“No. Today is a really good day. You’re just warm and smell nice.” She punctuated this by sighing happily, her arms dropping into noodles around him, drawing out a small chuckle from Steven.

“I can’t imagine I smell like much more than salt and sand right now.” Spinel shook her head slightly, her cheek rubbing against his shoulder.

“No, you smell like Steven. And you’re always warm, even when it’s cold out,”she continued with a lazy loop of her arms around his bare shoulders, “Is that a human thing?”

“I guess? Connie says our body heat is an output of the energy we eat from food…or something like that.”

“This Connie you always mention sounds pretty smart,”she said, suddenly swinging herself around so that she was instead sitting in Steven’s lap, “Did I ever tell you that this is my favorite seat in the world?”

“Okay, now you’re just teasing me,”Steven said, gently pushing Spinel off of him. She landed ungracefully in the sand, giving him a pout that Steven could only assume was for theatrics.

“What a heartbreaker Steven is,”Spinel fell back with the back of her hand over her forehead in overly dramatic dismay, “This is it. One more rejection did it. Consider me shattered. After 6,000 lonely years, a cuddle from Steven might have saved me. But alas, I whither away like the sand…” Her hand dropped to the ground, her tongue lolled out of her mouth with an over-the-top sound effect for dramatic flair. Steven rolled his eyes with a knowing smile.

“You’re impossible, you know that?” He punctuated this by taking a sand shovel and letting a sizable amount of sand fall directly on Spinel’s face. If she needed to breathe, he might have had more sympathy for her sudden coughing and sputtering, shouting knee-jerk obscenities at him that he knew she didn’t mean. He just laughed at her and pretended to get equally as mad when she purposely shook the sand out of her pigtails onto him. But there was no bite to his anger, and the pink glow felt blissfully far from him today. It was so _easy_ , to just goof around and not think about his worries. His problems felt miles away with friends to laugh and joke around with, like all the bad in the world momentarily disappeared with a few smiles. Today was a good day. 

The sun was beginning to descend toward the horizon line. Spinel had gotten the idea and had finally joined Steven in finishing his sand structure, pausing to gaze distractedly at the sun’s descent, the warm orange of the sky refracted beautifully in the water. They had fallen into a comfortable silence as they worked, so comfortable and focused, that Steven had missed Spinel’s shifting mood until she asked a question:

“Steven, do you like me?” The question surprised Steven so much that he didn’t know what to say at first. Her eyes remained focused on the sunset instead of him, and for a moment the only sound between them was the gentle breeze whistling in their ears that made Spinel’s hair dance around her like red flames. When Steven finally collected his bearings and realized Spinel wanted an answer, it came fast and immediate.

“Of course I like you.” Spinel let just as long of a silence pass between them before answering.

“You sure?” She smoothed down the side of her sand wall, not looking at him.

“I’m sure.”

“…Sorry I tricked you before.”

“What? We were playing. I wasn’t actually mad.”

“Okay,”she said, then after a pause, “It’s just, I would never play that dirty back _then_ , and I”-

-“Spinel, it’s okay. Really.” Her eyes assessed the finished project, abruptly standing. Suddenly she turned to him with that deceptively bright smile on her face. Steven knew he wasn’t going to get to ask any follow up questions.

“Lookie here! I made something of my own after all!” She pointed to the one of the faces of their sand castle, where Spinel had drawn an upside down heart on the castle face, “All great artists must sign their work, you know.”

“You’re right,”he said, taking a stick and drawing a messy star underneath it, “There. Now it’s done.” Spinel kicked her leg out and spun excitedly.

“We did it!”

“We did it,”Steven laughed, holding up his hand for a high five. Spinel reciprocated with a wide grin. Her palm remained connected to his even as he pulled away, unwilling to let go. Steven simply dropped his hand to his side, assuming she had mistakenly forgot how to high-five.

“You want to call it a day? I’ve got to get dinner for me and the cats soon.”

“I don’t know what a dinner or cats are, but does that mean I have to go home?” Steven didn’t miss the disappointment on her face.

“Well, let’s plan what we’re going to do next week while I walk you back. We can take the warp at my house – it’s closer.”

The sun had disappeared underneath the ocean line by the time they returned to the house, and the night sky was illuminated with stars. Steven didn’t bother taking her through the house, instead bringing Spinel around the back to the outside staircase up to the galaxy warp. Steven noticed the lights were on in the house but didn’t comment on his family being home.

He wished Spinel goodbye at the warp at the top of the stairs, and even though he shouldn’t have been surprised, he was nonetheless taken back when she rushed in with arms looped twice around for a hug. His arms came tentatively around her back, feeling her arms tighten around him, not making a move to pull away.

“You really do give the best hugs,”he heard her whisper against his shoulder. He gently released her with a small smile, forcing her to reluctantly retract her arms.

“See you next week, same time?”he asked. She never mentioned it, but Steven always made sure to say this, if not to see the hopeful tension on her face ease a little bit. She was always worried, even when she didn’t say so, that he didn’t want to see her again.

“Yeah! My place next time. See you, Steven.” He waited until she had warped away, turning back to the door leading downstairs.

Amethyst was easy enough to find, sitting at the kitchen table with a sandwich of some strange design in her hand. Steven opened the fridge to pour some juice for himself and then sat down at the table with her. With her mouth full, Amethyst gave him a once over and motioned for him to wait until she had swallowed.

“Oof, that went down wrong,”she said, hitting her chest with a fist to no avail, “What’s up, Ste-man? Did Spinel go home already?”

“Yeah, I just saw her off,”he said, sipping his juice, “What uh…what do you have there?”

“What’s it look like? Leftovers,”she explained through a mouthful of food, as if this was obvious. Steven just drank his juice, wondering at the fact that the only thing in the fridge was some soup from yesterday.

“She said you guys ran into each other on her way here today,”he brought up casually.

“Mm-hmm.”

“She might have just misinterpreted, but were you, by any chance, a little stand-off-ish when you talked to her…?”

“All I said was hey. She definitely just misread it.” She took another nonchalant bite.

“Right, I figured. She’s…pretty awkward socially – relearning a lot of social cues and all.”

“Sure,”Amethyst said with a shrug, her mouth full.

“So…do you think Garnet and Pearl would mind if I invited her over here next time?”

“It’s your house, too, dude,”Amethyst answered, not looking at him. Steven frowned, unsettled by her detachment when Steven had been nothing but overly coddled by the gems for the last month and a half. Now Amethyst looked as if she was flat out ignoring him.

“…Is there something else you want to say? About Spinel, maybe?” Amethyst regarded with a cool expression as she finished off her sandwich, getting up to top it off with a soda from the fridge. She ate the entire can in one gulp.

“I don’t know, man. I know you’re all about helping people out and giving them second chances, but Spinel just gives me weird vibes. I’ve never seen you get so close to someone who had really, _really_ wanted to hurt you. Like I’m glad she’s not trying to kill you and all now, but isn’t it…I don’t know…kind of a bad time?”

“A bad time for what?”Steven asked, unable to hide the defensiveness in his voice.

“You know…,”she started, then realizing she wasn’t going anywhere, started over, “Look, Garnet was thinking, and”-

-“What did Garnet see?”Steven interrupted. Amethyst’s eyes shifted guiltily, caught.

“Look, it’s not a big deal, I just don’t know if she’s the best thing for you right now.”

“Why is everyone so convinced they know what’s good for me?”Steven shouted, his voice rising as his skin flashed pink, “I don’t remember this level of concern when you guys literally invited Bluebird into my house and told me to give her a chance before she tried to kill me!” Amethyst scoffed, and Steven felt the familiar pinpricks of anger grow.

“Well she wasn't exactly a _threat_ ,”Amethyst mumbled, rolling her eyes. Steven reeled, fully glowing by now.

“That’s not the _point_! I told you guys I had a bad feeling about her, and you told me to brush it off! And then she hurt my _dad!_ Now when I _want_ to give a second chance to a gem who tried to kill me, you guys suddenly want me to be cautious?” Amethyst put her hands up, her expression apologetic.

“Steven, just take it easy, okay? You’re right, we should have listened to you then,”she said, making a fraction of Steven’s anger ebb, “But that’s just why we’re worried. Spinel’s not ditsy and harmless like Bluebird. She’s proved how dangerous she can be. Garnet, she…” Amethyst paused, changing her mind. “Look, you can’t help everyone, man. She’s a ticking timebomb, and we don’t want to see you get caught up in the blast.” Steven stood up. He didn’t want to hear this anymore.

“Why don’t you guys let me worry about myself and leave figuring out _my_ friend’s threat level to me, since _I’m_ the one spending time with them?”he snapped, leaving his cup on the counter and turning to head up to the staircase.

“Steven, wait, I”-

-she was answered with a slammed door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Does Steven even have a door? Well, he does now, this is fan fiction. 
> 
> The last scene was a last-minute fill in I decided to include, and now I’m genuinely bummed that we’re going back to Spinel’s POV next chapter because I would have loved to explore Steven resolving that. I’ll figure out a way to address it next time. Thank you all for your feedback, it's genuinely helpful!


	9. Spiraling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel has a bad week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the purest angst and fluff that free fanfiction can’t buy. It’s what we’re all here for.

Chapter 9: Spiraling

It was easy to ignore it when they were playing around. The telltale tightness in her throat, the feeling of gravity trying to pull her gem down to her stomach - she could push them aside if she had something to occupy herself. Playing in the water was distracting enough. Sitting and watching Steven build a sand structure when it was _right there_ with nothing else to occupy her attention? That was harder.

Spinel had to do something to distract herself. Head whirring, chest burning, she began to blindly copy Steven’s movements – pushing damp sand into heaps, anything to keep her eyes off of _her._ Pink Diamond’s gem was three feet away from her, exposed and out in the open. It didn’t matter which way it faced – Spinel would have recognized it anywhere.

She didn’t say anything to Steven, of course. Instead, she did what she did best and smiled her way through it, pushing all those convoluted feelings to the side to deal with later. It didn’t stop her from leaving that day with a heaviness in her chest that wasn’t there before, or for familiar thoughts to flit unwillingly in her head all the way back Homeworld. 

Memories already well-rehearsed from 6,000 years of trying to keep her mind occupied were starting to come up. They were always there – she lived with three living reminders of her diamond in Pink’s old house, after all. Reminders of Pink Diamond were everywhere on Homeworld – in a quarter of the architecture, in her friends’ eyes, in herself. Ironic, that all those years Spinel had spent longing for Pink, she now couldn’t be rid of her.

It was fine, though, really. She was used to constant reminders by now. Spinel had resigned herself to accept that Pink’s memory would always be a part of her, and that whatever messy feelings those memories brought was worth the happiness she had now. Spinel was nothing if not flexible, after all. She could deal with it this time just as she had learned to deal with it her first few months.

Maybe that was why she felt so shaken, seeing her gem again. She had let her guard down, become complacent and desensitized with everyday reminders, so that when she finally felt some degree of comfortability with Steven, it would hit her all the harder. The similarities weren’t obvious, but she recognized them nonetheless: the way his eyes softened around the edges, the way his mouth curved around certain words. Even his thick waves of hair were reminiscent of pink cotton candy. His stubbornness, his determination. The way that loneliness weighed on his shoulders, how sadness expertly hid behind his eyes. How beauty emanated from every little thing he touched. Little things he said that hit Spinel like a shockwave, they were _too close_ to something Pink once said.

Spinel couldn’t shake off Pink anymore at home with the Diamonds than with Steven. And she was beginning to resign herself that she would never be rid of her, no matter how much she changed.

She tried to be good. She tried to take care of herself. Stars, she knew too well how her thoughts could get muddled so fast in the swamp of painful memories and self-hatred. She distracted herself by helping Yellow with her gem reconstruction with zealous determination. She meditated with White. She spent long hours in Blue’s clouds, smiling and giggling through the small pinprick reminders that she had been another diamond’s trash.

All in all, it was just an awful week.

“Spinel, I forgot to show you! Look what I found the other day!” She was taking a walk with Pearl, who was finished with Little Homeschool classes for the day. Spinel liked Pearl a lot, and it was nice to have a familiar face other than the diamonds from the old days. Pearl had been repurposed only 1,000 years after Spinel was made, but Pink always kept her pearl close by, as was expected, so they saw each other a lot during that time, even if they didn’t talk much outside of their respective roles. But awkward as Spinel could be, she and Pearl had bonded quickly in Era 3, closer now than they had ever been as Pink’s subjects. 

“It’s embroidery,”Pearl was explaining, showing Spinel a roll of delicate pink lace that she had summoned from her gem, “I was looking for ribbon and this came out instead. Isn’t it pretty?”

“Sure is! What’s it for?”Spinel asked, reaching out to brush the end of it gingerly between her thumb and forefinger.

“The pebbles made it for Pink. She promised to modify my form when she had the time. But she forgot. Silly Pink, always so forgetful,”she giggled. _Yes, so forgetful._ Spinel frowned, reconsidering the soft lace.

“We can still use it, if you want,”Spinel suggested.

“Oh no, it’s quite alright. It was the offer itself that was sentimental. She just wanted to play dress up. You know how she is.” Yes, Spinel knew too well. Dress up, hide and seek, tag - whatever entertainment Pink could get from all her toys. _And Spinel had been one of them._

“Pearl…can I ask you something?”

“Of course, what is it?”

“Do you ever…I don’t know…get down on yourself, thinking about her?”

“You mean do I get sad that she’s gone?”she asked, touching her forefinger to her chin thoughtfully.

“No, I mean…I mean she could have protected you, and she didn’t. Do you ever beat yourself up, thinking maybe if you had done something different, she would have done something different, too?”

“Well no, I never thought of it like that. I was with her because I had to be, and she didn’t mean to hurt me. I’ve never felt sad about it, because I know she wouldn’t have felt so terribly about it afterward if she didn’t care about me.” Spinel didn’t know what to say. _Different situation different situation completely different situation_ she tried to chant to herself the rest of the day, but even Blue’s clouds couldn’t shake the frightening thought that Spinel would have at least crossed her mind if Pink cared at all. And maybe Spinel was just that forgettable, that incapable of being cared for that even a common pearl weighed more heavily on her friend’s mind than she did. 

It was impossible not to snowball from there, but the diamonds didn’t exactly help improve her mental state.

“Sweet thing, you’ve looked so despondent the last few days,”White observed, “Whatever is the matter?” From her perch on Yellow’s shoulder, Spinel groaned loudly, becoming a boneless pile of noodles.

“Oh dear,”Blue whispered in concern.

“I just can’t get out of my head lately. Spending time with Steven is so great, but lately he’s been reminding me of Pink.”

“Well, that’s a good thing isn’t it?”Blue said naively, “That’s my favorite thing about both of you.” She missed Spinel’s deepening frown, uneasy with the implication that the diamonds liked her more for her resemblance to Pink than for herself.

“It just gets me stuck in the past. I mean doesn’t all this,”she said, gesturing vaguely to the palace, “Ever bother you? Being reminded of her all the time?”

“Before Steven came along, to be sure,”Yellow answered thoughtfully, “But things are so different now.”

“The pink serves as a reminder of the wrongs we committed and that we must better ourselves in this new era,”White added with a nod. Spinel looked up at the delicate pink ornamentation fixed into the walls, considering them with a sour taste in her throat.

“And of course, she’s not really gone,”Blue said, “We still have Steven. This is all his as much as it was hers. The palace, his throne, her monuments – it’s all to honor _him_ now. And things are so much better now. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier being surrounded by reminders of her.” Spinel forced a wordless smile. A small part of her liked the idea that her home’s constant reminders of Pink were actually reminders of Steven. A bigger part felt even more alienated from her friends than ever.

It was hard not to feel like the odd gem out at the best of times, being friends to three _diamonds_. No matter the progressive attitudes of Era 3, no matter what they said to assure her otherwise, there was always the feeling of being lesser. Spinel was different. She wasn’t refined like White, or authoritative like Yellow, or graceful like Blue. She wasn’t even cute like she used to be. She was just _her_ , and that never felt enough. Her mood sinking, Spinel couldn’t help but think that she was just doomed to be outcasted – the only one who couldn’t shake off the past and just be grateful for the life she had now. She was just too different, too far away from her old, happy self, that she was beginning to question how she could ever hope to be happy again.

She was nothing. Hardly even a gem – she was just a broken, repurposed toy. A shell of her former self to fill in Pink’s place in Steven’s absence. And with Steven, who knew? He was too perfect, too beautiful and wonderful to put up with her forever. Did he just feel sorry for her? Was she just a distraction for his bigger issues? A charity case? She couldn’t imagine a possibility where she was anything but a burden to him, doomed to eventually fail just like she had failed with Pink.

If her spiraling thoughts couldn’t get any worse, the nail on the coffin hit the day she and Steven regularly met up. Spinel was pacing the courtyard distractedly where the galaxy warp sat, waiting for Steven by moving, counting the gems that walked by to distract herself. She would have to try extra hard to put on a brave face for Steven today, low as her mood was.

She must have been concentrating very hard on _not_ concentrating on darker thoughts when she suddenly crashed into the back of a standing pyrite. The iron-golden gem turned around to see who had bumped into her, as well as the two other gems she had been talking to.

“Oy, watch where you’re going, uh….” The pyrite regarded Spinel with a confused expression, openly looking her up and down with a frown. “I’m sorry, I don’t recognize your gem cut. What are you, exactly?”

That was the breaking point. Spinel stood staring blankly, paralyzed as tears of overwhelm quickly filled her eyes. The three gems shared uneasy looks with each other, uncomfortable and unsure what to do with such a brazen reaction. Spinel felt her vision swim as heat burned in her chest, hot and painful. She wasn’t recognizable. Her redeeming qualities, the little that had made her worth any value to Pink, were so far gone that not even a complete stranger could recognize her anymore. The heat was becoming unbearable, too much to sit with, the release of tears not enough to ebb its buildup. Thoughtless and barely registering what she was doing, she did the only thing that would give her any sort of relief.

She punched the pyrite square in the jaw and ran.

She ran without hearing the sounds of startled gems in the area. She ran without sight, barely able to see through the hot tears stinging her eyes. She ran until she knew she was alone, then collapsed to the floor and buried her stupid, ugly, unrecognizable face into her knees. It was too much, too much, and Spinel simply couldn’t take it anymore. The self-loathing, the insecurity, the anger was just too heavy, too lonely to bear anymore.

She didn’t know how long she sat there. She was still counting breaths, trying to calm down, her limbs tucked close to her as she failed to control the flow of tears streaming down her face. A hand gently touched her shoulder, and Spinel nearly jumped out of her form. She snapped her head up, ready to yell at the nosy gem bothering her, but stopped when she saw who it was who had found her. Steven moved his hand away, his expression apologetic. Mortified, she forgot why she was in the courtyard in the first place.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,”he explained softly, slowly kneeling down next to her. “I was looking all over for you. Someone said they saw you run off crying, and I got worried.” Spinel shook her head, pressing her head into her hands. No no no _no no_. 

“You weren’t supposed to see me like this,”Spinel mumbled into her hands, quickly wiping her tears only for more to replace them.

“It’s okay, really. There’s no need to feel embarrassed.”

“I-I’ll be fine. I just need another minute.” Steven’s expression hardened.

“Spinel. You’re not fine, and don’t you dare try to joke your way out of this one. Come on, can you tell me what happened? I want to help you.” She shook her head, her pigtails shaking with her. Steven scooted closer to her, his knees brushing her hip.

“I’m just having a really bad week. I’m sorry,”she mumbled pathetically.

“What are you even sorry for? That’s awful that you had a bad week. I wish you had come over earlier, so we could have done something to make it better.” Spinel shook her head again. Too good, Steven was too good. It made her ache so, resigned that she would inevitably lose such warmth and kindness one day to her own uselessness.

“You have more important things to worry about than me.”

“You’re the most important thing right now,”Steven urged, making her tears spill faster. Spinel lowered her knees into her kneecaps with an incoherent sob. Somehow having Steven’s eyes on her just made this a hundred times worse. He was witnessing what a mess she really was first-hand. Surely he wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like her now. She was going to lose him, after so long of hoping for his friendship, after weeks of getting to know him. The thought was unbearable, and yet she couldn’t, in her miserable state, think of any other possible alternative.

She barely registered his warmth until she was pressed against his side. Sometime in between Steven waiting for her to answer and Spinel cascading further down another spiral of self-destructive misery, Steven had pulled her closer to wrap an arm loosely around her shoulder. The action was enough to shock her system and her tears to momentarily cease. What had she been crying about? It was hard to remember when Steven had the power to make her feel so cared for and safe with just a simple gesture. Without thinking about it, Spinel instinctually leaned into the one-armed hug. She pressed her nose into his shoulder, and he let her, silently watching over her nonjudgmentally as she let the last of her tears run dry.

“Do you want to talk or do you want to just stay here?”he asked softly when her tears had stopped and she had fallen silent at last.

“Stay,”she answered, her voice muffled against the fabric of his jacket, her fingers curling around the fabric, “Please.” He probably thought her pathetic. She had made a point of assuring him she was doing better, and he finds her like this instead. She was calm enough now at least to remind herself that if Steven did end things now, at least she would still have the diamonds.

“M’sorry I ruined our hangout,”she said finally, her voice tired and weak, “This isn’t very fun.”

“Some days are like that. It’s okay. I wouldn’t have wanted you to pretend knowing you were having a bad day. Sometimes it just feels better to cry.” She could have sat up and given Steven some space, but he wasn’t moving, and she was loathe to pass up an opportunity to share his warmth when he was willing. If she was thinking more clearly, perhaps she would have appreciated his closeness more. Instead, she could only concentrate on his thumb rubbing gentle swiping motions on her shoulder.

“Do you want to talk about it?”he asked.

“Not really.” A moment of patient silence passed between them.

“…Can I ask you something instead?”Spinel asked quietly.

“Go ahead.” Spinel paused, her eyes shifting uneasily.

“…Why do you hang out with me every week?” This appeared to not be the question Steven was expecting.

“Because we’re friends?”he finally replied, as if this was obvious.

“But…you didn’t have to offer to make it a weekly routine. You didn’t have to give me another chance,” she said, her thoughts starting another repetitive tumble as her hands tightened at her sides, “Do… you just feel sorry for me? Aren’t I just some weird conduit between you and your mom?” Steven finally released her and leaned back, much to Spinel’s displeasure.

“I brought up seeing each other every week because I like spending time with you,”he said honestly, “I won’t lie - I do feel sorry for what happened to you. What Mom did was awful, and I can’t not empathize with that. But I wouldn’t spend an entire day every week for almost two months with anyone just for pity. I’m just nice to people, and if they want to get to know me, then great. You said you wanted to be friends, so now we’re friends. It’s as simple as that.”

“But it’s _not_ that simple!”she insisted, shaking her head, “How am I supposed to know if you’re not lying or going to change your mind when you’re so damn convincing? How can I believe you won’t get sick of me?”

“You can’t,”he said simply, “I learned the hard way from Garnet - you can’t know what people are going to do or feel. But the ones that want things to work out will be open to talking about it if it’s important. You can always talk to me if there’s a problem between us, Spinel.”

“What if I’m never anything like my old self again…?”she asked, tears rising up again. Steven seemed to hesitate before speaking.

“I mean…I don’t think that’s bad…?” Spinel’s eyes snapped up.

“Huh?”

“Not that I didn’t like you when you were rejuvenated and all! But I don’t know if she’s a version of you I’d want to spend every week with. I really prefer the version of you I’m getting to know now.” Spinel stared at him, suddenly struck speechless.

“What,”she finally said.

“I said I like you the way you are now. You’re smart, and funny, you really care about your friends, and you’re trying really hard – bad days aside. I’m really proud of you and I like getting to know you better. You have a way of making everything feel lighter and not so serious. I need that sometimes.” Spinel couldn’t seem to speak. Tears burned at her eyes for entirely different reasons this time, making her cheeks flush with embarrassment and her chest hurt with unexpected warmth.

“If you’re just buttering me up with a bunch of humbo-jumbo, I swear I’m going to clobber you, Steven.”

“I’m not lying!”Steven laughed, holding his hands up, “Listen, I’ve got a bad-week story to tell you, too. I promise it’s relevant, and it has a happy ending.” Spinel waited, intrigued now.

“You know how you mentioned Garnet told you that you were going to hurt me if you weren’t careful? Well, the gems weren’t too happy about the idea of us spending more time together because of it. In fact, I kind of got in a big fight with Amethyst after you left last week about it,”he said with a small, sheepish look. “Anyway, Garnet wouldn’t tell me what her vision was about, because she said there’s still too many possibilities to be sure what will happen. But they really tried hard last week to convince me it wasn’t worth the risk. And you know what I finally said?” Spinel held her breath.

“What’d you say?”she asked, her voice no louder than a whisper. Steven pulled her to her feet, his hands planted firmly on her shoulders. Spinel waited, feeling the intensity of Steven’s eyes on her.

“I said they’d have a lot more faith in you if they actually knew you and saw for themselves how much you’ve changed in the last year. And that if they could see what a year of good friends and a happy home has done to help you be the friend you always wanted to be, then they wouldn’t worry about that stuff. The more time we spend together, the more I’m convinced that you wouldn’t hurt your friends on purpose even if you tried. You have way too big of a heart than you give yourself credit for, Spinel. So that’s why I’m not worried. We can work with accidents and bad days – they’re going to happen to the best of us. But as far as I’m concerned, Garnet’s vision isn’t something we can’t handle. So I’m just not going to worry about it, because honestly? There’s more realistic things that are happening to me right now that I can worry about instead.” Spinel hadn’t stopped crying since he started talking, struck speechless.

“…How can you be sure I won’t hurt you? You don’t even know how messed up I am, Steven.”

“…Well, I don’t. But I trust you to help yourself, and to ask for help when you really need it.” Slowly Spinel shook her head, her tears making another round.

“But I did talk to them! And it just made it worse! Everyone is so much further ahead than me – they’re so _happy_ and okay with all the shit Pink put them through! I haven’t changed as much as you think I have, Steven!” For some reason, her friend didn’t look at all put off by this, and stars, it was _confusing._ His hands moved down to hold her arms instead, his smile still bewilderingly forgiving.

“Well, if the diamonds really are happy now, remember they didn’t start making changes until the last three years. That’s a whole extra two years they have ahead of you. Think of what you can look forward to with just that little time!” Spinel stared at him flummoxed, scrambling for something else to say to deter him.

“Y-you just think I’m all those nice things because I’m good at hiding it! I still freak out any time I’m alone. You don’t know that because you’re always with me, but I haven’t gotten any better.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to – that’s why I don’t leave you alone,”he countered matter-of-factly, unperturbed by her confession.

“Yeah, well…don’t even get me started on all my issues with Pink!”

“Join the club,”he said with a soft laugh.

“I’m just going to remind you of her if you keep hanging out with me!”she tried again.

“Are you trying to self-sabotage yourself?”he asked, tilting his head to the side, “You’re not going to win with that tactic. I never met my mom, so there’s nothing that can remind me of her.” Frustrated, Spinel blurted out the last thing she could think of.

“I punched a gem today and it wasn’t an accident.” This did seem to catch Steven off guard.

“Well, violence is rarely the answer, but I do have healing powers, you know, and it’s never too late to apologize. Was this a one-time thing or do you regularly punch gems?”

“…It was just today.”

“Okay, well, mistakes happen, and you’re having an off-day. We’ll apologize and you’ll try to reign it in next time.”

“S-stop having so much faith in me! I’m trying to save you the trouble!” Steven shrugged with a laugh that made Spinel’s hair bristle in irritation.

“That’s kind of my thing, you know,”he said, ignoring the indignant look on Spinel’s face, “Face it, no matter what you say, I still like hanging out with you.” In the accompanying silence Spinel realized how exhausted she was, drained from her cry and from her arduous attempts to convince Steven she was as worthless as she felt. Her tears run out, her lip merely trembled, staring at Steven’s feet as if they were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.

“You’re an idiot, then,”she mumbled, hanging her head, “…But you’re the nicest idiot I’ve ever met.” She took a deep breath, knowing if she looked up she would only see concerned brown eyes, and a frown that last week had reminded Spinel of a sadness that she hadn’t been able to appease, but now was a sadness for her and only her. She didn’t understand it, and doubted she ever would. Her eyes followed downward to the black cloth covering his gem, a lump forming in her throat. He and Pink had their similarities, but his differences were framed in such unfamiliar kindness and love, he felt like an entirely different picture. It was a completely selfless kindness, soft and unconditionally accepting, and something she didn’t know until now she had always craved.

“I don’t know why you bother with me, but…,”she sighed defeatedly, finally raising her tired, eyes to look at him, “…Damn it all, you still make me want to try. Even if I can only be a fraction as good as you think I am.”

“Any amount of happiness for my friends is all I can hope for,”he said with a smile that Spinel couldn’t look at. He finally let his hands fall back to his sides, and immediately she missed his warmth.

“You know you can come to me, too,”he reminded her, “If none of your friends here are helping, you know where I live.” Spinel nodded with a final sniff.

“Only if you let me help you, too, when you need it.” Steven grinned.

“Deal!”he said, then looking askance, continued, “Not to completely change the subject, but can I ask you something now?” Spinel wiped the last of the mess from her face with a tired laugh.

“Stars, _please_ change the subject.” Steven laughed softly.

“Do know happen to know what next week is?”

“The…third light cycle of Xylldor?”

“No, well yes. But it’s also the one-year anniversary of the day we first met.” Spinel’s eyes widened, gears turning.

“You mean…”

“It’s been a whole year since my broadcast, and since you left the garden,”Steven finished with a smile, “And a lot has happened since then! You found a new family, I founded a school. And we’re actually friends now! I thought, if you’re up to it, maybe we could celebrate with something small, like a movie night or something. You could get to know the Crystal Gems, and meet my best friend, Connie. You can even bring one of your friends, too, if that would make you feel more comfortable. Preferably one that fits in my house, though. What do you think?” She was still reeling from the idea that she had lived in Homeworld for almost a year for the question to really settle. Her insides curled with the idea of being in a room full of strangers, but Steven seemed excited at the prospect, and any close friends of Steven couldn’t be that bad, right?

“It wouldn’t be like the last party, right?”she had to ask.

“No way,”he said, pausing to count on his fingers, “My dad’s on tour, so he couldn’t come, and counting both of us and if you brought a friend… it would be nine people max. Is that doable?” It was a stretch, but if Steven had proved anything, it was that he believed in her. Squaring her shoulders, she bravely nodded.

“We can talk about it later, maybe come up with a safe word if you’re feeling overwhelmed, but I just wanted to throw it out there,”he said, then hesitated as his expression softened, “How are you feeling?”

Spinel paused for dramatic effect. Then she slowly held up her gloves.

“With my hands,”she said flatly. She was met with a long, blank stare, and then Steven burst out laughing. Spinel couldn’t help but laugh too, feeling some of the heaviness fade away with the sound of his laughter, full and loud, and very quickly becoming one of her favorite sounds in the universe.

“You must be feeling better if you’re already telling jokes,”Steven said when he had finally calmed down enough to speak, “So what do you want to do now? We can walk around if you still need to talk? Or maybe you need some quiet time?” Spinel exuded a long, exasperated sigh, wordlessly looping her arm through his with a roll of her eyes.

“As much as I don’t want to, I should probably go track down that pyrite I cobbled and apologize.” Steven grinned, following her lead back toward the main courtyard.

“That’s what I was hoping you’d want to do!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steven is really embracing his hero complex here. Will Spinel actually take Steven up on his offer to confide in him? Probably not, she’s too insecure to be vulnerable to anyone. These broken kids compliment each other’s weaknesses a little too well.
> 
> I am admittedly starting to lose motivation with this story. I’m not saying I won’t continue to try for my weekly updates, I just find myself feeling a little disappointed in the lack of conflict I built. Thank you everyone for your comments - I'm pushing through!


	10. Interventions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A well-meaning party turns into a heated discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, sorry for the wait - I forgot to mention I was going to be out of town and then this chapter got looooong - the longest yet, in fact. But I generated some conflict! *rubs hands sinisterly* And Connie and Spinel finally meet! :D Enjoy!

Chapter 10: Interventions

* * *

“You’re hosting a _what_?” Steven was standing outside the armor shop with Bismuth, Lapis and Peridot.

“An anniversary party! To celebrate it being a year since the injector incident.”

“Is that really something to celebrate?”Lapis asked, confused, “That was a really stressful time for you. Not to mention for, you know, everyone.”

“Well yeah, but so much as changed since then!”

“So…you want to celebrate how _not_ destroyed the Earth is by inviting the gem who tried to destroy the Earth?”Peridot asked to clarify.

“Yeah!”Steven exclaimed, oblivious smile on his face.

“Hmm…We were actually planning something that day, too,”Lapis said guiltily, “We were talking about doing a bi-annual Earth appreciation day. To commemorate all the gems and humans working to save Earth, and to remind gems to, you know… _not_ go around destroying the life here.” Steven didn’t miss the sarcasm in Lapis’s voice.

“The other day is set on the anniversary of Steven and I saving the world from the cluster,”Peridot added proudly.

“We were going to have a special 24-hour school day,”Bismuth continued with a frown, “Party plans aside, we couldn’t all be there at once to celebrate…whatever you’re celebrating. Everyone’s rotating a shift to cover at least two classes that day.”

“That’s okay, just come when you can,”Steven said, “It’ll be fun, I promise!” His friends didn’t look convinced.

Later the next day, Steven waited by the warp pad an hour before their usual time.

“Honeeeey, I’m hooooome!” Spinel sang as she beamed onto the warp pad. Knowing what was coming, Steven opened his arms to catch her before she could unexpectedly glomp him as she always did.

“Thanks for coming early to help set up. Connie’s on her way, too.”

“Your best friend you mentioned?”she asked, releasing him.

“That’s the one.”

“Wow, I wonder what the best friend of Steven is like,”Spinel said, seemingly to herself. She spun around, her entire body twisting twice with her while her head stayed in place, “So what’s on the docket?”

“Just a few decorations. You can help me make a music playlist. I ordered pizzas for anyone who wants to eat, and Connie wanted to try out a dessert recipe, so we can help her with that. Her mom still doesn’t keep any refined sugar in her house, so I told her she could make them here.”

“I don’t know what playlists, pizzas, or moms are, but let’s get to it!” She hopped onto Steven’s back, her legs wrapped around his middle to hang on.

“Blast off!”she commanded. Steven had to smile at her silly antics, childish as they were.

“Aye aye, captain,”he said, resigned to give her a piggy back ride down the stairs.

The gems would be teaching today for the next few hours, so Steven had the house to himself. He was grateful for this, frankly. The gems had stopped arguing whether Spinel was good for him or not, but he knew when they were being insincere to make him feel better or avoid an argument - or worse.

Steven turned at the sound of a knock at the door. Sure enough, it was Connie waving at him from behind the glass.

“Hey! I brought some paper plates – Pearl said you were out,”she said by way of greeting, her arms too full to give him a hug hello. Steven kissed her cheek instead, accepting the aforementioned item.

“Thanks! Pearl knows the kitchen better than I do, and she doesn’t even eat.”

“Speaking of which, is it just you, me, and Amethyst eating tonight? I know Amethyst can eat for at least five people, but I wasn’t sure how much we should make.”

“Garnet and Bismuth might. Spinel hasn’t tried food yet…Oh!” He had nearly forgotten. The gem in question was sitting on the couch trying to navigate Steven’s music library, seemingly absorbed with the low hum of a rock and roll song playing from the phone in her hands. “Spinel! Hey, let me introduce you!” The pink gem looked up in surprise.

“Oh, uh, hi,”she said, offering an awkward smile.

“Hey! Steven’s told me a lot about you. It’s good to officially get to meet you. I’m Connie.” Spinel looked as nervous as Steven expected she’d be, but she told him she had practiced a lot to prepare for today.

“Y-yeah, I remember. You changed form since then.” Connie looked lost for a moment.

“Oh! You mean my clothes. Yeah, I was coming from space camp last year. Long story.”

“O-oh.” Connie, ever the good sport, tried again.

“So Steven says you’re really funny.”

“He did?”she asked, glancing at Steven with some skepticism, “…I’ve only got one joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.” There was a beat of silence where even Steven was surprised that Spinel had been able to come up with something so straight-faced. His train of thought was interrupted when Connie suddenly burst out laughing next to him. Her laughter helped to ease some of Spinel’s tension once she saw she had an easier audience than expected.

“Want to hear a joke about paper?”she asked, picking up a magazine on the table, “Never mind, it’s tear-able.” Steven watched in amusement as Connie bent over laughing, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Oh my gosh, she reminds me of my dad,”she laughed, straightening up with some effort after she had calmed down, quickly adding, “I mean that in the best way! My dad has the best dad jokes.”

“I don’t know what a dad is or what he’s doing with my jokes, but glad to know Steven’s friends have a sense of humor,”she said with a grin, visibly more relaxed now.

“Okay, now that we’ve established that your friend is the comedic genius you promised, what should we do first, Steven? Do we want to put the decorations out?”

“I didn’t know they were on fire,”Spinel shot back. A beat, and then Connie was bent over again, laughing too hard to speak. Steven shot Spinel her an unamused look.

“Why don’t you save it for when everyone else gets here or we’ll never get anything done?”he said, putting a hand over her smug face. She responded by blowing a hard raspberry into his palm, snickering affectionately when he immediately snapped his hand away with a pointed glare.

With Spinel’s stretching ability, they didn’t need as much time to set up as Steven anticipated. The room was decorated with a simple banner and a few balloons, which Spinel delighted in kicking around the room. Steven had moved to the kitchen to help Connie make a modified version of a “brookie” – a layered brownie and cookie on top. Best of both worlds, Steven reasoned.

While the brownies got a head start in the oven, Spinel paused in her game of kicking balloons to stretch over to the counter, curious at all the foreign food items laid out between them.

“Can I help?”she asked.

“Sure! You want to help measure flour?”Connie offered, handing her a large mixing bowl.

“Oh sure, I’m great with flowers!”she replied proudly. Steven didn’t have time to stop her. Connie turned briefly to check on the pan in the oven, and in that second Spinel had taken the bag of flour offered to her and confidently dumped its contents into the bowl. Steven, being the closest to the counter, got the brunt of the impact. Coughing loudly against the cloud of white filling the air, Steven blinked several times before looking down at himself. Sure enough, he was covered head to toe in white dust.

“…These aren’t flowers,”Spinel said disappointedly once the dust had cleared. She was covered as well, but with a flash of light her form was renewed in an instant. Steven wasn’t so lucky.

“You look like a ghost,”Connie laughed softly, brushing some of the white from his hair, “It really did get everywhere, even your ears. Why don’t you jump in the shower and I’ll clean up here?” Steven coughed again, feeling gross, goopy flour congealing in his mouth.

“Yeah, okay. Spinel, you wait here, okay?” He wasn’t thinking, ignorantly heading toward the bathroom.

 _“Where are you going?!_ ”she shouted, terrified. Turning back, he could see the unmistakable fear in her eyes. His expression softened in understanding sympathy. That was probably not the best choice of words, he realized.

“Shoot, I’m sorry, I wasn't thinking. I need to wash off really quick, but it’s something I have to do in the bathroom alone. It’ll just take ten minutes,”he tried to explain, “You can look inside real quick and see there aren’t any exits except for the door. I promise I’ll be back out as soon as I’m done.” Spinel didn’t answer, seemingly frozen in place. Her hands came to clench at his jacket sleeves. Her eyes spiraled dangerously when she looked desperately up at him, her lips pressed together. He could practically see her mind racing, fighting every urge to stay calm. He could hear her take deep, even breaths – something White must have taught her.

“Only ten minutes?”she managed with a squeak.

“Ten minutes. You’re not alone in the house. Connie’s here and so am I. I’m just in the bathroom.”

“…What if you don’t come out?”

“I have to come out. We’re going to have fun tonight, remember? You can do this. I know you can.” He gently patted the hand that was hanging on to his jacket for dear life, motioning for her to let him go. She did so reluctantly.

“Here,”he said, suddenly thinking of something. He unlocked his phone with his password and handed it to Spinel, “Hang onto this, and I’ll come back for it. You can keep listening to music, if you want. Or, these are the phone games I have.” Spinel accepted the device with a glazed, unfocused expression. Steven took the opportunity to dart into the bathroom, determined now to take as short of a shower as possible.

As soon as the water turned off, his ears trained for any sounds of distress from behind the door. Grabbing a towel to dry off, he was surprised to hear two subdued sets of voices outside. He knew he was under a time limit, but he couldn’t help leaning closer to the door to hear better.

“I’ve known Steven for a really long time, Spinel,”he recognized Connie’s voice immediately, her soft assurances audible even behind a wall of plaster, “He’s never once broken a promise.”

“…How do you know he won’t someday?”he heard Spinel ask. He recognized the feeble wobble in her voice, small and scared.

“I don’t know that he won’t. But I know that even if he does, we’ll talk about it, and he’ll do everything in his power to make it better. That’s just who he is.” For a moment, Steven didn’t hear anything. Then, Spinel spoke.

“I gotta keep getting better, so I can be a good enough friend for Steven. But I don’t know how…I don’t really know what to say when he talks about deep stuff, and I’m such a mess still, he can’t even have fun because he’s so nice and worries about me instead. He’s got enough to deal with, so I gotta keep it together. I don’t mind toughing it out for friends. I think…I have really good ones now.”

“I think you do, too,”Connie replied softly. There was silence for a while behind the door.

“…Thanks for the game. Steven only has 48 seconds left, so I’m gonna wait now,”Spinel finally spoke up. Immediately, the boy in question bolted away from the door, frantically scrambling to get his clothes on despite still being wet. He opened the door suspiciously breathless and with still-damp hair. He found his two friends sitting on the couch facing each other. Steven’s phone forgotten by Spinel’s side, the two appeared to be playing the game Red Hands, Spinel’s palms laid face up in Connie’s. Spinel immediately whipped her head to look up at Steven when the door opened, relief spilling openly into her expression.

“Steven! You’re done!”she exclaimed, running up to hug him tight. He allowed it, catching Connie’s gaze behind them, who gave him a thumb’s up and a wink. He mouthed a quiet ‘thank you.’ Spinel dropped her voice and whispered, “Steven, I did it! I stayed calm the whole time. Connie helped.” Warmth flooded Steven’s chest looking down at her – at a gem who had fought fearlessly against her own demons for a year to reclaim ten minutes back. If only he had her bravery.

“That’s so great, Spinel,”he said, his hand coming up to rest against the top of her head. She beamed at his approval, pleased with the gesture.

“Your phone dinged while you were in there,”Connie called, breaking up the two friends. “Kiki’s on her way with pizzas.”

“Awesome! Some of the gems will be back by then,”he said, turning to Spinel, “I forgot to mention, but school’s going on all day, so not all the gems will be able to be here at once.”

“Okay!”she said, having no reason to think this wasn’t normal.

The first to return home was Garnet. Ever short of words, she greeted Spinel with a simple “Long time no see,” then looked hard at the pan cooling on the counter.

“You should set aside three pieces for yourselves. Amethyst will eat the entire tray,”she said bluntly. The two humans quickly moved to do just that.

Amethyst returned home soon after. “Sup,”she acknowledged Spinel and Connie with a casual nod in their direction, asked Steven about the pizza coming, and retreated to her room to wait for the others to arrive.

Peridot and Lapis arrived right after the pizzas did. They, at least, attempted small talk with the anxious pink gem. They reminded Spinel they had already met at the party and Spinel had to awkwardly admit she remembered very little of the event. To Steven’s relief, they didn’t make a fuss about having to reintroduce themselves.

“Hey. I’m Lapis Lazuli. Also spent thousands of years trapped alone in a dark, miserable place. Sorry for your trauma.” Steven slapped his face, struggling not to loudly groan. This was already not going well.

“And I am Peridot, although I hardly need introductions. As Steven informed us that this would be a celebratory event to commemorate your redefined relationship since the last planetary rotation, I have procured the perfect entertainment to watch for tonight’s festivities.”

“Uh…what exactly did you bring, Peridot?”Steven asked nervously. As if waiting for Steven to ask, Peridot proudly pulled out a DVD out of her gem to display for all to see. Steven’s eyes widened to see what she was holding. 

_Killer Clowns from Space_

“Okaaaay, maybe we can add that to the pile! I’ll just…put it…over here,”he tried to take the DVD, but Spinel beat him to it, stretching her arm to steal it from Peridot’s hand. She stared at the cover with an unreadable expression.

“This is hilarious,”she finally said, her face breaking out into a huge grin. Steven let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. At least Spinel could laugh at herself.

He hung back by Connie while he let Spinel mingle, pleasantly surprised at how well she was doing. Bismuth and Pearl arrived just as the sun was beginning to set, along with Volleyball. The school was taking an hour break before classes resumed.

He smiled as Spinel lit up to see her friend. Spinel didn’t hang off her arm the way that she often did with him, but it was still nice to see her more relaxed in the company of a gem her own size.

“Maybe this _was_ a good idea,”he said, daring to hope.

“Of course it was. You’re good at bringing people together,”Connie acknowledged.

“Is it weird that nobody here except me has really talked to Spinel since that day…?”

“Maybe. But you’re celebrating everything that came after,”Connie reassured him, “You’re helping people connect with each other in ways they never would have otherwise. They trust your judgement.” Steven frowned as he watched his family and friends mingle awkwardly, something heavy sitting uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach. Even though his friends clearly didn’t trust Spinel, they still grudgingly came, because they trusted Steven, and because they knew this was important to him. His eyes couldn’t help but land on Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, who sat off to the side, not bothering to try to talk to her. Anger burned within him, deep and unspoken. Something about the way their eyes always darted back to Spinel every few seconds made his skin crawl.

“Steven?!”Connie’s voice snapped him back to the present. He looked down at himself and realized that he was glowing pink again. “You’re glowing! Was it something I said?”

“No,”he said quickly, trying the breathing exercises Dr. Phillips had practiced with him before anyone could notice the slip, “I mean, kind of. I was just thinking how overly protective the gems have been lately since the incident. How you, and Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot can still come to this with an open mind and try to get to know her even if you’re worried. How the Gems don’t even trust me enough to do that. They said they’d come, but look at them. They won’t even talk to her.”

“I’m sure it has nothing to do with you. She did rejuvenate them, you know. That had to have been a scary experience for them.” Steven shook his head.

“They don’t hold grudges like that. This is about me, and them not believing I can handle myself.” Connie frowned, offering his cheek a quick kiss and his back a gentle rub.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve always believed in you, whatever you do.” Steven knew Connie meant well, but this surprisingly didn’t make him feel better. Another person putting their trust in him to always do right. Another person to disappoint if he failed.

He sighed, deciding he needed to put these unwanted feelings into better use. Pulling out a nearby spoon, he hit the counter three times to get everyone’s attention. The chatter quieted down as all eyes fell on him.

“Hi everyone. I just wanted to thank everyone for coming on a school day. I know a lot of you have to get back soon, so I wanted to say this before people have to leave. Spinel?” He reached out his hand to her with an encouraging smile. Spinel stepped forward and took it, flushing a little at the unexpected gesture. He took her hand and pulled her up with him, gently squeezing her hand and hoping that she could feel some of his encouragement from the gesture.

“A year ago today, I thought I had it all. I thought I was done growing, and that life couldn’t possibly get any better. And then I got a reality check.” He laughed nervously, but nobody joined in. “Anyway, uh, life has a funny way of making lemonade out of lemons. I wanted to invite everyone here because, even though the circumstances around that day were anything but ideal, it marked a really important beginning for a lot of change this last year. There’s nothing we can’t fix together, but there’s always new friends to make. And Spinel is a friend who was worth every stressful minute she put me through. I hope you guys get to know her better too so you can see what I mean. And I hope all of us can continue to make new friends this year - and every year! I’m glad I have.” Steven smiled at Spinel, who beamed with appreciation.

Connie quickly jumped in, offering a warm smile to the pink gem standing next to Steven. “I only just officially met you today Spinel, but I feel like I’m meeting a completely different gem than the one I saw last year. Even if it’s not Earth, I’m glad you have a new home and family, and that you’re doing so much better. Ever since I met Steven, I’ve seen him befriend so many gems and make them part of his family. Now that gems are free, it’s even more amazing to see how much is possible when people feel like they have a home and friends to turn to. You’re proof that even former enemies can change with a little bit of love, and I think that’s what Steven wanted to celebrate today….Right?” Steven nodded with a grateful smile.

“Right! Not just Spinel, but all the friends we’ve made this year, in Little Homeschool or elsewhere.” He tried not to glance too obviously at the gems for their reaction. 

Beside him, Spinel was speechless. Steven knew how she often assumed strangers thought the worst of her. He would have to thank Connie later.

“Th-thank you,”she managed to Connie.

Peridot spoke next. Steven didn’t anticipate this being an open share, but he held his breath and tentatively allowed it.

“I’m remiss to devalue the significance of character development. I am, after all, a prime example of an increased capacity for friendship and empathy,”Peridot started matter-of-factly, looking at Spinel with her chest proudly puffed out, “Spinel, I do not condone your past behavior, nor can I forget the damage caused, but I concede Steven and Connie’s point and have reached a greater understanding of why Steven has gathered us here. You are, as the humans say, alright in my book.” A tenser silence filled the room when Peridot finished. Steven didn’t know what to do with it. Neither, it seemed, did Spinel.

“Hey, better to be all right then all wrong, I always say,”she laughed nervously. The light-hearted humor she attempted to circumvent the awkwardness was almost welcome. Only Steven laughed with her.

“Haha, thanks Peridot. Anyway, who wants pizza?”

“Before I applaud to change and friendship and all that, can I ask Spinel something?”Bismuth spoke up. Steven felt his stomach flip uncomfortably as all eyes fell on Bismuth. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like her question.

“Look, I’ll be the odd gem out here – this feels weird. All the gems that come here, it’s because they believe in our message of peace and love, and want to be learn and protect the planet that fought for that principle. It’s a standard that everyone in this room has fought and sacrificed for – except you, Pinkie. No offense.”

“Oh, uh…none taken,”Volleyball said quickly, her cheeks flushing for being called out.

“So let me ask you this, Stretch. You come to this planet that the Crystal Gems spent thousands of years protecting, try to destroy it, don’t even help clean up your own mess afterward, and don’t want to live here. I’m all for giving people second chances – Steven has shown everyone in this room you can make big mistakes and still make up for them. I’ll cheer to that any day. But friends? I can't just forgive and forget that kind of willful devastation on my home until I know that you at least respect it enough not to have another go at it, even if it was once your diamond's home - who we all know you still have baggage with.”

“Whoa whoa, is this really necessary?”Steven tried to interject, “We don’t really need to turn a friendly toast into an intervention, do we?”

“I’d like an answer,”Lapis cut in. She glanced apologetically at Spinel. “I sympathize, I really do. But Bismuth is right, this is weird. Everyone in this room fought really hard to protect this planet, and most of us sacrificed a lot just to even get to a place where we believed this planet was worth protecting. But I barely know you, and it’s weird to have someone who almost ruined everything we worked for to just show up and act like nothing happened, and we just have to take Steven’s word for it that you’re not going to try and destroy our home again.”

“Well obviously she’s not going to, because everything is better now!”Steven tried to interject again, a bead of sweat forming on his temple, “We fixed it and everyone is friends now!” He threw an arm around Spinel’s shoulder as if to prove it. Beside him, Spinel looked deeply uncomfortable, taking a step to hide behind Steven.

“It’s not fixed, though,”Amethyst chimed in for the first time that evening from her spot on the couch, “You can’t just absolve everyone’s responsibility by cleaning up their messes for them and calling it good, Steven.”

“What are you talking about? Come on, we should be celebrating, not talking about this,”he said, beginning to feel the tell-tale tightness in his gut that meant he needed to start taking his deep, measured breaths. He felt like he could barely breathe, though.

“You’ve never talked about it, though, Steven,”Pearl said gently, “You’ve always jumped to befriending any gem that causes you harm, but you don’t know if they have your best intentions at heart. You can’t just ignore the risks of danger to yourself just because you want to give people a second chance.”

“Half the people in this room would literally not be here if I followed that line of logic!”he yelled, his skin flashing pink briefly and then returning to normal, “This was literally a year ago, guys, come on!”

“Dude, it’s cool if you want to highlight the good parts, but what happened was straight messed up and scary – for all of us, but especially you. You were trying to save literally everyone, and you never even talked to us about how crazy that was for you afterward,”Amethyst said gently. She wasn’t even looking at Spinel. For the first time that evening, Steven felt his defensiveness for Spinel shift. He didn’t know why he didn’t realize it sooner. The gem’s wariness, their warnings - they had nothing to do with Spinel at all. Did they think him reckless? Stupid? Unable to protect himself? Whatever it was, it made Steven fume.

“Because I never needed to talk about it, I just needed to _fix_ it!”he shouted back, his skin erupting into pink despite his best efforts to stay calm, “And I _did,_ and it doesn’t matter now, because the Earth is fine and _we’re_ fine! Maybe Spinel could be fine too if you guys would quit _badgering_ her and bringing up stuff from the past!”

“We’re not trying to upset you, Steven, it’s just…hard to not be kind of wary about all this after…,”Lapis started.

“After what? I turned into a monster? You can say it, we were all there.”

“I was going to say after we saw our home be threatened _twice_ in the last year!” Lapis’s hands immediately covered her mouth, her face wrought with guilt. For a moment, nobody spoke. Nobody asked what she meant. Even more oddly, suddenly nobody would look at Steven. A beat, and Steven realized why. She was talking about _him_. His monstrous form had been no less terrifying and threatening to the world and to his family than Spinel had been. They weren't just worried Spinel would destroy their home in another fit of rage, they were worried that _Steven_ might. Tears suddenly burned behind his eyes, ashamed and angry.

“I’m sorry, I…”Lapis tried again, , “…I’m not trying to blame you, Steven, or what happened to you, Spinel. It’s just…I almost lost my home, and then I almost lost my friend. And hearing you treating it like that was nothing, acting so normal the last two months, then inviting a former villain into your house with all the people she hurt and talking about how great it is…it’s confusing, Steven.” Hands clenched into fists as Steven tried to keep his voice even.

“You think I’m just being overly optimistic, like this is about pretending nothing happened, but I was there! I was there, for Spinel’s injector, the cluster, the zoo, Jasper’s ship, the trial, saving Lars - _everything!_ You think I don’t know about picking up the pieces after a catastrophe?!” He couldn’t help his voice rising, the pink energy simmering deep under his skin burning hotter and hotter until the room began to blur. Blinking, he barely registered that the blurriness was due to his tears.

“I don’t need to hear another word about what’s in the past. You guys are being jerks to Spinel, treating her like she’s still a villain, when _I’ve done way worse things than her!_ This is my home, too, and I don’t need your reminders about all the awful things I’ve had to do to protect it – _I live with enough reminders every day_!” In that instant, the glass pitcher on the counter cracked, and the ground beneath Steven’s feet vibrated with an ominous rumble as his eyes squeezed shut.

 _“Stop it!”_ He didn’t know who it was who spoke. Suddenly both his hands were seized. He opened his eyes slowly to see the warm brown of Connie’s eyes looking intently at him, holding his left hand tightly in both of hers. There was a familiar determination and strength in her gaze, warm and grounding, and instantly Steven felt the pink rage begin to settle, only to be replaced with shame.

His other hand was being held by Spinel. Her eyes looked more apologetic and desperate than Connie’s. The look he returned her was surely nothing if not somber and sympathetic. Her hands trembled as she held his, but slowly she straightened herself as his skin slowly returned to normal.

“C-can I say something, please?”she asked slowly, looking at the group with Steven’s right hand still clutched tightly in hers.

An icy silence fell over the room as all eyes turned back to Spinel, waiting. Steven held his breath, squeezing her hand now more for his own sake than for hers.

“Look, I know I’m just a crumb off her cob,”she said, her eyes shifting from Steven, to her shoes, to the group, “But Steven said he wanted me to meet you all, because he’s real swell at seeing good in people, even the wet socks like me. I know I don’t have any right to call any of you friends. Probably was way too optimistic on Steven’s part to hope I could be… But I like Steven’s optimism, and I like Steven, and I don’t like seeing him upset. So please don’t blame him if this is awkward – I shoulda known better than to come.” She took a shaking breath to steady herself, turning her attention to Bismuth.

“Um…to answer your earlier question…I only started spending time on Earth recently because of Steven. I still don’t really know how I feel about the idea of Pi - I mean _Rose_ , starting a revolution to liberate the Earth. …But if it led to Steven, and the life I have now, then I’m…glad. Everything’s real different from before, and I’m still trying to catch up. But I reckon if you guys love your home as much as I love mine now, you’d do anything to protect it. I…know how important that is now, and I would never want to do anything to mess that up for Steven, or his friends. M’sorry I almost destroyed your homes.” She lowered her eyes to the floor as she finished, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

“Um…that’s all, folks! I’ll just split,] stage left,”she said with a shallow, nervous laugh, quickly adding, “Pleasedon’tupsetStevenanymore.”

“Hold up, stretch,”Bismuth said, stepping closer to the tense gem. Bismuth physically towered over Spinel, who bent unnaturally backward. “Don’t think weird doesn’t mean I can’t still see the original point in all this. I never said anything about not being friends, just that I didn’t know if I could until I knew what you stood for. I asked you to answer my question and you did. Crystal Gems stick up for their friends. What you just did? I respect that.” Spinel tentatively glanced up at the giantess, her posture remaining tense even as a figment of hope seeped into her expression. To her surprise, Bismuth lightly punched her shoulder, a gesture unmistakably friendly even amidst the tension still in the room. Steven watched a small smile appear on Spinel’s face, shy and pleased.

“I too appreciate the clarification,”Peridot stated, folding her arms across her chest, “You appear to have acquired an adequate amount of perspective learned from the past year. Having had minimal material to reference beforehand, I can now safely conclude that you may have cause to value life here on Earth after all.”

“Yeah, we’re cool,”Lapis added unceremoniously, holding her arm, “…But the apology helps.”

Steven turned to Spinel fully, his mind reeling from the turn of events. He felt angry, ripped raw, defensive, but none of that mattered because Spinel _had_ to be doing far worse than him. She looked back at him with a wobbly smile. He wished he could tell her how sorry he was that his friends had ganged up on her like that, that he didn’t mean for this to turn into something other than a fun night for her. But there was something he needed to do first.

“Stay with Connie and Volleyball. I need to talk to my family for a sec,”he whispered, low enough that only she could hear. She responded with a small nod.

Spinel’s apology seemed to be what the room needed. The tension was beginning to ease up as Steven approached the gems on the couch who had been mostly quiet throughout the entire exchange. The others were preoccupied, approaching Spinel to apologize and reassure her they didn’t mean to make her feel outcasted. He could hear the sound of their laughter behind him, and he knew Spinel was already joking it off. He wished he could be as fortunate.

“We need to talk,”Steven said to the three members of his gem family. They nodded their agreement, unsurprised, and followed Steven outside. As soon as he closed the front door, he squared his shoulders and turned to the three.

“I’m not going to get into an argument with you guys after all that. But I need to say something,”he began, his expression serious, “I don’t trust myself with my own decisions at the best of times anymore, but I will _never_ regret helping someone in need. Nobody deserves the hell that Spinel’s been through, no matter what they’ve done or how much you don’t like her. If you guys can’t respect me, I need you to at least respect her. If you can’t do that, then you need to not be in the house for the rest of the night.”

“We never intended to make you feel we didn’t respect your decisions, Steven,”Garnet said, for the first time that evening, “But you must understand how worried even I can feel when you bend so willingly to the needs of others without a thought for yourself. You have such a big heart, and we love you for that. We just don’t want to see you hurt for it.” Steven’s expression softened.

“I get it, but the more you guys doubt the choices I do make for myself, the more I feel like every decision I make is a bad one. Especially when it comes from you, Garnet. I don’t feel like you guys trust me anymore.”

“We do trust you, Steven,”Amethyst added quietly, “Or at least… we want to.”

“It’s just hard to not question the timing of you spending more time with Spinel after…so many _other_ events had just happened,”Pearl said.

“This isn’t just some reckless impulse decision I made. It’s something I’m actually happy about. I want Spinel to be okay, and it hurts how actively against that you guys are,”he said determinedly.

“Steven, we were never against Spinel being happy. We’re glad she’s doing better. We just… didn’t want you fixating on what’s best for her instead of what’s best for you,”Pearl said, concerned, “You’ve put yourself in the line of fire so many times to protect those you care for, and I’ve seen you so often blame yourself instead of _us_ for not protecting you well enough. I don’t – _we_ don’t - want to see you be another human shield, especially for someone who needs one. We want to _protect you_ this time.” Steven’s expression softened.

“I know you guys love me, but I can take care of myself. I don’t need your worry. I just need your trust. If you can’t manage that, some civility is all I ask for.” Nobody said anything for a moment. Steven looked at them with unwavering eyes. Then Garnet moved, dropping a knee and placing a hand on his shoulder so that she was eye-level with Steven.

“I trust you, Steven,”she was the first to say, “And you are right. Someone suffering that much deserves kindness and love, not judgment. You care for your friend, and we’ve been cold to her. I’m sorry for that.” Steven released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

Amethyst was the next to give in, uttering an exasperated sigh, “Fine, I’ll go in there and play a board game with her or whatever." Pearl was quiet.

“We're here, Steven. For whatever you need,”she finally said.

“Thanks.” With a relieved sigh, Steven turned around to see Spinel watching intently through the glass from the kitchen. He opened the door and she was immediately there, hanging on to his arm as if afraid he would disappear if she let go.

“Pearl has to go back to class soon. Don’t leave again, please?”she whispered.

“I won’t. I’m sorry for all this. You’re doing great. We can just forget that little hiccup and have fun the rest of the night, okay?” She nodded tensely, unconvinced.

“Maybe I should just scram…”

“Yo, Spins! You tried food yet?”Steven heard Amethyst call, shutting the front door behind her. She stood with both hands nonchalantly behind her head, regarding Spinel with a cool expression. Spinel seemed to pause, surprised that the purple gem was addressing her so directly when they had barely spoken.

“Oh, um, no. Steven was going to show me.”

“Puh-lease, Steven eats cuz he _has_ to. Lemme show you how to eat like you actually _like_ it.” She beckoned Spinel to join her at the kitchen counter, pulling the tray of brookie’s toward her with a suggestive wink. Spinel reluctantly let go of Steven’s arm to join her, and Steven didn’t bother wasting his breath asking Amethyst not to eat the whole pan.

With Connie helping to set up a game of cards everyone could play before the next night class could start, Steven protectively took a seat next to Spinel at the counter, his head spinning as he watched old and new friends awkwardly and clumsily attempt to connect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the same day - not our usual jump to a week later. Luckily I've written a good chunk of it already. 
> 
> I want all my readers to know that I bookmarked "100 best dad jokes" and "30s and 40s slang" because of this fic. 
> 
> Leave feedback if you can! I don't really know if Steven's inner conflict is making much sense - it's a lot more layered than Spinel's. You can follow me at ladylore97.tumblr.com for chapter updates or if you just like meeting people in the SU fandom.


	11. Happy Anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! I had a lot of this pre-written, and I had to throw out almost all of it to cut down the length (again). Since it was a rather long deleted scene with lots of fluff, I posted it on my Tumblr and will include the link on the bottom. 
> 
> I promise lots of fluffy, teeth-rotting sweetness this chapter. :)

Chapter 11: Happy Anniversary

The rest of the night was comparatively calmer. Spinel was on edge, carrying a familiar sense of alienation and paranoia that she was distinctly unwanted. She worried over the tension in Steven’s face he carried all night, even as he socialized amiably with forced smiles. Spinel should have apologized before all this, she should have stopped them sooner. It was her fault his friends confronted him like that, she told herself. Her fault that he was upset, that now his friends were guilted into having to spend the rest of the night with “a former villain.” She wanted to hide, but she had to pull it together. The best thing she could do for Steven now was assure him that everything was fine now. It didn’t matter if behind her plastic smile, she felt ready to run or brawl. It didn’t matter if thoughts of being the most unwanted gem in the room were clouding her mind like a hive. She had to keep the performance going. Steven was watching, and after all he had done to put this together and defend her to his friends, she had to do this for him.

Spinel had never met a human before, but she liked Connie more than she thought she would. The human was kind and thoughtful like Steven, and ironically Spinel felt more comfortable around her than any of the other gems in the house. The human had no reason to be so nice to her, yet was the quickest to include Spinel in any conversation and the first to laugh at her tense, nervous jokes. When Lapis suggested a board game, Spinel gravitated toward a spot sandwiched in between Connie and Steven - the only place she felt remotely safe and calm tonight.

Just as the board game ended, Pearl and Peridot returned and Bismuth and Garnet bid the party a temporary farewell. Peridot was eager to start the movie, ushering the end of their game.

“Are you _sure_ this is the one you want to watch?”he asked Spinel for the third time, “I have a bunch that might be better for your first movie…” Peridot peered into the box Steven had set aside for the night.

“These are all animation!”she exclaimed accusingly, “What do you think we are? Poorly drawn cartoons?” Next to her, Spinel perfectly imitated a drum rimshot.

After multiple assurances and a few quips from Peridot, Steven relented. Connie ran downstairs to make popcorn, and Spinel saved her a seat nearby. She hadn’t been able to fully calm down ever since Steven’s shower, but hugging one of Steven’s pillows during the game had been admittedly helpful. Her face remained half-buried in said pillow into the start of the movie.

Spinel did her best to follow along, her mind spinning with all the human culture-related questions she was saving to ask Steven or Connie later. One question, though, she couldn’t help but ask right away.

“Hey Steven. Why are they kissing each other’s face like that?”she whispered. He swallowed his current mouthful of popcorn before answering.

“That’s just what humans do when they have romantic feelings for each other,”he explained simply, offering her another piece. She declined. Food was fun, but popcorn was a bumpy ride down she quickly discovered she didn’t care for. Amethyst, on the other hand, was on her third bag.

Her eyes couldn’t help but travel back to Steven throughout the movie, wondering at what he had said. She tried to imagine what it would be like kissing Steven’s lips. She watched with renewed interest whenever a character on screen would do it, trying to pinpoint exactly what ‘romantic feelings’ looked like in humans, since Blue and Yellow seemed so convinced she had them herself. Odd as it looked, it seemed like something the humans enjoyed. Unable to figure it out, she tried unsuccessfully to engross herself in the movie. She was frequently distracted instead by the artificial light dancing in the reflection of Steven’s eyes, a familiar unnamed warmth swelling somewhere deep within her at the sight.

The movie ended and Spinel only got to ask two human culture questions she had been saving before Peridot engrossed the group in a heated debate about the technicalities of clown warfare on other alien species. The discussion got so heated, Peridot and Lapis didn’t even realize they were late to teach their next night class until Garnet and Bismuth walked in on Connie loudly arguing with Peridot with a pillow in hand, and Lapis holding drawn diagrams over Steven’s head. Spinel was playing commentator and Pearl was trying and failing to get everyone to take turns speaking.

“What on earth happened while we were gone?”Bismuth asked, shaking her head. With the last rotation of the night, Amethyst, Peridot, and Lapis left for their next class. Before heading for the warp, Lapis briefly put a hand on Spinel’s shoulder.

“Sorry again for the drama earlier. Glad you’re on our side now,”she whispered to her. Spinel offered a weak smile, but the apology did little to quelch her fears.

“Spinel,”Garnet called to her when the group had settled in for another board game. She gestured for the pink gem to follow her outside. Spinel cast Steven an uneasy look before standing and following Garnet outside to the balcony. She couldn’t imagine what the fusion would want to talk to her alone about.

“Yeah?”she asked nervously, closing the screen door behind her. The fusion carried a power and strength to her that intimidated Spinel in a way she couldn’t describe. The smaller gem found it difficult to meet the fusion’s eyes.

“I thought you needed a break.” Spinel tilted her head to the side.

“Huh?”

“Your hands are shaking. You’ve been holding onto that pillow so tightly it’s liable to pop.” Spinel looked down, as if just noticing that her hands were indeed trembling – certainly not enough that anyone would notice, though. By Spinel’s standards, a mental breakdown was still a ways off.

“Just jitter-bugging with that gaming spirit, is all!”she said with a tired, practiced smile.

“I don’t really care for parties, either. Come watch the waves with me.” With no room to argue, Spinel tentatively approached the railing, looking out at the inky black sky, carrying with it the taste of salt and sand that Spinel had come to associate with Earth.

“I haven’t been fair to you,”Garnet stated simply. It wasn’t a question.

“You mean you cheated at Candyland?”Spinel asked, “I mean we all figured.”

“No. I mean I’ve been judgmental. I’ve spent so much time checking Steven’s future, worrying over his safety and well-being, I never bothered to look at yours. I never appreciated how hard you fight to not act on your emotions. I’ve been looking all night, amazed at all the opportunities available to fail, yet you don’t.”

“Well, the night’s still young,”she said sarcastically with a soft laugh.

“The future is never certain. The more predictable and repetitive one’s behavior is, the more likely they are to continue that behavior,”Garnet explained, still looking out, “You’re very predictable. You shut down or lash out when you’re overwhelmed. You live in constant fear, and you expel an exorbitant amount of energy hiding it so that others won’t take advantage of you. Even now, I see at least eight possible futures where if you had continued the board game inside, you would have run and hid in the bathroom, and at least three where you would have started a fight.” Spinel didn’t know what to say, struck dumb at being so blatantly called out. Her grip around the railing tightened.

“You should know that there is no future where Steven is angry or upset with you for talking about your feelings instead of acting on them.” This did get a reaction out of Spinel. Steven, unbothered by Spinel burdening him with the chaos in her head? Not even a little resentful that his mother’s unwanted, forgotten trash was wasting his time, convincing him she was a work in progress when she was secretly an even more disappointing wreck than he could possibly imagine? Spinel had never responded so quickly.

“I don’t believe you.” Garnet nodded, unsurprised.

“I also stand by what I said to you on the beach. Whether small or big, intentional or not, there’s still not a future where you don’t hurt him in some way.” Spinel lowered her head, silent. Her chest suddenly felt heavy, her throat constricted, eyes unexplainably misty. She knew, but had still hoped, like the fool that she was, that the verdict might change. The thought of hurting Steven – her dearest friend, her bravest ally – made her want to poof and disappear forever. She simply couldn’t bear the thought.

“…I can see how much this upsets you, how much you care for him. I don’t need future vision to see that Steven cares for you as well,”Garnet said, “You can’t change a future you don’t have the insight or tools to face. Tell me what you do to calm yourself when fear becomes unbearable.” Spinel quickly wiped her eyes, grateful for a distraction from the horrible thought of harming Steven.

“White taught me how to meditate. We practice together every day,”she explained, “I breathe and count breaths. Otherwise I’ll just try to distract myself.” She paused, considering something. “…Connie helped me earlier, when Steven had to shower. She taught me I can focus on other sights and sounds instead of my thoughts. I listened to the water running. And then she helped distract me with a game.” Garnet nodded with a smile.

“Excellent. You can use that even when you’re calm to practice. Refocusing on something other than your thoughts can give you enough time to restart and even return to those thoughts with a clearer mindset.” Spinel nodded, listening intently.

“Don’t underestimate the power of simple affirmations, either. You have the power to give yourself the reassurance you need to hear, even if you don’t believe it right then. Try with me,”she instructed, lacing her fingers together and inhaling deeply. Spinel copied her, obediently placing her folded hands over her middle.

“I am safe,”Garnet breathed on her first exhale, “Now you.”

She breathed out. “I am safe.”

“I am loved.” Spinel paused at this one, then followed suite.

“…I am loved.”

“I am here.”

“I am here.”

“Tell me how you feel now.” Spinel paused to internally check herself.

“…Calmer,”she said, her eyes widening in surprise. Garnet smiled and nodded.

“Use your own when needed. Breathe. You’ll be fine,”she said simply, nodding toward the screen door, “You’re ready to go back in, if you want. Steven just finished his turn.” Spinel couldn’t help but stare, looking up at the fusion with half a dozen questions on her tongue, but she couldn’t find her voice to ask them. Why Garnet had brought her out here just to give her a break from the party and teach her a new coping skill, Spinel couldn’t fathom. She couldn’t imagine being worth the trouble, much less all the inconvenience and worry she had caused. Steven said his family had been really worried about Garnet’s vision. Shouldn’t Garnet be angry or distrustful of her instead? She opened her mouth, but there wasn’t a question that felt worth the fusion’s time after all she had already given, so she closed it, and silently went back inside.

“I rolled for you,”Steven said as Spinel resumed her seat next to him, “What’d Garnet want?”

“Nothing,”she lied, “Whoa, Connie really took the lead while I was out!” She could feel Steven staring worriedly at her, but she kept her gaze focused on the board in front of her, not giving him any wiggle room to worry about her. He had suffered enough tonight – she wasn’t worth fretting over, too.

The party seemed to wind down around ten. Little Homeschool had a stargazing and Earth-style camping event planned for the night hours, and those that remained appeared anxious to head out and get ready. Spinel was admittedly grateful to have some quiet time with Steven to herself once everyone left.

Pearl bid the group goodnight, excitedly running off to Garnet about her lesson plans for her next astrology class on her way upstairs. Bismuth waved once in Spinel’s direction before following them.

“See you in class someday, Stretch?”

“Maybe?”Spinel smiled nervously.

“You better work on that ‘maybe’, Steven,”Bismuth said with a finger in the hybrid’s direction, “This one’s tougher than I took her for. She’s welcome in my class any day.” Both of them smiled at that, waving Bismuth goodbye.

That left just Spinel, Steven, and Connie.

“Phew,”Steven sighed, falling back on a pile of pillows, “That was…something.”

“At least it ended on a high note,”Connie acknowledged with a sigh that matched Steven’s, “I could tell you’ve been tense all night.”

“Ugh, is it that obvious?”he whined, leaning his head back, “I just can’t stop thinking about earlier. They made it weird when it didn’t have to be. I can’t believe they would just bring all that stuff up right in front of everyone!”

“You’re probably going to get blasted with a bunch of apologies later,”Connie acknowledged.

“Well, I think we kind of deserve them! Spinel especially!” Spinel glanced nervously between them.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t take offense. They just wanted to know I really was better for themselves. They didn’t need to bring you into it, though,”Spinel said quietly. Her assurance didn’t seem to do much for Steven. The boy groaned as he dug the heel of his palm into his face.

“…Are you okay, Steven?”Connie asked, concern written on her face. The boy in question sighed heavily once more and glared at the ceiling

“Yeah, I just…wish people didn’t have to see me like that…”

“ _That’s_ what you’re worried about?”Connie asked, “Steven, if I glowed when I’m angry, I would have been glowing along with you! It put pressure on you that you didn’t need to make everyone get along when it should have just been common decency. You had every right to feel mad.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,”he said quickly, “It’s over, it happened. Spinel, did you at least have fun afterward?”

“Y-yeah, of course.”

“Good. That’s all that matters.” Spinel noticed Connie give him a hard, disapproving look. Then suddenly her Earth-communication device lit up, pulling her attention.

“That’s my mom, she’s waiting outside.”

“Okay. Tell her thanks for letting you stay late. Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe.”

“Will do.” Connie hugged Steven goodbye, whispering something to him out of earshot. “Love you,” Spinel heard them both whisper to each other. She didn’t think anything of it – she said the same thing to the diamonds on a regular basis.

“Can I hug you goodbye, too, or would that be weird?”Connie asked Spinel. Spinel beamed, delighted to be included.

“No way, I love hugs!” The human smiled and leaned down to do just so.

“It was really nice to meet you. Hang in there.”

“Awful set up. You know there’s nothing in here to hang from in here.” Connie giggled, waving them both goodbye one last time before heading downstairs. Spinel smiled as she watched her go. She would never admit it out loud, but if all humans were as nice as Connie and Steven were, then she may be able to understand why Pink would have raised hell and caused the diamonds such grief to protect them.

With the party finally cleared out, Spinel sighed, falling into a boneless pile of noodles on the exhale. Steven peered over her with an amused smile.

“Hey. What’s up?” Spinel cracked one eye open.

“…The ceiling.”

“That must not have completely overwhelming if you’re still able to crack jokes.” She retracted her limbs to lie on the floor at normal proportions.

“Nah, that was fun, after all the hubbub anyway. Just thinkin.”

“About what?”

“About stuff I don’t have a witty line for.” Steven tilted his head to the side.

“Not everything _has_ to be funny, you know.”

“In this economy? You clearly don’t know the going rates for clowns these days.” Steven shifted so he was sitting closer to her, half sunk in the leftover blankets and pillows.

“Was that really not too much for you or were you just downplaying the bad parts?”

“…It was a lot, but you know me. I’m flexible,”she said quietly, lazily stretching out her foot an extra meter for an added visual gag. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment.

“I know you said you don’t want to talk about it, but…I never thanked you,”Spinel finally said, glancing over at him, “…For sticking up for me. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Of course I did,”he responded without hesitation.

“You don’t have to be mad at your friends for my sake, you know. Everything they said about me was true. I wasn’t mad at them for wanting some insurance. I mean, if someone seriously tried to hurt the diamonds, it would take me a lot longer than a year to forgive them,”she said, “…It was nice, though, doing this at your house. I knew even if they really tried to kick me out of the party, you wouldn’t let them.”

“You should never even have had to feel afraid of that.” There was something biting to his tone that Spinel didn’t recognize, something genuinely angry. Slowly she turned so that she was lying on her side.

“…Can I ask you something?”Spinel asked.

“If it’s ‘do you want to hear a joke,’ you know the answer is always yes, no matter how many times I roll my eyes at you.”

“Fresh out this time,”she answered with a small smile.

“Oh fine.” Spinel hesitated.

“I didn’t know you were still turning pink like…regularly.” Steven glanced away, suddenly suspiciously interested in the floor.

“Oh…I’m not. Just…sometimes… when I’m mad.”

“Do you get mad a lot?”she asked, “I don’t see you turn pink a lot when we’re together.”

“That’s because you mostly just make me happy.” Spinel couldn’t help her face flush and her chest warm at this. For a moment she couldn’t speak, feeling as if a surge of happiness had just restarted her gem. _He means you make him laugh, idiot,_ _don’t read into it,_ she tried to tell herself to calm down.

“…Will you tell me more? About getting mad, and turning pink?” Steven was quiet for a moment, finally answering just as Spinel was beginning to think he didn’t hear her.

“It’s really not a big deal.”

“…Does it have something to do with why you turned into a monster?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to talk about it,”he answered quickly.

“Okay…it’s just you’re always saying and doing nice things for me, and I wanna help you sometimes, too,”she replied, “If you ever wanna talk, I can listen and be not funny sometimes, y’know. At least, I would for you.”

“Thanks. I know you can. Just…it’s a loaded question for tonight. Maybe another time,”he said, earning a disappointed frown from Spinel. “Can I ask you something instead?” Spinel didn’t miss the way he quickly changed the subject, but she didn’t say anything.

“Sure.”

“I know you said you’re really happy now, and that the last year comparatively has been really good for you. But do you miss anything from your old life? Or even from the garden?” Spinel thought a moment.

“Of course I miss my best friend. I sometimes miss the naivety of thinking you know people and have it all figured out. I miss feeling like I had a place I belonged where I just…fit,”she admitted quietly, “…I wasted enough time in the garden to not necessarily miss it, but…sometimes I look at stars now and think of all the constellations I memorized, and hundreds of stories I would come up with about them to entertain myself. You can’t see any of the garden’s stars from Homeworld. It’s kind of sad, you know? Those stories I told myself are just going to be another thing that gets left and forgotten there.”

“You can tell me some of your stories, and I’ll remember them.” Spinel smiled affectionately at the boy next to her, a warmth she had come to associate with Steven’s kindness pooling behind her gem.

“That’s okay…I have this star,”she said, gently poking at his shirt, “And he’s…” _The most perfect, beautiful star I’ve ever seen_ , she almost said out loud. She shook the thought off, realizing how odd that would sound. “…He’s my favorite,”she finished instead. He stared at her, seeming to be thinking very hard about something.

“I have something for you,”he finally decided, sitting up and reaching underneath his bed, “I was kind of debating whether to actually give it to you. It’s really bad. Like, really, really, _really_ bad. I’ve only gone to three of Bismuth’s classes and I have no idea what I’m doing.” He pulled out a box from under the bed and presented it to her, his cheeks stained with an adorable pink flush that momentarily distracted Spinel from what was in his hand.

“It’s…a cube.”

“No,”Steven laughed, “It’s a box. Open it.” Spinel did just that, pulling the lid off to peer inside. She pulled out a small cylindrical device with a button on the side. Recognition lit up her face as she pressed the button unprompted. Sure enough, the device stretched to unfold into…well, she knew it was _supposed_ to be a scythe. A short disbelieving laugh escaped her throat as tears unexpectedly rose to her eyes. It was…okay, yeah, it _was_ really bad. Shorter and less graceful than the rejuvenator had been, the blade was poorly tempered and unevenly sharpened. The handle looked like as if it might fall off at any moment. But what really caught her eye was the junction where the rejuvenator’s power source used to be. Steven had instead attached the blades with an upside-down heart.

“I’ll keep practicing and give you a better version when I have one,”he said quickly by way of explanation.

“Don’t you dare!”Spinel said immediately, holding her gift protectively close to her gem, “ _I love it_.”

“I know it’s not much of a replacement, but I did break yours. Sorry about that, by the way,”he said with a small chuckle. Spinel shook her head, barely able to see him through the wetness in her eyes. “All things considered, there’s no one I’d trust more with a weapon in her hands.” Garnet’s words spun in Spinel’s head, making her tears only rise faster. _Steven trusted her._ He trusted her, even when he knew she would hurt him someday. He trusted her to defy the will of destiny itself, spitting in its face and handing her a weapon just to spite it. If she wasn’t crying, she would have laughed at the irony. Her grip around the handle tightened, silently praying for the strength that Steven believed she already had.

“Youcanbarelycountthisasaweapon but it doesn’t matter,”she laughed, wiping her eyes before the tears could fall, “I don’t even know what to say…” He smiled softly.

“Happy anniversary, Spinel.” She blinked up at him through her tears, for the first time that night feeling like some of the persistent dread of feeling like an unwanted burden was lifted. Steven had that power – to make even the deepest seeds of self-loathing and worthlessness somehow disappear. How could she even begin to tell him how much he meant to her, how much she would never be able to repay the gift of kindness and hope he had given her a year ago today? How could she start to tell him how much it meant that he was her friend, that he would waste so much time on someone like her when so much of her had been wasted by time itself? Her head swarmed with everything that had happened that night alone: Steven celebrating her, defending her, taking time to make her a gift. Spinel wasn’t worth this amount of effort after all she had almost done to him. There weren’t words enough to describe how much it meant that he freely offered her his kindness regardless, as if by his conviction alone he could pronounce her worthy of love again.

For a moment she questioned whether what she wanted to do was considered acceptable to humans. Then, deciding she didn’t care, she leaned forward, one hand on his shoulder and the other balancing herself on the floor next to the scythe. Her lips brushed pressed against his cheek in the gentlest of kisses. Her forehead touched his as she parted, her hand moving up to cup his cheek tenderly in her hand.

“ _Thank you,”_ she whispered. Could he feel the love emanating from her, the sheer magnitude of adoration she felt for him? She wished there was something more she could do to make him know how much she meant it. Her hand slowly came up to hold the other side of his face, the tears she had been holding back finally breaking free and slipping silently down her already marked cheeks. Awkwardness be damned, she owed her entire life to this boy.

“Thank you, Steven,”she whispered again – over and over, never enough - tears of gratitude tracing old marks of grief. _Thank you thank you thank you._ Arms slowly came around her, pulling her into their already closely shared space. She folded around him gratefully, sinking into his strong embrace with a contented sniff and sigh.

“You’re welcome,”he whispered back, his breath warm against her neck. They didn’t move for a long time. Spinel closed her eyes and let herself be rocked by the gentle rise and fall of his chest, like the wave that he was – strong and unyielding, beautiful and soothing. For once she didn’t mind staying still.

“…Spinel. I’m falling asleep,”the quiet cadence of his voice mumbled next to her ear. She hadn’t let go for over ten minutes, and she still didn’t want to.

“Stay,”she pleaded, keeping her voice low so as not to disturb the stillness between them. She just wanted to keep him there. He seemed to struggle to come up with a response.

“I have to. Humans need to sleep for about eight hours a day every night to recharge.” Spinel hummed against his shoulder, trying to wrap her mind around such a concept. Eight hours, every night? What a strange species.

“You can spend the night if you want,”he offered with a sleepy yawn, “I won’t be doing much, though. Or if you get bored you can take the pad upstairs back to Homeworld.” Spinel was loathe to leave Steven’s side for a second.

“I want to stay with you.” He nodded, seemingly too tired to do much else.

“Kay. I’m going to get into bed now. You can use the pillows and blankets down here and sleep, too, if you want.” Grudgingly, Spinel slowly released him and watched him drag himself into the bed next to them. He appeared too tired to change, simply tugging off his jacket and kicking off his sandals.

She laid her head on the pillow the way he did, curling her body toward Steven as she watched the lump under the covers shift.

“You okay down there?” Spinel nodded.

“Kay. Thanks for today, Spinel. I’m going to go to sleep now. If you can’t or you don’t want to, you’re welcome to get up and do whatever you want. Just try to be quiet if you can. Night, Spinel.”

“Good night…” He reached over to turn off his lamp, and suddenly the room was plunged into darkness. She listened intently, curiously waiting for a sign that would tell her what to expect from sleeping. She found it when Steven’s breathing began to even out and he had stopped moving as much. Spinel let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, realizing it was her turn. Closing her eyes, she tried to get comfortable. The room was dark, like the garden had been, but she wasn’t alone. In fact, strangely, she never felt safer in dark silence before.

The hypnotic sound of even breathing was the only noise permeating the otherwise perfect quiet. Spinel couldn’t help but close her eyes and savor the sound - soothing, repetitive, grounding.

Except she knew she couldn’t sleep even if she tried. Her senses felt on fire. Her thumb stroked the fabric of the pillow, attempting to calm herself with the simple grounding gesture. Steven’s warmth and scent lingered everywhere, burning its imprint in her memory. She couldn’t get him out of her mind.

Quietly, she dared to get up from her pile of blankets and sit at the edge of Steven's bed. His eyes remained closed, blissfully asleep. She was light enough that even shifting so she was fully sitting on the bed next to him didn’t jostle him awake. With eyes already practiced to seeing in the dark, she watched him sleep, entranced by the stillness and peace present on his face. As she sat, she couldn’t help but think back to the last year, wondering how she could have possibly gotten to this point. How, after she tried to kill him, showed her most ugly, embarrassing past to him, tried to kill him a second time, and procrastinated almost a year to apologize for it, did she get to be friends with someone who cared so deeply for others, when the diamond Spinel was made for hadn’t cared about her? She didn’t know, but one thing was for sure: Steven’s hope in her was the closest thing Spinel had of having hope for herself in a long time.

Spinel smiled softly as she leaned over Steven’s sleeping form, better to admire the face she found so handsome. His expression, so calm and peaceful as he slept. Soft black curls pressed against the pillow. Nostrils gently flaring with each quiet, even exhale. His skin, so unlike gem’s firmer, smoother exterior but unmistakably warm and soft. Spinel couldn’t help but allow the backs of her fingers to gently graze against a plump cheek, savoring the unique softness of a half-human’s skin with attentive curiosity that she had never allowed herself before. He was beautiful, inside and out, and she -

She loved him. Her hands trembled with the weight of that sentence, new and so undeniably true. She loved him with her entire being, with every ounce of love her wasted heart had to give. She whispered it aloud, letting the sentence hang in the air with no one awake to hear it, every particle in her form vibrating to accept it. She was in love with Steven Universe. A hand flew up to her mouth to suppress the laughter begging to escape, tears filling her eyes in their stead. She loved him. _She loved him._

Her fingers slowly trailed down to touch soft lips, lightly parted and warm to the touch. Her eyes lingered there, wondering at what Steven had told her earlier that night.

She didn’t need to wonder anymore. Sure-hearted, she carefully leaned over and made a silent promise to cherish him with every ounce of love she had to give, sealing her promise with a feather-light kiss to his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deleted scene of Spinel having a nightmare and Steven comforting her after a panic attack: https://ladylore97.tumblr.com/post/642891261715578880/su-ff-deleted-scene-making-amends-chapter-11
> 
> Fanart I made of the cheek kiss that definitely crosses the line into a more romantic territory hehe: https://ladylore97.tumblr.com/post/642893761925513216/okay-i-didnt-get-any-negative-feedback-from-my
> 
> Next chapter might be late because I still haven't decided whether to include a certain scene I've been itching to write that might be bad timing, or just wait on it. I've been trying to decide this for weeks, so now that we're already on chapter 11, it's time to actually make a decision haha. Your feedback is most appreciated! Regardless what I decide, next chapter will be Steven-centered and take place the morning after.


	12. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel is a flirt and Steven is a wreck. One of the two is addressed ;)

Chapter 12: The Morning After

* * *

When Steven opened his eyes the next morning, the first thing he noticed was that he was not alone in his bed. Blinking twice, he waited for his tired, bleary eyes to focus on the pink in front of him. Spinel was asleep next to him, her body laid as closely pressed against his body as the covers over him would allow. Immediately he was wide awake.

For a moment he considered waking her up. After all, this was hardly appropriate. He wondered if he should text Connie later – he didn’t want her thinking he was complicit about sharing his bed, or worse – that he was cheating this early on in their relationship.

But he paused as he looked at his sleeping friend. Completely tranquil and relaxed, he realized he had never seen Spinel look so peaceful. He couldn’t help but take the opportunity to study her, trying to figure out why the gem sleeping so contently next to him suddenly felt like a stranger right then.

 _She doesn’t look scared_ , he realized. The thought made his stomach churn unpleasantly and his skin warm. His friend hadn’t had a moment of rest in over 6,000 years. And even when she was finally free from her horrible game, she still couldn’t let her guard down, ever afraid that she would be tricked again if she became complicit.

At least in sleep, she could relax. She didn’t have to routinely check his reaction like he caught her doing so often. She didn’t have to pretend, with clenched fists and a tight jaw, as if she was bracing herself for the world to strike her down again. She didn’t have to feel so scared that if she didn’t squeeze her eyes shut to a new and terrifying world, she would reflexively do something to destroy it before it destroyed her. She didn’t have to look at him with such tired, defeated eyes, convinced she was worthless before she even got up the nerve to ask him again – yet again – if he still liked her. Steven stared at her unblinking, burning this image of a truly peaceful Spinel in his mind forever. This is the peace that he wished for her all the time.

Soft, sleep-ruffled hair rubbed gingerly against his cheek where she had tucked herself under his chin. Gems didn’t smell, but Steven swore Spinel always carried the scent of flowers with her. He had never grown up deprived of physical affection, but Spinel forced his comfortability with being constantly touched to a whole new level. Odd as the situation was, there were very few people that could hold Steven like this without it feeling uncomfortable, and Steven was surprised to realize Spinel might be one of them. This crossed some boundaries, to be sure, but it seemed she was always touching him in some way anyway, so it wasn’t particularly unfamiliar. If he wasn’t so wary about disrespecting Connie, he might have even let her keep sleeping.

“Spinel,”he whispered her awake, after what felt like an eternity of indecision.

Dark lashes fluttered open. Pretty and feminine. Steven had never paid attention to them before.

“Hey. Good morning,”he whispered. She responded with a tired hum, the arm around his middle curling around his back to pull herself closer, her face nuzzled into the darkness of Steven’s shirt. Steven’s face burned, not knowing what to do.

“Good morning,”she answered softly by way of greeting, shamelessly burrowing her nose against his neck, “…Wow, it’s morning. Just like that.”

“Yeah. Time goes by really fast when you sleep,”he said nervously, his mind racing for some gentle way to get her off of him.

“I’ve never let myself sleep before. It was always too risky to try. I had to be playing all the time, in case Pink came back.” This did give Steven pause, perplexed by Spinel’s honesty. She never talked about the garden unprompted before.

“What made this time different?”he asked, ever wary of the limited space shared between them and the fact that Spinel seemed intent on closing it further. He could feel the entire length of her torso pressed against him, her gem digging into his sternum. Her arm slid from his back to rest against his chest.

“I felt safe. Like I could just relax and not worry so much with you nearby.” She smiled contently, leaning her head up to look at him. “…It was nice. I’d sleep every day if I got to wake up like this with you.” Her laughter floated softly over Steven’s collarbone. Soft and breathy. The sound had a different ring to it this morning, though Steven couldn’t put a finger on how.

“Yeah, about that…,”he started awkwardly, “Um, on Earth, people don’t normally sleep in each other’s beds unless they’re partnered.”

“Can I get a free pass since I’m not part-human or from Earth?”Spinel answered with a snide smile, completely unbothered.

“Eh heh…no. I kind of need you to get up.”

“But I’m so cozy here,”she whined. Foreseeing a battle of will he wasn’t going to engage in, Steven decidedly rolled away to get out of bed himself. He was surprised when arms looped around his shoulders and Spinel had stretched herself back into his personal bubble, hugging him from behind.

“You’re not in bed anymore,”she teased, “Can this be enough of a loophole to get to keep holding you? Because I really, really liked that.” What was going on with her this morning? Steven had always safely assumed most gems were ignorant about Earth’s socially acceptable wording and behavior. But if he didn’t know better, Spinel was plain flirting. 

“I think I’ve gotten more hugs from you alone than every gem I’ve ever met collectively,”he said evasively, “What has you in such a good mood this morning anyway? Did you like sleeping that much?”

“No, I just realized that I love you.” Steven smiled naively at this, gently tapping the arms around his neck to signal her to let go.

“I love you, too, Spinel. But I do need to get up and get ready for the day.”

“You really mean it? You love me?!”she asked, her cheek pressed to his, squeezing his shoulders tighter.

“Can’t. Breathe,”he gasped. Her arms reluctantly relaxed as her lips discreetly stole a kiss on his neck, finally giving Steven room to get up. Odd. He cast her a fleeting confused look before gathering clothes and picking up trash from the party last night.

“Hey, you put my plant out!” Steven turned to see Spinel leaning over his bedside dresser where he had left her gift.

“Yup, and it’s been doing just fine since I tried the mulch you suggested. I thought it deserved a nicer home, so I moved it.” Spinel beamed at this.

“Aww, it’s still a wittle itty bitty baby, though,”she cooed, “Shoulda sprouted at least a little by now! What’s wrong, buddy? You shy?” Steven paused at his dresser to look back at the pot, waiting a moment for the sudden tightness in his throat to pass before speaking again.

“I’m going to make get ready for the day in the bathroom. You can keep the door cracked if you promise not to peek.” Spinel nodded, following Steven downstairs and parking herself outside the door. Steven left her with his phone and jacket, and kept her busy with idle conversation throughout his morning routine. There was predictably tension and worry in the pink gem’s eyes when he finally emerged, but surprisingly enough, it stopped there. Her excited smile and animated bouncing was all he needed to know she was okay. Still, when she slipped her hand into his, he allowed it.

“I’m going to make myself breakfast. Do you want some?”

“Sure!”

“Okay. You can help me make pancakes, if you want. We’ll measure the flour slowly this time.” Spinel beamed, following Steven into the kitchen. They worked methodically for longer than it normally took to make such a simple food, but Spinel wanted to make sure she didn’t repeat her last mistake with the flour.

“This is fitting for the day after your anniversary. Pearl made me a huge stack of pancakes the day after last year, too,”he was telling her, watching her studiously whisk the batter, her tongue poking out in concentration.

“I spent the day after exploring the palace. I remember, because it literally takes a day to go through the whole thing!”

“I believe it. I still get lost,”Steven lightly laughed. While Steven began melting butter in a pan, he noticed Spinel’s attention drifting toward the temple.

“What’s that? We never went in there yesterday,”she asked, pointing in the direction of the temple.

“That’s the door to the temple. Upstairs is where I do laundry, downstairs is the basement. All the Crystal Gems have their own rooms, too, of course.”

“Do you have a room, too?”she asked, intrigued. Steven slowly poured the first batch of batter onto the pan.

“Well, I do upstairs in the house. The room in the temple was my mom’s.” Spinel blinked, something shifting in her expression.

“Your… mom’s? You mean Pi – I mean – Rose _,_ had another room?” Steven glanced up from the sizzling pan.

“Well, yeah. She lived here for a long time,”he said, looking away. He always felt like he was walking thin ice whenever his mom came up with Spinel. But she seemed fine – simply curious, if nothing else.

“Did she leave anything neat in there?” Steven poked at a browning edge.

“No. She left some stuff from her time on Earth in my pet lion, but there’s nothing in her room. It’s just clouds.” _And nothing from her past as Pink Diamond, he didn’t say. Nothing that would have let her friends know that the family and friends she left behind meant anything to her in the end._ Steven slapped the first finished pancake on a plate a little aggressively.

“Clouds? That doesn’t sound like the Pink I knew,”Spinel laughed, “Pink would have hid some toys or pets.” Steven hesitated, pretending to be distracted with the next pancake.

“…They’re magic clouds. They can make anything or anyone. So I guess, in theory, she could have.” Spinel’s eyes widened at this in surprise.

“Wait…the clouds can make anyone?”she asked, her voice quiet. He suddenly wished she hadn’t brought it up. “…Even _her_?”

“Spinel,”Steven stopped cooking, turning to face her, “They’re not real. And they’re only based off of what I know about the person. I didn’t know my mom, and I knew Pink even less. It wouldn’t be her at all.” Spinel didn’t respond. She stared at the temple door with confused interest. Steven wished he hadn’t told her. Because Spinel had every right to want to see Pink. She had every right to get the closure she craved, to hug her goodbye for the last time, to scream at her, to cry at her, to do whatever she wanted because she had given her entire existence to her. Of course the opportunity to let loose on a harmless apparition would intrigue her, even if it was only a thought.

But the very thought of seeing Spinel expose herself to such a person, to someone who had hurt her so horribly, who had tricked her so cruelly - it made his blood boil with defensive rage.

“Steven!!” He hadn’t realized he was glowing until Spinel was shaking him, worry etched into her expression. The left side of his face swelled briefly but quickly returned to normal at the sound of Spinel’s voice snapping him back to reality. Behind him, the mixing bowl had cracked down the middle. He braced himself against the counter, trying to focus on his breath to calm down.

“I-I don’t want to talk about this, Spinel,”he grunted out.

“Okay,”she said quickly, confused and concerned, “Just…was it something I did? You just said the clouds weren’t real and then you started glowing!”

“Because I know what you’re going to ask, and I don’t want to ask the room to show her to you!”he shouted. He didn’t mean to, but he felt like if he didn’t focus the tension somewhere, it would affect his ability to remain in control of his body. “I don’t want to see her. I can’t forgive the damage she caused to all the people she hurt, and I’m not ready to. So please don’t ask.” Spinel stared at him, slowly releasing his arm and letting it drop wordlessly to her side.

“…I wasn’t going to. I’d never make anyone do something they didn’t want to do…,”she said quietly. He deflated quickly, turning off the stove burner with a sigh that released the tension in his hands, but not the glow from his skin.

“…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you and make assumptions. I think I just woke up a little on edge.” Spinel tilted her head to the side as Steven picked out two plates, going about breakfast as if nothing was wrong. She moved closer to gently touch his arm.

“But…you didn’t seem upset. I thought this morning was wonderful,”she said, genuinely confused. The young hybrid sighed.

“Yeah, but that’s just it. I woke up and you looked so happy and peaceful. And when you said you finally felt safe enough to sleep…do you realize how _sad_ that is?” Spinel froze in surprise.

“Those moments should never be that rare! You care _so much_ about making other people happy, Spinel, and you never ask for anything in return. How did she not appreciate that?! You would get to feel safe and relaxed all the time if it weren’t for her!” He stopped, realizing he was, once again, becoming angry. He looked up at Spinel, who was staring worriedly back at him, her cheeks flushed at Steven’s defensiveness for her. He took a deep breath before starting again. “…Of course I’m glad she changed, and learned how to be a real friend to the Crystal Gems, but…but I can’t be unbiased when the people she hurt is my own family, my friends. You…” The kitchen was silent. Not knowing what else to do, Steven dejectedly shoved the finished pancakes onto both plates, halfheartedly retrieving the butter, syrup, and whipped cream from the fridge.

“…Is that why you’ve been glowing pink?”Spinel finally asked, her voice quiet, “Because you’re mad at her?” Steven sat down at the counter and pushed a plate toward her, but she barely noticed.

“…Part of the reason,”he muttered. Steven glanced up at her, and there was no hint of humor or playfulness in her eyes. She was genuinely worried for him.

“Do you, um…want to talk about it?”she asked awkwardly, “I said I’d listen…I _want_ to listen, if it’ll help…”

He sighed in resignation, stalling for time by fixing Spinel’s plate for her, adding a generous serving of whipped cream on top of an already generous helping of syrup. He passed her the food that she didn’t take and braced himself for an admittance he didn’t know if he had the words for yet. Of all the people he thought he would finally be opening up to about this who wasn’t his therapist, he was surprised it was Spinel. Then again, she was also the least biased of all his friends, the last to come into his life and completely detached from all the events that had made up his youth.

“It’s her hurting my friends and family, but…it’s also my friends and family, hurting me.” He poked at his undressed pancake, his skin slowly returning to normal as he spoke. “My dad never let me go to school, or the doctor, or really hang out with a ton of human kids my own age, because I guess I wasn’t human enough. And the gems had their hands full protecting the earth from the corrupted monsters left behind from the war, so I spent a lot of my younger years trying to measure up to them, and my mom, thinking I wasn’t gem enough. Now that I’m grown and can look back with a clearer head …I think that was kind of messed up? How much I went through, how much of my mom’s mess I thought I had to clean up, just to not feel useless or like I was constantly about to lose my family?” He kept asking it like a question, but he wasn’t looking at Spinel for an answer. “I don’t think I really realized it until Connie’s mom told me about how I was reacting to trauma, but my body had known for a long time. Whenever I glow…it’s almost always because I’m reminded of how angry I am…at my mom, for leaving such a mess of unresolved problems, at the gems, my dad, at me…Even with everything fixed, I still don’t feel like I’m enough. And with everyone leaving – it’s dumb because I know better – but I can’t help thinking about how I wasn’t enough to make my friends stay.” He paused, realizing he had cut his pancake into small, neat stacks. He gently pushed them to the side of his plate.

Spinel had been attentively listening, straightening and shifting uncomfortably when she realized it was her turn to say something. Except there was no joke fit for the moment, no funny gag she could pull to make light of Steven’s situation.

“…I’d be pretty miffed if I had to go through all that, too,”she finally said, looking unsure whether she was doing the whole “comforting” thing right or not, “Guess it doesn’t help that she’s not around anymore to tell you she’s sorry, either.”

“Sorry wouldn’t heal Volleyball’s eye, or help the diamonds, or free you from the garden any sooner. It wouldn’t change all the stuff me and the gems went through. I know I preach a lot about second chances, but…I don’t know…sometimes hurting people is just plain unforgivable, even if you get to say sorry or have healing powers. I can’t justify all the awful things I’ve done too, just because I’m sorry about it…Maybe I’m just bad now.” _Healing Jasper didn’t make it okay that I shattered her. The fact that I didn’t actually hurt White Diamond doesn’t change the fact that I wanted to._ _Just because I’m angry and scared doesn’t give me the right to act on it._

“Whoa whoa whoa, hang on,”Spinel said, sitting up, “Why would you be friends with a disaster case like me if you really believed that? What’s the point of being sorry _ever_ if you’re just bad no matter what?”

“Well obviously people can apologize if they really mean it and it be okay most of the time! It meant something to me when you apologized, otherwise you wouldn’t be here in my house not eating pancakes with me.” Spinel glared at him from across the table, crossing her arms over her chest.

“So how come when I said sorry for literally trying to destroy a planet, I get a second chance, but when you’re sorry, you’re just bad?” Steven opened his mouth, and then closed it. He honestly didn’t know what to say to this.

“I-I don’t know. You were hurting, and I wasn’t! I should have known better than to make the mistakes I did,”he tried. Spinel deadpanned.

“You literally just got through telling me how you _were_ hurting.”

“I-it’s just different for me!”he shouted, skin flashing pink, only for a moment, “I can’t just say I help people and fix problems and then just…go pink and hurt them! That’s more messed up than if I didn’t know better!”

“How?!”she challenged, throwing her hands up.

“I don’t know, it just is!” Spinel leaned back and sighed.

“…Look, I’m no ace at giving good advice. I’ve been spending the last year playing catch up, looking to others for advice instead, cuz all I know is games and jokes,”she began again, her tone uncharacteristically serious, “But what you’re talking about - feeling all mad and twisted about being hurt and hurting other people? That’s real familiar. I spent most of the last year telling myself exactly what you’re saying – that making amends is stupid and pointless, because if I could do something that awful, then I’m just bad, through and through. So I get it. Sometimes you make a mistake that’s so stupid, you feel like all that must be left in you is stupid, too.” Her gaze shifted uneasily away.

“What I did? Still really, really bad - even a year later. I can’t imagine whatever you did could top attempted genocide. Actions have consequences, and I’m both a victim and a perp. That’s why I wasn’t mad at your friends yesterday for busting my chops about it. There’s nothing they coulda said that I hadn’t already beat myself up for.” Steven was quiet as he listened.

“…How’d you stop blaming yourself?”he finally asked quietly. Spinel raised a brow, looking at him as if he was crazy before responding with an undignified snort. 

“ _Stop?_ You kidding? I still have trouble wondering if there’s any good left in me,”she admitted with a dark laugh. Mirth faded swiftly into a softer expression. “…But you being my friend…makes it a little easier. After all, I can’t be totally convinced I’m irredeemably bad if kind, wonderful Steven Universe wants to hang out with me. You have a way of making people think they’re more than their mistakes. It’s kind of annoying, y’know.” Steven smiled at this, half-hearted and reflexive, gone before it registered.

“…I’m not kind, wonderful Steven Universe, though. Being nice, helping people…what if it’s just a front? What if…I’m just doomed to be my mom, and hurt people, even if I don’t mean to? This destructive power is a part of me, whether I like it or not. What if I am just a bad person…?” It was something he had never said out loud, but he couldn’t think of anyone else right now who wouldn’t judge him for hearing it, who knew self-deprecation like a familiar, secret friend they constantly had to hide. Spinel thought a moment, then shrugged.

“You’re really not, but I dunno what I could say that would make you believe otherwise. Not that I can’t try, but I know how it goes. The diamonds tell me nice nonsense every day, but I know by now it won’t mean squat until I believe it myself,”she said with a contemplative frown, “For what it’s worth, there’s nothing you could have done or will do that would make me not think you’re the killer-diller. I mean, you can’t be worse than crummy ol’ me, and you for some reason thought I was still worth something. If I get some grace, don’t you think you deserve some, too?”

Steven was quiet as he mulled over what Spinel had said. Through all his tumultuous emotions, an affectionate warmth for his friend swelled in his chest, distorted and distracted as it was. His skin still tingled with thrumming energy of pink power, but it was muted and sad, devoid of the confusion and rage that typically accompanied it. Lost and empty, confused and small. He didn’t know why, but he suddenly wondered if this was how Pink Diamond had felt all the time.

Spinel waited for him to say something, worrying at his morose expression. When he remained silent, she leaned in close.

“I can see you’re still upset. So Steven, I’m gonna tell you something really, really important right now.” He glanced up with lackluster interest, his frown unmoved.

“What is it?” His friend stretched her head across the table until they were nose to nose. Her brow furrowed, her mouth set in a straight line – Spinel looked more serious than he had ever seen her before.

“…You have something on your face.” Steven blinked.

……

_“What?”_

And then suddenly his vision was swimming in whipped cream. Too stunned to move, he felt some of the whip slide and drip off his face with an unpleasant ‘glop’ onto the floor – or his jeans, he couldn’t be sure. Sure enough, Spinel had slapped her entire untouched pancake onto his face, syrup and all. To her credit, the pink glow didn’t stand a chance of sticking around in the midst of such absurdity.

“…Sorry, couldn't take the tension anymore,”she said by way of explanation, a cheeky grin on her face that told him she wasn’t sorry at all, “That’s a good look for you, though. Really brings out literally any other color other than white.” Steven opened his mouth to fire something back at her, but a thick glob of cream landed timely into his mouth to silence him. It was too much. Laughter came out instead, loud and long and immediately joined by his friend. Even with his face weighed down by dessert condiments, he felt distinctly lighter than he had before he sat down.

“How am I going to clean this off?”he asked as their laughter finally faded, looking over himself at the mess.

“I could lick it off of you,”Spinel offered with a suggestive wink. Steven’s face burned underneath a layer of white. _Does she even know what she’s saying?_ he couldn’t help but wonder.

“Oooooor we can just embrace the mess?”he offered instead, standing and moving the chair away from the growing puddle on the floor that Pearl would surely yell at him for later.

“I like the way you think, Universe,”Spinel agreed with a grin.

“Come on. I’ll show you the whipped cream game,”he offered, shaking the bottle of whipped cream with a challenging grin.

They ended up going through the entire bottle and expanding the mess well past the counter, but by the time Spinel had finally left to go back home, Steven felt like a weight he hadn’t realized he had been carrying had gone home with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the chapter that Steven seriously starts considering leaving Beach City, but then my hand slipped and I guess our boy's gonna work on his self-image problems instead. Another time, I guess??
> 
> This is that whipped cream wrist flip challenge they play at the end is if anybody doesn't know what I'm talking about. It's silly, but it sounded like a silly thing a teenage boy and his friend would do: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UbdqAGulS8
> 
> Thanks for all your comments last chapter! As always they're very motivating! I solidified very different plans for this story than I originally intended, but I'm excited for them. We'll return to the pattern of every chapter being a week in the future after this.


	13. Clouds and Mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel continues to have horrible self-esteem. Love helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Steven this chapter. I've made this promise to myself before and broken it, but I'm trying to make chapters shorter so I can get them out in a timely manner. I'm also starting a new job in a few weeks, so I'd like to get as much out as I can before things get hectic. 
> 
> I try to keep this story tame, but there is a slight trigger warning at the end of this chapter for suicidal ideation. It's brief, but I marked the paragraph you can skip with an * if you don't want to read it.

Chapter 13: Clouds and Mirrors

Spinel was floating on clouds.

Metaphorical clouds this time, because when Blue offered her an actual cloud, she promptly refused, proudly proclaiming “I don’t need them!”

“Spinel, sweetheart, it’s so wonderful to see you so happy, but please don’t hurt yourself,”White was saying. The little pink gem was literally bouncing off the walls, using her legs as springs to propel herself around the enormous room the diamonds had settled in today. She stretched herself to land on White’s shoulder, flopping over with a tired laugh.

 _“I love my life_ ,”she sighed happily. This got a smile out of all three diamonds. The smaller gem shot up, full of energy.

“You ever just feel so warm and fuzzy for someone, you just want to smoosh their face and kiss them all over? Because I could literally do that all the time.”

“Yes, dear. So you’ve mentioned,”Yellow reminded her with a faint smile.

“Did I tell you guys how he defended me in front of all his friends? Because he did and”-

-“You’ve told us, love,”Blue interrupted with a soft laugh.

“Ah gee, I’m sorry. I just feel so giddy! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Our little Spinel is in love. And there is nothing wrong with that,”Yellow said with a knowing smile, “Ah, this reminds me of when we first brought you home.”

“I thought the same! It broke my heart to hear you say that you couldn’t believe we wanted to keep you, but nonetheless…you were so happy and affectionate. I remember how you wouldn’t stop giving me sweet little surprise hugs and kisses every few minutes,”White recalled with a fond smile, “Come to think of it, you still do that. You truly do wear your heart on your sleeve when it comes to love, Starlight.”

“What’s that mean?”Spinel asked curiously.

“A euphemism, dear. You freely express your emotions.” _Only the ones that don’t get me sent away,_ Spinel thought privately to herself.

“Well yeah, that’s what I was made for, silly!”she pointed out, kicking her legs freely into open space, “I like making my friends feel happy and loved. I’ll shout it from the rooftops!”

“Yes, you’ve never hesitated to let us know of your affections when you get the chance. Even amidst all the worry you carry and all the feelings you don’t express, you prioritize the happiness of others,” White pointed out. Spinel frowned at the implication that the diamonds knew she was hiding feelings from them. Which was absolutely true, but Spinel didn’t like them knowing it.

“Well of course I’m gonna tell you guys every chance I get. We’re family now. I wanna love you guys forever and ever. Steven, too,”she said, unabashed, holding her cheeks with an excited squee, “Ah gee, _especially_ Steven.”

“We love you,too,”Blue said with a soft smile.

“Yeah yeah, no need to get mushy,” Spinel teased, crossing her arms over her chest and playfully sticking out her tongue

“Whether on your sleeve or your gem, Steven surely must know, then?”Yellow asked.

“Oh, he thinks I’m joshing him. Never bats an eye. Which is fine! The more I thought about it, the more I realized that’s probably for the best. I don’t need to ruin a good thing and make things uncomfortable for him. Besides, I’m not that twitterpated to lose all my wits. There’s no way he’d feel the same,”Spinel laughed. The three diamonds appeared shocked to hear Spinel say this.

“What are you saying, Spinel? You were just saying how much Steven cares for you.”

“Well yeah, because he’s a super nice person to literally everyone! I know he cares, but come on, that’d be dumb if he loved me like I love him. I mean I love him like I want to be with him forever, and kiss his stupid handsome face forever, and make him happy all the time for the rest of eternity while I hug him and remind him every hour of the day how perfect he is. That’d be way too much to expect for _me_.”

“Why?” Spinel looked at Yellow quizzically, not understanding her question.

“Um? Because he’s Steven? And I’m Spinel? He’s wonderful and perfect and I’m the hot mess express who nearly destroyed a planet? Why would he like me that way?”she asked, as if this was obvious, “Heck, I don’t even get why he likes me at all most of the time!” The other diamonds weren’t smiling. Spinel instantly knew she had said too much.

“But darling…you’re wonderful, too. Surely if Steven knew how you felt, you may find he also shares your affections.” Their frown deepened when Spinel laughed at this.

“You guys are funny. And a little too optimistic – but hey, I like that about you guys!”Spinel was quick to assure them with a smile, “Steven’s already such a good friend to me when I don’t even deserve it. I don’t expect the impossible. I know good and well I’m not on his level. Right now I’m just happy to even get to be his friend, and get to love him at all.”

“But Spinel. How could you say that?”Blue gently argued, her expression sincerely worried, “You deserve the world and yet you speak as if you don’t believe you are capable of love.” Spinel thought a moment, a frown working its way on her face. She had to be careful with her wording, or she would make her friends worry needlessly for her.

“It’s not that. I’m just not ready to take too many chances yet. What I have with Steven is really good. I’ve already messed up enough times – I don’t want to ruin this, too,”she reasoned.

“But you love him,”Yellow countered, “You were _made_ to love. To hide who you are – how you really feel…is that not torture worse than being alone?”

“Nope! Trust me, there’s nothing worse than being alone,”Spinel answered with a smile that didn’t match her forced bright tone, “I can love him just fine as a friend if it means avoiding _that_ debacle again. Besides, I have you guys to dote on! I really am okay if everything stayed like this forever. He can think I’m just really grateful to him, and he wouldn’t be wrong! And who knows, maybe these feelings will just… go away!”

“Why would you want that, Starlight?”White asked, confused. Spinel responded with a sheepish smile.

Because every moment of realizing how madly in love she was with him was like carrying a target on her heart. Because every second of remembering how much she loved him more than he could ever love a broken, defective reject like her had her standing on pins and needles, wondering if this will be like last time. Because she didn’t want his confirmation that she wasn’t good enough. Why would she give him the ammunition to shoot her down a second time? No, he didn’t need to know how pathetic she was, groveling for another version of Pink Diamond to love her, as if she had any right to expect _anyone_ to love her when the diamond she was made for couldn’t even manage that feat. Better to just be grateful for what she has.

“Less complicated, you know? I wouldn’t have to get so distracted by his adorable face every time I talk to him. Or need to vent to you guys as much,”she laughed, joking it off, “It’s okay, though, really. I’m just dandy! Every day this past year has been like a dream compared to the last 6,000, and loving Steven just adds to it, reciprocated or not. So don’t worry about me!” She offered her most convincing smile, hoping her friends believe it.

“…We can’t help it, sweetheart,”Blue sighed, “I never know when you mean it or when you are just telling us sweet lies for our benefit.”

“You hide your insecurities so expertly behind your love for others,”Yellow added worriedly.

“Blue and Yellow are right. You deserve more than you give yourself credit for, Starlight,”White Diamond said, casting a glance at her fellow diamonds, “And may I add…a life avoiding pain only deprives you of the gifts that love might have offered. Trust me, I know.” Spinel smiled softly at her three friends. They were truly concerned for her happiness, and it was moments like these when it really hit Spinel how much she appreciated them for it, undeserved as it felt.

“You’re sweet to worry about little ol’ me, but I’ll be fine. I love you, guys,”she said, the words flowing out easily and naturally, as if she was made to say them. She punctuated it with a quick peck on each of their cheeks, her head stretching to reach all three of her diamonds. Her friends smiled to receive her tokens of affection, but their eyes betrayed their lingering worry. Spinel hated to see it. She was supposed to make her friends happy, not burden them.

“I think I’m going to take a quick walk,”Spinel said after a moment of consideration, deciding she couldn’t take any more of their concerned looks, “Get out some energy, y’know? I’ll be right back.” She stretched herself down to the floor, feeling the eyes of her three friends on her back as she made her way out of the room.

The hallways were quieter than usual today, with only a few gems milling about the palace. The pink gem followed two agates south as if in a trance, disoriented from the rapid shift in mood a moment ago. She didn’t like her friends worrying about her. Like clothing two sizes too small, worried eyes and sympathetic frowns were constricting and uncomfortable for the gem who had gotten a little too cozy wearing self-loathing for six millennia. It made her feel like she _mattered_ , and Spinel couldn’t confront that confusing paradox for too long when she had never mattered to anyone before this year.

The agates had since drifted in a different direction, but Spinel barely noticed, staring pensively at the ground as she continued deeper into the palace. She thought about her friends, and her home here – so bright and clean and nothing like the dark, lonely void her life was so recently. Spinel thought herself worse than garbage, and the diamonds saw some remaining traces of value in her – at least enough to give her a home and family. They were so good to her, sometimes Spinel even believed that they loved her for more than the reminder of Pink that she was. Steven was the same –the first to see any value left in her miserable existence, the first to give her hope. He was always doing that - giving her hope, telling her such nice things that even gullible, fool Spinel almost believed them. She almost had to laugh. Even if he could love her back, she’d never believe it.

It didn’t matter. Spinel was _free_ , and she had people she loved and cared for now. It didn’t matter that she still hated herself. It didn’t matter that she assumed everyone hated her, too. Because feeling the area behind her gem warm with affection, her cheeks flush, the light particles in her form vibrate with the exhilaration of being totally and completely enamored with another person – that feeling was her single most precious boon after 6,000 years of grief, anger, and resentment. So she couldn’t fault the diamonds for their worry, or herself for not being able to handle it. The fact that she had people in her life who cared and worried for her at all was more precious than all the stars in the sky.

Spinel hadn’t realized she had wandered into a remote area of Pink Diamond’s former wing of the palace until she was staring at dusty, unkept walls made entirely of pink crystal. She had drifted into one of the abandoned hallways, surrounded by reflective pink walls on all sides. She knew the place, of course – she and Pink had flown past here many times, trying to hide from the other diamonds or their pearls. If Spinel had wandered here a year ago, she would have turned around and high-tailed out of there as quickly as she could before another flashback would freeze her in place – or worse, invite a panic attack she wouldn’t be able to handle alone. But Spinel took a moment to consider her surroundings, surprised at the sense of calm present here in this eerie, forgotten place.

Her reflection looked back at her from all sides, bright-eyed and pink tinted. Spinel walked slowly over to the nearest wall, swiping her gloved hand across a thin layer of dust coating the reflective surface. She took a deep breath, breathing into her body the way that White had taught her, taking note of any tension and realizing she couldn’t find any. She opened her eyes, half expecting herself to crumble at the sight of herself cloaked in Pink’s color. But she didn’t. Instead, she found herself thinking of the pink of Steven’s jacket. Pearl’s hair. The flush of Steven’s cheeks whenever she teased him. The colored accents of her home. The glow of Steven’s skin as he softly confided secrets only she was privy to hear. Small, pink things that reminded her of the present, instead of the past.

 _I’m stronger than when I first got here a year ago_ , she realized with sudden clarity. She stood a little straighter now, her mannerisms easier, her gait lighter. The fear of abandonment that she kept so close like a shield around her heart was a little easier to breathe through, painfully present as it still was. She was more than just sad, lonely, and resentful now. Love had renewed her purpose and power, and she was lucky enough to love not one, but four people with her entire being. Spinel had never felt anything but ashamed whenever she chanced upon her reflection, but right now…right now she felt _powerful_.

“I feel sorry for you, Pink,”she said aloud, her voice, barely a whisper, still managing to carry through the long, empty hallways. _She’ll never get to see how kind and gracious White has become. She’ll never get to see Blue smile or sing again. She won’t get to see how gentle Yellow is, or how much they’ve all grown. She’ll never get to meet Steven, and see all that he’s done. I get to love them and keep trying to be the best friend I can to them for the rest of eternity, but for her…it’s over._

Gloved fingers gently touched the surface of the mirrored wall. A sigh gently rose up and out of Spinel’s lips, clouding crystalline pink with a layer of misty white. It was only her own eyes that blinked back at her, but Spinel continued regardless, not knowing when or if she would ever feel as brave as she did right now to address the ghost that had lurked in her new home for the past year. 

“I want you to know I have so many kind, wonderful people in my life now. It’s really scary now, how much I love them, how many ways they could hurt me like you did,”she said, her forehead touching the glass wall, “But I’m lucky. So, so lucky I get to be with them, even when everything else hurts so bad and I’m not strong enough to manage.” She paused, the silence of this hollow space pressing in all around her, the ghosts of the past whispering through the dusty pink glass like an echo of days long gone.

*

“I know how sad you were here. Even in your new form, I know how that sadness stays, even when you have better friends and a better home. I know how you gave up your form later on to make Steven,”she started again, her eyes drifting down, unable to face her reflection as she continued, so quiet that not even the walls would hear her, “I’ve never told anyone this. But I thought a lot about doing what you did. Just…disappearing. Into stars, or nothingness - wherever sadness can’t follow. I…was still thinking about it, even when I was first brought to Homeworld. Just saying it out loud makes me feel weird, because I keep thinking about the diamonds, probably worrying about me right now, even though I don’t understand why they care. I keep thinking about Steven coming over in a few days, and how excited I am to see him. Just the _idea_ of seeing him makes those thoughts feel so stupid. My life is so _good_ in comparison, baggage or not. I have so much to look forward to, and I”-

*

She slowly looked back up at her reflection, a soft laugh escaping her throat to see her face break out in a huge smile. Pinpricks of tears lined her eyes without falling as she took in the sight of herself, sincerely, genuinely happy in the form she had despised ever since she made it.

“Stars, I don’t want this feeling to ever go away,”she laughed, cupping a hand over her mouth as she blinked back tears, “It’s like all the sadness in the universe can’t exist because he _is_ my universe. I don’t know what this is called or what I’m going to do with it, but…I hope you got to feel whatever this is with the human you fell in love with, Pink…”

With one last bracing breath, Spinel stood up and took a step back from the wall, slowly coming back into herself as she took a slow look around her. For all her efforts to reconnect with the past, nothing had changed. The walls were still dusty, the air still stale, and the corridor was still empty. Spinel was alone.

And she didn’t _have_ to be now.

What was she doing? Talking to an inanimate wall as if it had any power over her happiness? This was stupid, she realized. It was just a random abandoned hallway that she and Pink hadn’t even spent a significant amount of time in. There was nothing but dust and memories here, and neither of those could compete to the real friends she had waiting for her. 

“Welp, not sticking around for an answer, old pal o’ mine. Waiting's a tired routine anyway. But thanks…for listening. I’m going to go back to my friends who know how to do the real thing now.” She offered the empty hallway a consolatory salute, turning on her heel and heading back the way she came.

She took a breath while she walked, letting a small smile work its way slowly onto her face as the smallest spark of pride flickered like a tiny flame within her. Nothing would ever be like it used to - including herself. For the first time, Spinel was genuinely glad for that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Last chapter I had started writing a scene where Steven does take Spinel into Rose's room to let her confront Pink. It was a pretty empowering scene for Spinel - she gave Pink quite the talking to. I don't have enough written to share the full deleted scene, unfortunately. But obviously that would super out of character for Steven to put a friend knowingly into a potentially hurtful situation, and not something that Spinel would realistically ask for, so it had to go. This was a compromise - just a quiet moment to herself to acknowledge her growth and the confidence she has managed to gain, even if her overall self-esteem is still pretty awful.
> 
> Anyway, see you all next week! Your feedback is food for the writer's soul, just saying.


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